Being SINGLE

I am an honest to God, single, grown-ass adult woman. It is the first time in my LIFE than I can make this claim. This is the first time since I was a boy-crazy teenager, that I haven't had a boyfriend. I have no one to check in with, I have no one offering their affection, I have no one that I am showering with my affection. I am SINGLE. I am counting on MYSELF to get through my troubles and celebrating my joys with my kids and female friends. During the first year after my divorce I felt I needed someone constantly, I feared I would be alone forever, I didn't know how to go from married for twenty years to being alone. I had a transition period that involved one very close friend that I knew from childhood, and a couple of other people that I met and felt were important to me. Somehow, magically, when I hit my one year divorciversary on January 30, 2016, I felt an intense need to be unattached. I don't know if it's a burning desire to prove to myself I am a capable, independent, smart and confident woman, or if I am determined to get to know who I am and what I want before morphing into a version of what someone else expects me to be.

Here are some interesting things I discovered in that first year:

• I was a people pleaser. I didn't realize this...I thought I just agreed with things my husband wanted to do so we could spend time together...but quickly realized I found myself doing things with others and for others I didn't have interest in just to avoid conflict or to make them happy, even if I was miserable.
• I morphed into what the other person was...the ex was into weight lifting, so I became a gym rat with him. If he liked his eggs a certain way, that's how I ate them. If he liked certain music,  I started listening to it as well. If he didn't like someone, I in turn didn't like them (or at least didn't act like I did). I NEVER thought for myself. I didn't make my own decisions. I depended upon being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and never questioned why. I continued to act like this after the divorce and rarely made decisions without getting approval from a second party.
• I needed validation and wasn't getting it in my marriage. I questioned whether I was a good person or not. I knew I was an excellent mother, but I wasn't an excellent wife and felt I wasn't a very good friend either. My self esteem was rarely evident. I questioned my worth constantly. 
• I felt the only time I could be myself was when I was alone. I was always looking for some kind of escape. I couldn't stand for other people to see me in my family setting...I felt like a fraud.
• Even when I was alone, I was uncomfortable with myself.

All of these things have changed...drastically!  Yes, I've opened myself up to more genres of music now, but it's because I LIKE THEM. I listen to country and admit it, even if the person I'm with isn't a fan.  I eat my eggs however I'm in the mood for them. I make decisions to do things without checking for approval first (just notify my kids where I am). I see my counselor purely for the enjoyment of bouncing ideas off of her instead of fretting there is something wrong with my head. I go to movies and dinner by myself and enjoy it! I love being my own company. I don't seek validation from men or women. I love myself. I am an incredible person and IF AND WHEN the right man comes along, he will be blown away by me. That is NOT cockiness. I am finally confident. It wasn't anyone who instilled that in me, it was ME...I am enough. I am the example of Stuart Smalley in front of his mirror stating positive affirmations. I will not waste any more of my time questioning why, how, when and who will make me feel better. I did it. You need to do it on your own. And it helps to figure it out while you are SINGLE. 

Good luck if you still are getting there. You can do it. I believe in you. You ARE enough...if you aren't enough for someone else, that is not your problem. We always have something we can improve about ourselves, but it's not going to come solely in the form of physical attributes. It's your heart, your soul, and your head. It's how you think, what you feel and what you believe. Work on that. Then work on it some more. And the whole time you are working on it, be positive. Seek out beauty in the world. Focus on thing that are RIGHT in your world. Smile at people, compliment others, do good for other people. You will see things change right before your eyes. One day you will realize, just like I did suddenly, that you've made it. 

💜💜💜