Wandering Minds (50th post)

February 8, 2015 I published my first blog post. Today on July 30, 2016 this will be my 50th. I've had a lot to say, but I was mostly just scratching at the surface of the real underlying issues in many of my wordy ramblings. I write to clear my own head. I don't write to gain followers or create a fan base. I don't even write to help other people out. Someday, maybe, that will be a goal...right now it's for me...and for those of you reading this, you probably won't understand unless you've been in my shoes, or can read my wandering mind

I sent a catty text to the ex yesterday congratulating him and his girlfriend on their two year anniversary. He flew out to meet her for the first time two years ago this week. I wasn't proud of myself after sending it. It was a stupid jab at him that made me realize I'm still holding a lot of anger towards the situation. Two years later and he's still with the same person he cheated on me with and I am not in a relationship like that. I've had a couple of people in and out of my life, and I keep telling myself I don't want to get into anything serious until my kids are out of school...I'm trying to avoid creating any more turmoil in their world. At least that's the excuse I've been using. However, right now, as I try to open myself up to a new relationship, I feel I will still somehow ruin it.

I've been told I talk too much and I'm too loud. I've heard this since grade school. This isn't news to me. But when you hear it again from someone you care about and realize how annoying you can be to them, it hurts. My friends already know this about me...sometimes I am funny, sometimes I am embarrassing, I mean well, and a good majority of the time I am nothing but positive energy. However, when something comes up that reminds you of the crap you were fed from your ex husband for 20 years, it hurts...a lot. I've tried to change. I've tried to think before I speak. I've tried to stay quiet and let things go. It works for some things, but not for everything. I feel the need to explain, and give history, and defend myself, and then fill in details and more history until I have completely exhausted everyone around me. There's a fine line between standing up for yourself and trying to convince someone else of your worth. I have crossed that line in the past and I don't want to do it again. I have also realized that just because I talk a lot, that doesn't make me an expert communicator.

So one of the big huge changes I'm going to make is to be a better listener and talk less. No interrupting, no finishing sentences, no jumping to conclusions. I'm also trying not to swear. Lofty goals...I know. My first fifty posts were pretty ridiculous if you ask me...I've now re-read all of them and I'm embarrassed how much I put out here, and what a mess I went through. As for the next fifty posts? I'm looking forward to seeing growth, maturity, more self respect and less scratching at the surface.

And where my mind wanders to? That is where my heart is. It's risky, but it's worth it...and so am I.

A Better Place and a Healed Heart - a very simple post 🎶

I've listened to a LOT of Pandora lately. I listen to it falling asleep, throughout my day, in hotels on overnights away from home, biking, working out, absolutely any time I can. Looking back, music has always been important to me. I began playing piano around age 4, then started playing the flute in elementary school and played flute and percussion instruments through college. I also sang in performing choir and continued singing in college. I originally majored in music with the intention of becoming a middle school band director (thank you Mr Walton for making it look like a glamorous career) but never finished. I never, ever lost my passion for music though. In fact, it has only intensified.

There are few people who really understand me...but the ones who do completely relate to my obsession with music. My friend Michelle and I went to too many concerts last year to count, and I went to even more without her. I have another friend who I can message "guess what I am thinking right now" and the answer has evolved to always come back with song lyrics. Even as I'm writing this, I am listening to lyrics that make my heart happy and bring a smile to my face.

I am convinced I was born with a musical force field around me. My feelings are triggered by melodies, both familiar and new, and are awakened to a level of alertness that can't be explained. I fall in love with songs and people in the same way...I feel something from them. I am a passionate person...often I am worried I am too much for people to handle...but not for the right person. When that person comes along, I know they will understand me, accept me for who I am and fall in love with my soul just like their favorite music. I am in such a better place than this time last year. My heart has definitely healed. The world is a better place with a melody, with lyrics, and with love. I can truly relate to the song below. 💛