I reached another milestone today, and had a break through epiphany. Since I started blogging, the title of it has been "the creation of Ms. Wallace". For some reason, today I looked at the photo I posted of me one year ago and realized, I have not created anything. I'm on a journey of discovery. I've been created already...I was born. I was raised. Creation happened through science. Discovery is a personal journey everyone gets to choose. Some people probably never discover who they are or why they are here. I fully intend to.
In this last year I have had many adventures, accomplished several large "bucket list" items, taken risks and performed on stage in front of hundreds of people collectively. I have struggled with my identity, confidence, value, and worth. I've met some people who have made me feel more valuable, and some who have tried to make me feel worthless. I have finally learned to take control over my circle of trust, and I'm slowly deciding who I want to keep close to me. I'm still struggling with seeing those few that are there only because I won't release my grasp on them. Others are just coming into my life now, and I'm taking time to decide their meaning and placement. I can honestly say, the people I have come back in contact with from my past have all had a reason to appear again, while some of the new friends I have made in the last year will likely be more important to me than I could have imagined.
This next year ahead, if I am granted to be kept on this earth still, will be epic. I have lofty goals, backed by solid plans of how to accomplish them. I have so much ahead of me, so much to experience and accomplish. There are a few more big bucket list trips, some great concerts, sporting events, and amazing friends to enjoy spending time with.
While it appears that I am submersed in discovering myself, be aware I have a laser focus on my children. They are starting to notice that I am okay. They see my optimistic outlook in the middle of some very bleak situations. They have seen me sacrifice pride and reach out to help someone who hurt me deeply. I am trying every day to handle myself with grace and dignity when it comes to our family situation. I've been called out for blogging certain aspects of the last year, but I am pretty comfortable with the generalities I write in. I've tried to protect both the innocent and the guilty parties. My kids, they are amazing. I love them with every fiber of my being. I would fight to the death for each of them. I have a protective instinct that I wasn't aware of since becoming a single parent. I am now the fierce one that would lay down my life if needed. I discovered that has always been a part of me, I just never thought it would be needed. Our family had a protector...he was a Marine, a police officer, a husband and father. Now that it's gone, I have a role to play that is just now manifesting itself. It is down deep, I have just realized it's there waiting to be developed. It's the same place that holds the determination and drive to workout, get in the best shape of my life, and become a warrior goddess. It's up to me to discover my inner strength.
I hope you all can follow with me and watch the evolution and discovery of Ms Wallace. It's going to be a real adventure. If I can inspire just one person to become a better version of themself, or convince someone of their amazing worth, or lead by example on how to live an honest life, this journey will be more than worth it.
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