I hit a wall today. The last few days, no weeks, okay actually the last several months have been incredibly difficult and I have not reached out for any help and I've tried not to complain. I focus on all of the good things happening in my life. I am grateful for all the positives...good health, great children, enough money to barely pay the bills, a new job with great health insurance coming up, and endless blessings I have. I have no right to complain. But sometimes I get tired of being Pollyanna, always playing the Glad Game.
I was married for 20 years. Obviously it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, or we would still be together...but more often than not, we were there for each other. He has moved on and straight into another situation where he has someone caring for him again. I do not. I have not. Dating here and there is completely different that being committed to someone, and having someone to look out for you. Someone to help me with car troubles. Someone to go car shopping with because one has broken down and another one is about to. Someone to notice and pick up on little things I've commented on and show me they care about me. I miss that. A LOT. And I know I'm not ready for that, because I could have had it and I pushed it away. I want to be fine by myself. I want to be there for my kids and make them priority, not some other person in my life. It might be different if my situation was different, but these kids are with me 100%. They are my priority.
As I start this new journey and new career, I have worried that I'm being judged by others as being selfish for pursuing my dream of being a flight attendant, that somehow I won't be a good mom anymore. That I have put my dreams ahead of the needs of my kids. To those of you who have thought that...are you KIDDING me? I am busting my ass to get into a career field that will provide exceptional medical, dental and vision and countless other benefits for my family and can get them off of Medicaid. I worked in dental 20 years and could never offer insurance to my kids. Thankfully they have always been covered under their dad...until he lost his job and moved out of state, and that left ME to figure out how to take care of them 100%. Sure, I've sounded excited, and looked excited, and posted exciting things about this new career...but it is going to be hard work, long hours, and not the least bit glamorous at the bottom of the seniority pool. I have to leave my children for an entire month for training, when I've never been away from them longer than 8 days. I am making sacrifices so I can take care of them better. I'm trying to do something I love for work so that I can remain in the position long term and have security for the future. I can not count on some other man's money or retirement to come in to play. I have to be prepared to do this myself for the long haul. And that scares the hell out of me.
So, as this journey is about to start...I am only putting on the brave face for my kids. I only care about what they are feeling and concerned with. I am done playing strong and brave faced for everyone else. I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm excited, but most importantly, I am just doing the best I can to be successful and work hard and raise great kids.
