It's liberating when you decide to be single (or when the decision is made for you and you willingly embrace it I guess?) I can't give myself all of the credit for just deciding to become single. I went through rejection again and AGAIN. I consciously ignored and pushed away people who could have been part of my life, and they did the same to me...so really it was a combined effort. They deserve credit too...but truly the decision to be at PEACE with it was mine. As I mentioned previously, I've had either an all-consuming crush, a boyfriend, a husband, or a male significant other since around the age of 14. I wasn't even allowed to date until I was 16, but that didn't keep me from becoming wrapped up with boys long before that.
Looking back on each fixation or relationship, I am now able to analyze the good and the bad experiences and how they shaped my thinking about myself and men in general. I'm not proud to say that I blamed a lot of bad things on men. I can truly say that I never trusted men, EVER, while growing up. I watched my parents marriage, and even though their 50th wedding anniversary is this May, it wasn't the model marriage for three daughters to learn about love and trust. I won't get into all of that, because this is about MY decision and how I messed up...not my parents or sisters marriages. Just know, that even though I wasn't exposed to the perfect union, I was free to form my own opinion and views, and I often chose wrong.
I believe there is more than one someone for each one of us out there. More than just "the one". In fact, I think there are several "soul mates" that we will recognize during our lives. Did we know these people before we were born, or maybe as some would question "from another life"? These are all much deeper and philosophical subjects than what I am willing to write about, so for now let's assume that the people we interact with during our lives were placed in our path for a reason deeper than we understand at this point in time. I've seen it play out in my own life, and if we are truly paying attention to the lessons we've already learned in life, many of you can relate to this. I am not trying to convince anyone that "everything happens for a reason". If that were the case, death, sickness and tragedy would be nothing more than a sick joke. What I believe, and is easier to accept, is there is a lesson to be learned from each experience we go through. These moments are the ones I look back on and understand "it happened for a reason" or "it was meant to be". You should, and will eventually, pick up the pieces and make the best of a tragedy and learn to overcome.
From what most of you know about me, you assume I am the least qualified to write about tragedy or loss or horrific life events. With the exception of war and military service and loss of life, I've been through more than I will ever share on a public blog. Things that should have ended my life and didn't. Situations that broke me but not my spirit. Many of the things I won't write about yet happened in the hands of men. I believed I had the right to hate men and began to believe I was nothing more than an object. My ex husband knew this, and while he desperately tried to help fix these issues, they eventually compounded into deeper trust issues with him...up until the grand finale of our twenty year marriage ending in infidelity and divorce. One cynical view would be "I was right" and continue on mistrusting men. I choose NOT to live the remainder of my life this way. I'm taking credit for my part in feeding into this myth that men can't be trusted. I'll put this out there for what it's worth...IF YOU DONT TRUST YOURSELF, YOU WILL NEVER TRUST ANYONE ELSE.
This is where my trust issue came from. I was ill-equipped in the trust department. I had already made poor choices. I continued to make poor choices. I had to stop making poor choices at some point. Choices become patterns and patterns become habits. Bad habits are heard to break. I have learned through painful processes to not only trust myself, but to love myself and acknowledge that I am the one person who I can depend on to get me through anything in my life. It is because I can trust myself with that task that I can now trust others. This wasn't an overnight epiphany. This journey has been 42 years in the making, but the clarity did appear overnight. There was a vivid moment of realization that my journey through hell was over.
I have friends right now going through similar relationship difficulties that I've experienced, and as much as I want to jump in and tell them what they need to do, I remember that each of us have a different path in life to take. Your answers are already inside you. Your road maps, your life GPS, is waiting to give you directions...you just have to decide where you are going to go. Your free will can take you on endless detours that might be pleasant or painful. It's all up to you. But whatever choices you decide to make, be willing and able to take accountability for them. There is nothing worse than blaming others for your situation. Be responsible, learn to trust yourself, and you will learn to enjoy the journey so much more.
I have many friends, my counselor and a few people from churches that I thank for their contributions to my journey. I would say thank you, but the chances they are reading this are slim, and if you are reading it, the chances you know how much you've helped me are even slimmer. THANK YOU
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