Within reason, my life motto is "I'll try anything once". I've put myself out there once again. In the public eye, up on stage no less. I entered the room with intentions of being a spectator, then the voice inside whispered "what do you have to lose?" It was a valid question. I really didn't have anything to lose by being a poetry slammer for the night. I had one in my purse ready to read. Then I found out after signing up there was a two poem minimum, maybe even three. So I sat down and started writing another one. I found out I write lyrics, not poetry. Everything rhymes in my world, and is written to a beat. Most of the time I can write a complete song but have no idea the melody that should accompany it.
This is just like my life. I'm missing my melody. The something that makes my simple poems into extraordinary symphonic pieces. Tuesday night I attended my daughters orchestra concert. Meridian Middle and Meridian High School orchestras both performed. I sat near the back, alone, and listened to the melodies. Tonight is my son's last middle school choir concert. Next year he will be in the high school jazz choir. I'm so glad music is integrated in my life and my children are grasping on to it as well. Music seems to help fix a lot of broken pieces of my soul.
While waiting for the poetry slam to begin, I wrote a quick piece about divorce. I also wrote a haiku (used to break the tie at the end of the contest actually). I read my poem I came prepared with, and advanced to the second round. Then, after reading the poem I had just written 20 minutes before, and one of my previous blog entries, I found out I was a tied for 2nd place. Crazy. Judges voted. Two votes for me, three for John, so I ended up in third place. I'd never been to a poetry slam. Apparently newbies don't just walk in and perform and then finish in the top three either. It was fun...I earned a point to go to towards nationals if I want to keep doing this on a regular basis.
Writing words is more enjoyable to me than reading them to an audience. I write very personal things. My feelings are unapologetic. Sometimes there's anger, usually there is a glimmer of hope but always there is truth. I think because of this, I appear to be an open book and willing to share other parts of myself with people. This is just not the case. Someone at the slam took a liking to me. Very genuine, complimentary but not creepy and seemed like a genuinely nice guy. I was surprised though. While there seemed to be some attraction, there was absolutely no spark. Not on my part anyway. I have since received numerous texts from this person since Sunday night, and I need to know how to get the point across..."listen, it was nice meeting you, but..." As much as I hate being alone, I would rather wait for the time to be able to spend it with the right person. I guess I'm not looking for Mr. Right Now. I've been told I need to open up and give myself and others a chance. Well, guess what? I am pretty much an open book. I'm just very selective on who gets to read the whole novel.
My heart is healing, but my head is still a mess with so many things going on with my kids, the X, and court coming up, etc... I am anxious to fast forward a few years, or even a few months, and see where I will be. I'd be happy with just a glimpse into the future. I'm trying to find my way in life still. I feel like I will be discovering myself right along with my 18 and 20 year old daughters. When the timing is right, I am trusting that everything will eventually fall into place. Until then, I will consider continuing to slam things...mainly stories and poetry. I will also continue to try new things at least once. Twice if I liked it the first time, and a third time just to make sure.
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