Labor Day weekend will always be somewhat "memorable" to me. Last year, Labor Day fell a little earlier...the Friday before was August 29th. It was on this day that I was in a physical altercation with my now ex-husband, and I spent 4 nights in the county jail with a broken left hand. I won't go into details, but I was holding his phone and he wanted it back. Prior to that, I read some things on his phone that made me lose my shit and hit him with his baseball hat. Yep, it was a two way street. Push comes to shove, comes to a couple of minutes of things you can't ever repair. Why four nights? Well, there is no bond for domestic battery, and I had to wait til Tuesday to see a judge via video arraignment. Do many people know this story? A handful. Why am I telling it now? Because this is the one year anniversary of the weekend that it happened and the case is finally over. There is so much more to this, and the details aren't important. What is important is that we both did things we shouldn't have, and I was the one that made the report and "turned myself in" as the police chose to describe it. What is also important are the twenty years of marriage that was sprinkled here and there with lies and infidelities that came to an ugly head in a matter of seconds. I hope by me sharing this, I get some closure, and the few people that read my blog gain some insight into a personal form of hell.
I am far from perfect, and I am definitely not without fault in the break-up of our marriage. Many years ago (almost a decade), I was in a very low place and found myself getting attention from men other than my husband. It was nice. It really was. One particular person didn't live in the same town, it was "harmless" flirting, and I felt like I was finally understood. He was charming too. Said everything I wished my husband would say to me. When my husband found the emails he called me out on it, and I didn't want to tell the truth. I didn't want to hurt him. We had some pretty huge fights over this, especially when I told him there were others in previous years that I had been in contact with, and one happened to be a close friend of his. I was a shitty wife. I am the first to admit it. I wanted to blame it on him, and his job, and his lack of attention to me, but I knew it was my fault. I had chosen to do these things. I wasn't proud of myself and I was willing to let him walk away from me...but he didn't. He insisted we work out our problems and stay married. We had four children at this time, the youngest was 3. I had an ultimatum to face before he decided if he was staying or not. It was based on the outcome of my lie detector test. Yes, you read that. I took a lie detector test for my then husband.
I can tell you without a doubt, that was the most humiliating event I have EVER been through. I sat in front of someone I'd never met and was asked a series of the same questions, phrased in many different ways, about sexual infidelity. I emptied my closets of all skeletons possible that evening. When the test results were registered, and my then husband was happy with the outcome that I had never had sex with anyone else, he determined we would stay married and attend counseling. I wasn't even sure that's what I wanted, but he seemed so broken that I believe I owed it to him to atone for my sins. The first couple years were a lot of work, but we threw ourselves into investing time and energy into our marriage, and these were some of the happiest, memorable times we had together in our twenty years together. There were a lot of rules I agreed to follow...no social media, no speaking to men outside of strictly business matters, no traveling out of town without him...the list went on...but I AGREED to it. There were no secrets, no lies, and my closets remained clear and clean, as well as my conscience. Yes I am aware how messed up this is, and it wasn't healthy, but I really felt like this was my responsibility to "fix".
At some point we stopped working. We fell back into a complacent pattern and life started happening around us. This is when he started finding people online and developed "friendships" with females that were supportive of his bodybuilding goals and gave him the attention and excitement he wasn't feeling from me anymore.
I won't give details of his faults, there were a lot surrounding a particular married person he found online, but this is what brought the end to the marriage. It was a LOT more than what I did, but he was up front with me about it AFTER the fact. I didn't need to have him take a lie detector test, because he told me what happened. I didn't make him stay because he didn't want to cut communication with her. In fact she is still in his life somewhat now and I wish them the best. I didn't fight to save our marriage because it was over. I lived for 7 years in fear of him cheating on me or leaving me, and honestly, it was the best thing that could have ever happened. I was instantly freed from the prison I had placed myself in full of shame and guilt and regret. I felt like I had served my sentence by being a good and faithful wife for the last seven years, albeit a very resentful one at times.
A year ago I was in jail for four nights. I can't believe what a year can do. I won't write much about how the ex is doing right now, because I will respect his privacy and someday it will all be in a book or movie anyway. But I will say, he is in his own prison in his mind right now. I've tried helping, but the time has come for me to focus on my healing and taking care of our kids and making sure they stay safe and sane.
This brings me to the part about truth and lies. I decided over eight years ago that I would never put another skeleton in a closet. I promised myself to tell the truth, always. It's not easy, especially when you don't want to hurt someone or embarrass yourself. There are a lot of reasons to lie, and to justify it as well. I learned to expect that same behavior from others, and became disappointed repeatedly when I would uncover a lie. I found that lying is a common defense mechanism used by humans in general. I had changed my behavior, but I couldn't change those around me.
I talked with my counselor today about this, and have been given a book to read. Basically, I am going to learn how my behavior attracks people of the same behavior (this is my pea-brain understanding of it at this point). I am meeting new people, developing new friendships, and have some work to do in order to attract people that are healthy for me. I think this is why so many women end up with the same type of men that they've just divorced...they haven't changed their behavior patterns. If nothing else, it will be an interesting read.
This is a big deal for me to admit my faults and imperfections, to accept responsibility for how screwed up I was and the damage I did in a really screwed up marriage. It also serves as a warning to anyone who might be going down the same path in their marriage. I don't have advice other than be honest. Honest with yourself, spouse, the person you may be cheating with. You can't have a three ring circus and think that you'll keep it all straight without losing your mind and everything else at stake.
My ex and I are both lucky we got out. I hope he recovers. He lost a lot more than I did. I want the best for him and our children, and I also want the best for my future. If you find yourself in this spot, start by emptying your closets. You have to let it all out and start fresh. Be honest with everyone. They may not like you for it, but maybe they don't belong in your life, or you don't belong in theirs. I'd rather be hurt by the truth, than live in a lie.
This labor day I am NOT in jail. Not physically, not mentally and not emotionally. I am living an authentic life and taking responsibility for my actions and decisions: past, present and future.
