Headwaters...

Headwaters are the source of a river or stream, the literal waters that feed the river. There are a number of ways to define headwaters, and a number of potential sources of water to feed rivers and streams. In some cultures, people have mystical associations with these waters, especially those of major rivers which play a vital role in their communities, and these people may view the place as the source of life for the community as well as the literal source of water for the stream. As a result, shrines are sometimes established at sites identified as headwaters.

One way to think about headwaters is to imagine walking along the banks of a river or stream until it vanished. This furthest point along the river could be considered the headwaters. Some people consider this to be the furthest conceivable point from which water could flow in a watershed, whether or not the place is bearing water, and as a result, the location may move around. Others consider the headwaters to be the furthest point that supplies water throughout the year, making the location a stable, static place.        Source: wiseGEEK.com

My room in Yakima tonight has a balcony that overlooks the Naches River. It's flowing fast, it's just loud enough to use as white noise while I sleep (as long as I also crank the heat up in my room), and it's the perfect backdrop for reflection while I write. 

I'm envious of this water. I feel the need for movement in my life. So much has happened over the past two and a half years. I'm in a place I couldn't have ever imagined back then. However, I am once again at the point of "whats next"? I have experienced so much grown and change, yet I am eager for more. For some reason I haven't been doing as many of the smaller things that brought me so much joy...dancing, painting, concerts. Granted, my schedule is crazy with flying, and when I'm home, I just want to spend time with my children. But the urge is growing...I feel another change coming on and I just can't seem to identify the source of the anticipation.

Oh, and on a side note, the ex is getting married this week! I'm genuinely very happy for him, but he probably will never understand or want to believe that. It's not that I think he wants me to be miserable about it, but I just don't think he realizes I'm so over our relationship that I've been happy for him for a really long time! Good for him! I hope he makes this one last another twenty years. As for myself, I am thoroughly enjoying discovering my strengths, working on improving myself, and accomplishing my dreams. Cheers Ben! I probably won't ever tell you in person, but I wish you and Kelsey much success in your second marriages.

I am where I am TODAY

Tomorrow is my 2nd Divorciversary...January 31, 2015 I became a single woman after 20 years of marriage.  In those 20 years, I experienced what I believe were the happiest moments of my life...the birth of each one of my four amazing children, numerous milestones with each one, high school and college graduations, and so on and so forth. While listening to and watching Brad Paisley's song "Today", it dawned on me that lately I've been feeling like all the milestone and happiest moments of my life have already taken place.

I then took a few moments to reflect on the past two years. I've taken my kids to Disneyland, my son to MLB games, my youngest to Anchorage, Alaska, sent another daughter to Washington DC, visited my oldest a few times while she was working at Pebble Beach, I've been skydiving, learned to paint, performed burlesque, changed CAREERS, seen Niagara Falls, fallen in and out of love, survived disappointment, heartbreak, financial issues, lost my father to colon cancer, and SO MUCH MORE. I feel I have LIVED and EXPERIENCED more in the last two years than I ever had in the past. I am bursting with pride because of how resilient my kids have been through all the changes. I'm proud of myself for keeping my chin up and being positive 99.7% of the time.

I feel like I have made it through the worst of times. I have faith that more "happiest moments of my life" are still ahead of me. I believe I will be even more in love and have an amazing relationship with someone I can grow old with, I'll see my children raise families of their own, and I'll travel to places I had once only dreamed of. I vow to never lose hope, to always have dreams to pursue, to inspire my children to follow their passions, and always keep smiling...being grateful for everything I am blessed with.

I have also reached the rule of 10% (Being divorced 10% of the length of the time I was married). This holds another significance for me. I'm moving on. I'm happy with my choices, my children, my career, my health, my friends, and my future. My goal? Make every TODAY something I want to remember and look back on fondly. 

'Twas the night before birthday...

Twas the night before birthday and all through the house
Laundry was washing, uniform pants and a blouse
The towels were all folded and stacked with great care
Underwear and socks piled up on the chair

The birthday girl (me) sprawled across my king bed
While memories of the past year ran through my head
While Liz in her Jammie's and Danny in shorts
Were finishing homework and writing reports

When straight from my cell phone arose a great noise
I turned and retrieved it expecting great joys
Alas it was nothing more than a new email chime
I dropped the phone down and resigned to bedtime

I stood up to close the blinds for the night
But froze in my steps at the beautiful sight
The last bit of sun on the horizons expanse
Demanded attention not just a quick glance

I stood and I stared at the beautify sky
And choked back the tears welling up in my eye
Another day gone, not just any day
The last day of the year before my birthday

My children, new friends
A Job that I love
My health, my home
So much I'm proud of
From the start of the day
To the end of the night
I give thanks and pray that
I keep up the good fight

As dry leaves before the wild hurricane breeze
When met with obstacles, we drop to our knees
So down I went to give thanks and request
Courage and comfort and plenty of rest

And then in a moment I felt in my soul
The peaceful feeling I had as my goal
As I stood from my prayer and got into bed
I thought about my exciting new year ahead

I was covered in shivers from my head to my toe
As I acknowledged My Trials are how I will grow
The weight of the world I carried with me
Felt lifted, a bit lighter, I can be free

My eyes, how they twinkled!  My dimple, how merry!
My cheeks were rosy the color of cherries
My smile was genuine and quick
And I flashed my grin with a lick of my lips.

I spoke not a word but went straight to work
Writing this poem trying not to smirk
At last I was done, took a deep breath of air
Closed out the blog, hit save and then share.

I sprang to my feet, brushed my teeth and my hair
Climbed back into bed without a worry or care
In my heart I felt calm, everything was alright
Happy birthday to me I thought and to you a goodnight.

Wandering Minds (50th post)

February 8, 2015 I published my first blog post. Today on July 30, 2016 this will be my 50th. I've had a lot to say, but I was mostly just scratching at the surface of the real underlying issues in many of my wordy ramblings. I write to clear my own head. I don't write to gain followers or create a fan base. I don't even write to help other people out. Someday, maybe, that will be a goal...right now it's for me...and for those of you reading this, you probably won't understand unless you've been in my shoes, or can read my wandering mind

I sent a catty text to the ex yesterday congratulating him and his girlfriend on their two year anniversary. He flew out to meet her for the first time two years ago this week. I wasn't proud of myself after sending it. It was a stupid jab at him that made me realize I'm still holding a lot of anger towards the situation. Two years later and he's still with the same person he cheated on me with and I am not in a relationship like that. I've had a couple of people in and out of my life, and I keep telling myself I don't want to get into anything serious until my kids are out of school...I'm trying to avoid creating any more turmoil in their world. At least that's the excuse I've been using. However, right now, as I try to open myself up to a new relationship, I feel I will still somehow ruin it.

I've been told I talk too much and I'm too loud. I've heard this since grade school. This isn't news to me. But when you hear it again from someone you care about and realize how annoying you can be to them, it hurts. My friends already know this about me...sometimes I am funny, sometimes I am embarrassing, I mean well, and a good majority of the time I am nothing but positive energy. However, when something comes up that reminds you of the crap you were fed from your ex husband for 20 years, it hurts...a lot. I've tried to change. I've tried to think before I speak. I've tried to stay quiet and let things go. It works for some things, but not for everything. I feel the need to explain, and give history, and defend myself, and then fill in details and more history until I have completely exhausted everyone around me. There's a fine line between standing up for yourself and trying to convince someone else of your worth. I have crossed that line in the past and I don't want to do it again. I have also realized that just because I talk a lot, that doesn't make me an expert communicator.

So one of the big huge changes I'm going to make is to be a better listener and talk less. No interrupting, no finishing sentences, no jumping to conclusions. I'm also trying not to swear. Lofty goals...I know. My first fifty posts were pretty ridiculous if you ask me...I've now re-read all of them and I'm embarrassed how much I put out here, and what a mess I went through. As for the next fifty posts? I'm looking forward to seeing growth, maturity, more self respect and less scratching at the surface.

And where my mind wanders to? That is where my heart is. It's risky, but it's worth it...and so am I.

A Better Place and a Healed Heart - a very simple post 🎶

I've listened to a LOT of Pandora lately. I listen to it falling asleep, throughout my day, in hotels on overnights away from home, biking, working out, absolutely any time I can. Looking back, music has always been important to me. I began playing piano around age 4, then started playing the flute in elementary school and played flute and percussion instruments through college. I also sang in performing choir and continued singing in college. I originally majored in music with the intention of becoming a middle school band director (thank you Mr Walton for making it look like a glamorous career) but never finished. I never, ever lost my passion for music though. In fact, it has only intensified.

There are few people who really understand me...but the ones who do completely relate to my obsession with music. My friend Michelle and I went to too many concerts last year to count, and I went to even more without her. I have another friend who I can message "guess what I am thinking right now" and the answer has evolved to always come back with song lyrics. Even as I'm writing this, I am listening to lyrics that make my heart happy and bring a smile to my face.

I am convinced I was born with a musical force field around me. My feelings are triggered by melodies, both familiar and new, and are awakened to a level of alertness that can't be explained. I fall in love with songs and people in the same way...I feel something from them. I am a passionate person...often I am worried I am too much for people to handle...but not for the right person. When that person comes along, I know they will understand me, accept me for who I am and fall in love with my soul just like their favorite music. I am in such a better place than this time last year. My heart has definitely healed. The world is a better place with a melody, with lyrics, and with love. I can truly relate to the song below. 💛

Uncertain Future~a perfect Sunday thought

There has been so much on my mind lately, and an unbelievable amount of things in my life have occurred. Since my last entry, my life has drastically changed. It was less than three months ago when I ranted about "not being strong anymore". I was so done putting on my brave face. Then I resigned to just hand everything over to God and let my life take shape as it should. I realized I was interfering too much in my own life. 

I don't get religious too often for a reason...but this bible verse completely jumped out at me today and I absolutely have to honor that. 

Over the past few months, I have had a complete change of heart in what I want my future to look like. It looks so different than when I first got divorced. I have met an incredible group of people that I'm so proud to call my friends and coworkers and work family. I've made connections that I am positive will be life long. These people were brought into my life for a reason, and I was brought into their lives for a reason too. My nickname during ground school was "Momma Linda", and I really do care about these people. 

The more I relax about my own future and just let things unfold, I am noticing the struggles that others are going through. Relationship issues, personal struggles, financial problems, depression...the list goes on and on. I hope that I have the words of encouragement that lift them up or help them find the help they need to work on the issues themselves.

Then there is my best friend...I absolutely believe God blessed me with her because she is the only person that can handle me, understand me, sympathize with me, identify my needs and completely anticipate my moods and reactions to the events life throws at me. 

God really is watching out for me. I have had people brought into my life that have absolutely changed me. I have had more passion, drive, happiness, sense of accomplishment and pride in myself than I have EVER experienced in my life. My children have seen my true self emerge. I am trying to balance that with helping them understand this is a process they will be going through as well someday. I really do believe this is what "finding yourself" looks like. 

This week my oldest daughter turns 21, my ex husband and his girlfriend are visiting from Minnesota and the kids will meet her, I will be traveling as much as possible (to mostly avoid that), and I will be in one of the happiest phases in my life. I am cautiously optimistic however, because it seems like when everything is going so well, there will always be something that creeps in and tries to steal your joy and happiness, tries to break you, tries to bring you down. I have to remember that God is watching out for me. He knows what is in my best interest. Hard times put the shine into the diamond (Dierks Bentley~Riser). And I plan on shining bright for a long time.

I'm Done Being Strong

I hit a wall today. The last few days, no weeks, okay actually the last several months have been incredibly difficult and I have not reached out for any help and I've tried not to complain. I focus on all of the good things happening in my life. I am grateful for all the positives...good health, great children, enough money to barely pay the bills, a new job with great health insurance coming up, and endless blessings I have. I have no right to complain. But sometimes I get tired of being Pollyanna, always playing the Glad Game. 

I was married for 20 years. Obviously it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, or we would still be together...but more often than not, we were there for each other. He has moved on and straight into another situation where he has someone caring for him again. I do not. I have not. Dating here and there is completely different that being committed to someone, and having someone to look out for you. Someone to help me with car troubles. Someone to go car shopping with because one has broken down and another one is about to. Someone to notice and pick up on little things I've commented on and show me they care about me. I miss that. A LOT. And I know I'm not ready for that, because I could have had it and I pushed it away. I want to be fine by myself. I want to be there for my kids and make them priority, not some other person in my life. It might be different if my situation was different, but these kids are with me 100%. They are my priority. 

As I start this new journey and new career, I have worried that I'm being judged by others as being selfish for pursuing my dream of being a flight attendant, that somehow I won't be a good mom anymore. That I have put my dreams ahead of the needs of my kids. To those of you who have thought that...are you KIDDING me? I am busting my ass to get into a career field that will provide exceptional medical, dental and vision and countless other benefits for my family and can get them off of Medicaid. I worked in dental 20 years and could never offer insurance to my kids. Thankfully they have always been covered under their dad...until he lost his job and moved out of state, and that left ME to figure out how to take care of them 100%. Sure, I've sounded excited, and looked excited, and posted exciting things about this new career...but it is going to be hard work, long hours, and not the least bit glamorous at the bottom of the seniority pool. I have to leave my children for an entire month for training, when I've never been away from them longer than 8 days. I am making sacrifices so I can take care of them better. I'm trying to do something I love for work so that I can remain in the position long term and have security for the future. I can not count on some other man's money or retirement to come in to play. I have to be prepared to do this myself for the long haul. And that scares the hell out of me.

So, as this journey is about to start...I am only putting on the brave face for my kids. I only care about what they are feeling and concerned with. I am done playing strong and brave faced for everyone else. I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm excited, but most importantly, I am just doing the best I can to be successful and work hard and raise great kids.