A clean slate...for someone

I've been absent a while... Metaphorically speaking and physically absent as well.  I'm back...in both ways. I guess I needed some time to process the loss of a job, the loss of direction for a while, the uncertainty of my future, and a bunch of junk that just wanted to bubble up to the surface. I can't wait for all of that to resolve before writing again, because life just isn't ever going to be perfect, or calm, or convenient, so I will just make room for getting my words out and accomplish this task of sharing again. 

Sometime this week my kids' dad is coming back into town. He has been out of state for two months, but hasn't physically spent any time with them for closer to three months. I am in close to panic mode about this, mostly because he's not coming home to stay.  He's coming to visit, say hi to his children, spend his birthday here with his parents and sisters (and kids I guess?) then pack up his truck and drive to Minnesota to begin his new life.  I get it. He's moving on. I am happier than ever that he's found something to lift him out of his depression he's been suffering, and can make a new start and get back on his feet. My one issue...it comes at the expense of his kids. 

I know, I know...kids are resilient. It is my job to protect them and reassure them this decision has nothing to do with them...he's not abandoning them, he's not giving up on them, he's not replacing them with "her kids", I know how to keep everything positive about him in their eyes. I absolutely have no intention of souring the relationship between father and child. BUT...I will not accept responsibility for what his decision creates in their mind. I am beside myself about this, and I have issues with men in general that make this move and discard their children. I get it...there are definite reasons that this has to happen in some cases...I just can't figure a way to justify it in my head. 

I know plenty of divorced men and women that have figured out how to work things out while keeping the welfare of their children as TOP PRIORITY. As bad as my divorce was...let's recap...my arrest and jail time, his loss of job, complete change in financial status, etc...the main focus every moment of every day was making sure the kids were taken care of and we were working on doing things for their benefit. I don't have to be his best friend, but I refuse to be the enemy as well. I've known him for 23 years, and was married to him for 20. I didn't think a year ago that we would be talking civil..but we are. Maybe some of that is because he is 1400 miles away and I don't have daily interaction with him. 

My other deep seeded resentment for his actions? He walks away and starts a new life. Leaves the pain, hurt, embarrassment of his past behind. He can stuff it all down deep where it will fester and come back to haunt him in time, but for the moment...can start with a clean slate. Guess where that leaves the mom (me)?  Dealing with the pain, hurt and embarrassment of the past, both in my life and in each one of our kids. It was bad enough being cheated on and lied to, but now we are all being discarded too? It's like a double whammy, slap in the face, and a big F You. Where's my clean slate, fresh start and new life?  Oh, I have it. I'm creating it. But MINE is centered around my kids. So forgive me if you think some of my actions appear self centered, but there may be times I need a breather...to step back and take a short break from holding everything together with a very weak glue. I'm new at this. I'm trying to preserve my sanity, my kids trust for adults, and restore their faith in love and marriage. I've got my work cut out for me.

As far as future relationships go...I can't commit to anything right now except my family. If I let you in to my family unit, you are being entrusted with a HUGE honor of possibly becoming a role model for my children. This in itself is a massive role, and not one to be taken lightly. I'm not looking for a new daddy for them. I'm not looking for a husband for me. I am looking for a sounding board, a friend, an entertainer...just someone that can interact in a positive light and help restore some of that trust and faith in adults for my kids. Someone to reassure me that I am doing okay...that I have good kids...or if you see a looming potential problem, you are able to call it like you see it and help me figure out a solution before it's too late. 

Who I let around my kids and who I spend my time with shouldn't be two class of people. I have to put some of my own wants and needs aside if necessary and purely focus on the kids ...this last year I've been very selfish and self preserving. That time is over now...I made it through the toughest parts of this situation...time to turn to my children and help them through their tough time right now.

I don't want this post to offend or confuse anyone, I'm withdrawing for a while, from a lot of areas, until I know my kids can get through this shift of seeing their dad move out of state and all of us move back into the house they grew up in. Yes'm that's right...renting from the ex...keeping his house occupied and having the kids back in the neighborhood and where they are comfortable. That is going to do a number on me mentally and emotionally, but again...kids best interests in mind, not mine. 

I'll get through this...my kids will get through it...like EVERYONE has been telling me, kids are resilient, right!? 

Feel free to wish me luck, and keep my kids in your prayers. I think they deserve a clean slate too, or at least a chance to not have their current slate covered with a bunch of crap.