Overcoming Insecurity

I think it's pretty natural for humans to be insecure, to a certain extent. I can only speak for myself at the moment though. It's 4:45am and I am wide awake. Thankfully, I have today off work and I only have grocery shopping to get done. I'll sleep later. Right now I am spending time examining my troubling feelings that are keeping me from sleep. 

I was reminiscing with a friend tonight what an awful year my 40th year was, then after some of the worst moments of my life, my 41st year ended up absolutely amazing. Now I'm 42. I look back two years ago at all the insecurities I had...mostly things I was told were wrong with me...and see the growth I've had. I have gained so much confidence since my divorce, yet I still get the unwelcome visits periodically from Insecurity that makes me doubt myself. 

I'll throw these out there so I don't skirt around the issues: 

I don't want to be alone. Outside of immediate family, I don't feel important to anyone. I want to mean the world to someone. I want someone who is in love with me, not just loves me (there's a difference). I worry that I will scare people away when I start showing my serious, emotional side. (I'm great company when my guard is up) I'm afraid I will be everyone's best friend and sidekick, but not relationship material. I'm also afraid I don't want any of the above, just miss the feelings associated with it all! 

I don't know why I'm rushing myself to have my life figured out right now. I have plenty of time, I hope. I have just been plagued with this feeling of urgency in several areas of my life. I don't want to waste time. I want to make every moment count, and if I don't know where my path is taking me, I'm finding myself filled with anxiety and impatience. I want answers. I want security. I want a lot that I can't even put a finger on and give a name to it. 

According to this chart, I am doing well in the confidence area. My insecurities have less to do with myself as a person, and more to do with my future in general. I'm self talking my way through this as I write, and it just became clear to me that is what is troubling me. I am a confident person. See the chart below:

So now that I have accepted the fact that I'm okay, and it's the fear of my unknown future, I can work on other things, like patience and using my time wisely. Also, in taking time to figure out what I want. Here are a few things that I know already...

(I don't agree with parts of that second paragraph...I don't have self-hate or worry about what others think of me...but I can be clingy and I am a hopeless romantic at heart!)

So, I'm doing okay I think...I am capable of showing and receiving love. I know when I'm being treated poorly, and it's my choice to accept that treatment or walk away with my head held high. I tend to relate a lot of my emotions and memories to music, and this particular song puts those feelings into words...if this was being sung to me by the person I want to hear it from, because I will feel the same way in return... This isn't the radio version...which makes it even better for my heart. 

The person who gets me is going to be really damn lucky. 

Thank you for following along with me on my self therapy session.

Here's the radio version of Lee Brice's song (by the way, I got to hear this live, at his concert, falling in love with it)