42 years in the making...

It's liberating when you decide to be single (or when the decision is made for you and you willingly embrace it I guess?) I can't give myself all of the credit for just deciding to become single. I went through rejection again and AGAIN. I consciously ignored and pushed away people who could have been part of my life, and they did the same to me...so really it was a combined effort. They deserve credit too...but truly the decision to be at PEACE with it was mine. As I mentioned previously, I've had either an all-consuming crush, a boyfriend, a husband, or a male significant other since around the age of 14. I wasn't even allowed to date until I was 16, but that didn't keep me from becoming wrapped up with boys long before that. 

Looking back on each fixation or relationship, I am now able to analyze the good and the bad experiences and how they shaped my thinking about myself and men in general. I'm not proud to say that I blamed a lot of bad things on men. I can truly say that I never trusted men, EVER, while growing up. I watched my parents marriage, and even though their 50th wedding anniversary is this May, it wasn't the model marriage for three daughters to learn about love and trust. I won't get into all of that, because this is about MY decision and how I messed up...not my parents or sisters marriages. Just know, that even though I wasn't exposed to the perfect union, I was free to form my own opinion and views, and I often chose wrong. 

I believe there is more than one someone for each one of us out there. More than just "the one". In fact, I think there are several "soul mates" that we will recognize during our lives. Did we know these people before we were born, or maybe as some would question "from another life"? These are all much deeper and philosophical subjects than what I am willing to write about, so for now let's assume that the people we interact with during our lives were placed in our path for a reason deeper than we understand at this point in time. I've seen it play out in my own life, and if we are truly paying attention to the lessons we've already learned in life, many of you can relate to this. I am not trying to convince anyone that "everything happens for a reason". If that were the case, death, sickness and tragedy would be nothing more than a sick joke. What I believe, and is easier to accept, is there is a lesson to be learned from each experience we go through. These moments are the ones I look back on and understand "it happened for a reason" or "it was meant to be". You should, and will eventually, pick up the pieces and make the best of a tragedy and learn to overcome.

From what most of you know about me, you assume I am the least qualified to write about tragedy or loss or horrific life events. With the exception of war and military service and loss of life, I've been through more than I will ever share on a public blog. Things that should have ended my life and didn't. Situations that broke me but not my spirit. Many of the things I won't write about yet happened in the hands of men. I believed I had the right to hate men and began to believe I was nothing more than an object. My ex husband knew this, and while he desperately tried to help fix these issues, they eventually compounded into deeper trust issues with him...up until the grand finale of our twenty year marriage ending in infidelity and divorce. One cynical view would be "I was right" and continue on mistrusting men. I choose NOT to live the remainder of my life this way. I'm taking credit for my part in feeding into this myth that men can't be trusted. I'll put this out there for what it's worth...IF YOU DONT TRUST YOURSELF, YOU WILL NEVER TRUST ANYONE ELSE. 

This is where my trust issue came from. I was ill-equipped in the trust department. I had already made poor choices. I continued to make poor choices. I had to stop making poor choices at some point. Choices become patterns and patterns become habits. Bad habits are heard to break. I have learned through painful processes to not only trust myself, but to love myself and acknowledge that I am the one person who I can depend on to get me through anything in my life. It is because I can trust myself with that task that I can now trust others. This wasn't an overnight epiphany. This journey has been 42 years in the making, but the clarity did appear overnight. There was a vivid moment of realization that my journey through hell was over. 

I have friends right now going through similar relationship difficulties that I've experienced, and as much as I want to jump in and tell them what they need to do, I remember that each of us have a different path in life to take. Your answers are already inside you. Your road maps, your life GPS, is waiting to give you directions...you just have to decide where you are going to go. Your free will can take you on endless detours that might be pleasant or painful. It's all up to you. But whatever choices you decide to make, be willing and able to take accountability for them. There is nothing worse than blaming others for your situation. Be responsible, learn to trust yourself, and you will learn to enjoy the journey so much more.

I have many friends, my counselor and a few people from churches that I thank for their contributions to my journey. I would say thank you, but the chances they are reading this are slim, and if you are reading it, the chances you know how much you've helped me are even slimmer. THANK YOU

Being SINGLE

I am an honest to God, single, grown-ass adult woman. It is the first time in my LIFE than I can make this claim. This is the first time since I was a boy-crazy teenager, that I haven't had a boyfriend. I have no one to check in with, I have no one offering their affection, I have no one that I am showering with my affection. I am SINGLE. I am counting on MYSELF to get through my troubles and celebrating my joys with my kids and female friends. During the first year after my divorce I felt I needed someone constantly, I feared I would be alone forever, I didn't know how to go from married for twenty years to being alone. I had a transition period that involved one very close friend that I knew from childhood, and a couple of other people that I met and felt were important to me. Somehow, magically, when I hit my one year divorciversary on January 30, 2016, I felt an intense need to be unattached. I don't know if it's a burning desire to prove to myself I am a capable, independent, smart and confident woman, or if I am determined to get to know who I am and what I want before morphing into a version of what someone else expects me to be.

Here are some interesting things I discovered in that first year:

• I was a people pleaser. I didn't realize this...I thought I just agreed with things my husband wanted to do so we could spend time together...but quickly realized I found myself doing things with others and for others I didn't have interest in just to avoid conflict or to make them happy, even if I was miserable.
• I morphed into what the other person was...the ex was into weight lifting, so I became a gym rat with him. If he liked his eggs a certain way, that's how I ate them. If he liked certain music,  I started listening to it as well. If he didn't like someone, I in turn didn't like them (or at least didn't act like I did). I NEVER thought for myself. I didn't make my own decisions. I depended upon being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and never questioned why. I continued to act like this after the divorce and rarely made decisions without getting approval from a second party.
• I needed validation and wasn't getting it in my marriage. I questioned whether I was a good person or not. I knew I was an excellent mother, but I wasn't an excellent wife and felt I wasn't a very good friend either. My self esteem was rarely evident. I questioned my worth constantly. 
• I felt the only time I could be myself was when I was alone. I was always looking for some kind of escape. I couldn't stand for other people to see me in my family setting...I felt like a fraud.
• Even when I was alone, I was uncomfortable with myself.

All of these things have changed...drastically!  Yes, I've opened myself up to more genres of music now, but it's because I LIKE THEM. I listen to country and admit it, even if the person I'm with isn't a fan.  I eat my eggs however I'm in the mood for them. I make decisions to do things without checking for approval first (just notify my kids where I am). I see my counselor purely for the enjoyment of bouncing ideas off of her instead of fretting there is something wrong with my head. I go to movies and dinner by myself and enjoy it! I love being my own company. I don't seek validation from men or women. I love myself. I am an incredible person and IF AND WHEN the right man comes along, he will be blown away by me. That is NOT cockiness. I am finally confident. It wasn't anyone who instilled that in me, it was ME...I am enough. I am the example of Stuart Smalley in front of his mirror stating positive affirmations. I will not waste any more of my time questioning why, how, when and who will make me feel better. I did it. You need to do it on your own. And it helps to figure it out while you are SINGLE. 

Good luck if you still are getting there. You can do it. I believe in you. You ARE enough...if you aren't enough for someone else, that is not your problem. We always have something we can improve about ourselves, but it's not going to come solely in the form of physical attributes. It's your heart, your soul, and your head. It's how you think, what you feel and what you believe. Work on that. Then work on it some more. And the whole time you are working on it, be positive. Seek out beauty in the world. Focus on thing that are RIGHT in your world. Smile at people, compliment others, do good for other people. You will see things change right before your eyes. One day you will realize, just like I did suddenly, that you've made it. 

💜💜💜