Un-traditioning : reprogramming the new normal

Happy 6th of July

I couldn't write for a while. I'm so happy with my life right now, so please don't mistake what I have to say with anything other than just being real. There's a lot around this time of year that is messing with my head and my heart.

For about 6 of the past 10 years, there was a fourth of July potluck in the front yard of the "big house" (that's the house we all lived in) that I hosted with the help of a couple of neighbors. Everyone would bring a side dish, and whatever meat they wanted to grill and their lawn chairs. We would bring our big grill around front, set up folding tables and coolers of drinks and everyone would set up chairs all over our yard. This would start around 6:30pm, and we would all sit and eat and visit and laugh for hours until it became dark enough to move all the chairs behind our house in a common area "the track" to set off fireworks. One of our neighbors used to spend WAY TOO MUCH money on illegal ones. He was a widower, and just loved these gatherings. Last fourth of July was our first gathering without him (he passed away prior to the new year of 2014). After the display, everyone would help gather things up and life returned to normal. For those few hours, we were all completely carefree and happy. One year the sprinklers in the common area behind our house came on while we were lighting off fireworks and got everybody wet. I remember these things like they were yesterday.

FAST FORWARD TO THIS YEAR:

The EX was the one who loved lighting off fireworks with the kids. Even when he was on duty, he would make it a point to stop by. Several years his shift rotation allowed him to be off work completely. This year he is in Minnesota with his girlfriend and her two small kids celebrating the fourth and looking for a job. My oldest is in college in Oregon. Second oldest spent it at her boyfriends house and Ann Morrison park. Son was playing in a baseball tournament earlier in the day then stayed home with the dogs to make sure they weren't getting too scared and played video games all night online with a friend. Youngest went to her cousins house and set off lots of fireworks and had a BBQ. I watched my son play baseball, then went back to watch the late game because I didn't want to be at my house alone. Then I finally went to a girlfriends house and hung out with snack plates, drinks and we surfed dating websites. My son never lit a single fireworks this year. The cul d sac has changed...more people have moved out besides just me this year...and the tradition just stopped. Like I said...I love my life. I am happy. I hate that traditions effect me so much and I'm pained by watching my kids recognize the amount of upheaval in their lives. But I made it through the fourth and then the fifth arrived...

JULY 5, 2015

Emily called me in the morning to let me know one of our dogs needs to see a vet. She was on her way to work and I just assured her everything would be OK with the dog, etc . I had a lazy morning drinking coffee in bed and was still doing nothing when my phone rang and it was Emily's number. I had a sick feeling when answering, and sure enough, it was a paramedic letting me know they were transporting emily to the ER after she had a seizure at work. There's a lot of emotions and memories triggered when Emily has a seizure.  She was released same day and came home and had her boyfriend come keep her company. We have dealt with Emily's seizures for 18 months now, and about to start again with a cardiologist and neurologist to see if there's any new information. But this time, I'm doing it alone, uninsured, and without the emotional support of another adult in my life.

So Happy July 6th. I needed to vent. I'm sad, im lonely, I'm worried about all my kids, I'm worried about my new normal life ahead of me, and I'm trying to un-tradition each holiday, special occasion and family function so I can start to reprogram a new kind of normal for us.

As negative as all of that sounded, here is the reality of my life right now:
I have more self confidence than I have EVER had as an adult.
I see my children being resilient and forgiving and accepting.
I have more appreciation for the small things in my life.
I am meeting new experiences head on and with all of my enthusiasm.
I have brought new friends into my life and I can see the benefits each one of them offer me, and hope I find what I can help them with in their lives.
I realize I have a lot of love to give, and I can do it without protecting myself so much.

Thank you for being part of my life, even if you only read my blog and we never talk. I hope you take a little of my advice when I remind you of this one thing...don't get so wrapped up in tradition that you become disappointed if circumstances change. New traditions can develop, a new normal can be created, and the best tradition for any gathering is to remember everything you have to be grateful for.