Wandering Minds (50th post)

February 8, 2015 I published my first blog post. Today on July 30, 2016 this will be my 50th. I've had a lot to say, but I was mostly just scratching at the surface of the real underlying issues in many of my wordy ramblings. I write to clear my own head. I don't write to gain followers or create a fan base. I don't even write to help other people out. Someday, maybe, that will be a goal...right now it's for me...and for those of you reading this, you probably won't understand unless you've been in my shoes, or can read my wandering mind

I sent a catty text to the ex yesterday congratulating him and his girlfriend on their two year anniversary. He flew out to meet her for the first time two years ago this week. I wasn't proud of myself after sending it. It was a stupid jab at him that made me realize I'm still holding a lot of anger towards the situation. Two years later and he's still with the same person he cheated on me with and I am not in a relationship like that. I've had a couple of people in and out of my life, and I keep telling myself I don't want to get into anything serious until my kids are out of school...I'm trying to avoid creating any more turmoil in their world. At least that's the excuse I've been using. However, right now, as I try to open myself up to a new relationship, I feel I will still somehow ruin it.

I've been told I talk too much and I'm too loud. I've heard this since grade school. This isn't news to me. But when you hear it again from someone you care about and realize how annoying you can be to them, it hurts. My friends already know this about me...sometimes I am funny, sometimes I am embarrassing, I mean well, and a good majority of the time I am nothing but positive energy. However, when something comes up that reminds you of the crap you were fed from your ex husband for 20 years, it hurts...a lot. I've tried to change. I've tried to think before I speak. I've tried to stay quiet and let things go. It works for some things, but not for everything. I feel the need to explain, and give history, and defend myself, and then fill in details and more history until I have completely exhausted everyone around me. There's a fine line between standing up for yourself and trying to convince someone else of your worth. I have crossed that line in the past and I don't want to do it again. I have also realized that just because I talk a lot, that doesn't make me an expert communicator.

So one of the big huge changes I'm going to make is to be a better listener and talk less. No interrupting, no finishing sentences, no jumping to conclusions. I'm also trying not to swear. Lofty goals...I know. My first fifty posts were pretty ridiculous if you ask me...I've now re-read all of them and I'm embarrassed how much I put out here, and what a mess I went through. As for the next fifty posts? I'm looking forward to seeing growth, maturity, more self respect and less scratching at the surface.

And where my mind wanders to? That is where my heart is. It's risky, but it's worth it...and so am I.