It has been a long time since my last heartfelt blog. I've started and deleted no less than ten entries between the last one in November and now. Many life altering events have happened, and I believe I'm in the midst of yet another one. I feel like I've suddenly become this self righteous female that is on a truth crusade. I'm fighting all injustices regarding emotions, friendships, love and honesty. This is not my battle to fight for anyone else besides me though. Why can't I just let others be, and conserve my energy for those who I don't need to fight for?
Example... My youngest daughter. There were some issues with her posting on social media things that were inappropriate and untrue. Solution...she got called out on it. There were big discussions about consequences from many different angles. She lost her devices, closed accounts, has much more adult supervision and hopefully understands the reasons behind the big changes in her life. This was worth fighting for. This was hopefully a life lesson she will always carry with her. I hope she chooses honesty and self respect in the future...sure, there will be bumps in the road ahead, there always are...but for the majority of the decisions she makes, I want her to have honesty instilled as one of her values. This is a parenting job, a lesson to also be taught by example, and one that I will fight for EVERY TIME.
You know what else is worth fighting for? YOU. Yourself. Your own self respect, your heart, your values and integrity. Don't allow others to belittle you, to take away your faith and trust in mankind, to treat you with less respect than you deserve. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated, to be lied to, or to be used for a way to pass time until the next best thing comes along.
I have always been a people pleaser. This started in junior high, continued throughout high school, perfected in college, and then learned in marriage to tiptoe on eggshells and keep the peace for the children we were raising. After our divorce, and lots of counseling, I began to recognize how little I valued myself. I have spent the last year focusing on surrounding myself with individuals that I have been able to have candidly open and honest conversations with. I think it's easy to do when people are sharing negativity, ranting about divorce, or trying to form bonds with someone new. I always assumed what I was hearing was the truth, because I knew I was telling the truth. Looking back on it, I think I was fed a lot of bull. I'm getting better at connecting with my intuition and BS detector, and am genuinely starting to question my core group of acquaintances.
I've learned that I am an open book. I will tell you the truth about 100% of my life. If I don't have a strong connection with you, I may not share certain aspects with you, but I won't lie to you about them either. I will just withhold personal details until I feel I can trust you. I've also learned that I genuinely want to trust everyone. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I assume there is no motive to hurt me, because you are an adult and have the same values as I do. I am in no way claiming to be perfect. I have not always been honest. I have not always been faithful. But I did go through some heart wrenching times during my marriage that completely opened my eyes and changed my behavior for the better. I vowed to myself, which is more important than promising someone else, to stop lying...for ever. It is now physically impossible for me to lie. It was that traumatic of an experience.
I have learned that behavior can change (most often it's only temporary) but your character is unchangeable. During very stressful times, I find myself slipping into old behavior patterns. I have to stop and remind myself every two to three days, or publicly call myself out and get help from my friends with accountability. I believe the people I've surrounded myself with all have stellar character, but some haven't taken time to examine their motives, actions and values lately. With the end of the year approaching, and a new one about to begin, it's a perfect time for self reflection and inventory.
It is my personality to be open and honest. I usually follow that up with "to a fault", but I am no longer going to look at it that way. It is a gift. I have been given a gift to feel deeply, love unconditionally, to be open with emotions and to help heal people that need healing. I would like to think that I can teach others that it is okay to open yourself up, to risk rejection in lieu of false hopes for the future, and to love yourself enough to let others see your flaws and shortcomings. I don't want perfection...there is no such thing. I want to be able to see honest, real, open, vulnerable and dependable qualities in you. I want you to see those qualities in me as well...without having to dig deep.
I know many of my best qualities have been intensified due to experiences I have been through in life. Maybe the people I'm counting on haven't experienced what I have, in order to gain perspective on their own value system. All I can do is continue to be me...like it or leave it...I won't change or shut myself down, because as painful as it might be to possibly get rejected by someone, it will be so worth it when I do find my circle of people to trust.
The best gift I can give you is me...my humor, my excitement for life and adventure, my love for my family, my sense of wonder in the beauty of nature, my open mind and open heart, and my honesty and trust.
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