HEADCASE - Interview and Answers: Session 1

You know, I write this blog for my own benefit. It's a diary of how I am feeling, my thoughts and plans for the future and how to accomplish my goals. During this process, I am treating you all to a glimpse of what conversations in my head with myself look like. I can only image that at times you all just roll your eyes and shake your head. Maybe you laugh at me, or with me. Someday you may cry with me too. Hopefully you all will understand the insane thoughts that divorce causes. Doubts about your own sanity and ability to move on with your own life, considering also if you have children, you are responsible for helping them move on as well. So here you go, today's glimpse inside the headcase also known as Linda Wallace.

CONFLICT A  Battling Negativity

Why do we spend so much time dwelling on the past and thinking of everything that has gone wrong over the past hour, day, week, year, decade? Why do we focus solely on the areas of life that are lacking? Seriously, why do we focus SO MUCH on what is wrong in our lives? Money, job, relationship, friends, family.  This is just a sampling of what I seem to worry about the most. In all of those areas I mentioned I feel like I am MISSING SOMETHING.

1. Money: (or lack thereof) I don't ever feel like I will ever have enough to live any other way than barely paycheck to paycheck
2. Job: I've done basically the same thing in dentistry for 20 years with no retirement benefits. I'm getting antsy for a career change...unfortunately this may lead to a cut in pay if I change industries (see #1 concern)
3. Relationship: (or lack thereof) I am missing an integral part of my life. Closeness with someone of the opposite sex. I am getting tired of doing things alone or with girlfriends. But I also am not willing to jump into something just to avoid being lonely...so, yeah, not much going to be changing here.
4. Friends: I don't feel like a very good one because I am always wrapped up in my own problems instead of spending my energy being a good friend to someone who needs it. This is certainly a big red flag for beginning a relationship (see #3 concern)
5. Family: I worry about my kids emotional and mental health because of the recent influx of stress in their lives. I know I am doing my part keeping them housed, clothed and fed, I just hope that is enough for the time being until we can all get the counseling we need.

So, what now? Do I accept this for what it is and pull up my big girl panties and trudge on with a shitty attitude and become "one of those" bitter divorcees? Oh hell no. I refuse to let this get the best of me. I have spent nearly every one of my waking (and most sleeping) hours dwelling on the top three of my five items listed above. I have come to the conclusion that everyone needs a plan. An immediate plan, a short term plan and a long term plan. It would be great to have all three of these for each item. I'm working on that. Here is what I have so far.

Money

1. immediate: stop spending unnecessarily. Set a budget and stick with it
2. short term: look for things to sell, put at least $25 per paycheck in savings
3. long term: get bills paid off using the debt snowball (see Dave Ramsey) and pay cash for everything with no debt

Job

1. immediate: be grateful that I have one. Many people don't. Stop complaining about working and change my attitude so that I can be more productive and happy while at work!
2. short term: start looking for opportunities in industries that interest me. (Airline, travel, blogging, writing, performing- notice, none of these are huge money makers)
3. long term: since I will have all my debt paid off in the long term, I will be able to take a job that makes less money because I won't have as many bills!

Relationship

1. immediate: ? I guess keep doing what I'm doing
2. short term: ?
3. long term: ? I hope I end up with someone who loves me as much as I love them and we live happily ever after.  It's worth waiting for. I don't plan on rushing this one.

Friends

1. immediate: I need to make sure to touch base with my friends, especially the ones I know are struggling just like me. 
2. short term: Make a plan to go do something with a friend at least once a week. Doesn't have to cost. A walk, bike ride or just sit and chat over coffee.
3. long term: Make bigger plans with friends. Short trips away from our worries, longer trips away with kids to start making lasting memories.

Family

1. immediate: hug more. talk more. spend more face time together and less time in separate rooms
2. short term: family counseling session to get things off chest that aren't coming out in conversation
3. long term: bonding activities and planning (and taking) a family vacation together

CONFLICT B Self Image Issues

Am I crazy, Am I fat, Am I lazy, Am I a failure, Am I immature, Am I embarrassing to my kids, Am I depressed, Am I anxious? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? Wow, that was just an explosion of a lot of stuff over TWENTY YEARS of marriage that I had convinced myself that the answer was always going to be YES.  I am slowly curing myself from the mindf*@#ing that occurred, and reprogramming my inner psyche to be more kind to myself. I will answer each of these concerns one at a time so I can reiterate to myself some very important points.

Am I crazy?: I hope I am. Just a little bit. Not in a bad way. Aren't we all a little "off"? I'll use mine for good.

Am I fat?: Who gets to define FAT? Do I have extra weight? Yes. Am I healthy? Yes. Does my size bother me? Some days yes, and some days no. So, I'm working on it. I want to tighten the things that jiggle, and smooth the things that are lumpy and see definition in the parts that don't have much any more. I think these are good goals. When I carry myself with confidence and feel good about myself, I will be beautiful. If you don't find me beautiful, then I guess I'm lucky you and I are not together. 

Am I lazy?: Sometimes. When I think not doing anything will benefit me more than doing something unproductive. It's okay some mornings to sleep in til 10 am, or go to bed at 8 pm. I think its okay to put off chores for a day or two. For weeks on end? NO. Do I always get my work done? YES. Do I find it easier to get up and get going if I give myself a reward? YES!  And, I have learned that ALL REWARDS will be calorie free.

Am I a failure?: This is just a flat out NO. Have things in my life failed? YES. But those do not define ME.

Am I immature?: Sometimes, in some areas. But the more I go through, and the more experiences I have, I am learning what it is to handle things as an adult, especially since I don't have anyone to take care of them for me.

Am I embarrassing to my kids?: Why did I worry about this so much? I don't care if I embarrass them or not, as long as what I am doing is RIGHT. Have I made mistakes in the past that might have caused embarrassment to my kids? Probably so, but I also talk to them and set things straight. NO, I will not cause a disturbance or be a drunk in front of them or their friends. YES, I will raise my voice if needed to correct their behavior even if friends are present, but only when it's REALLY NEEDED and can't wait. And I will continue to sing along to the radio in my car even if their friends are present.  Get over it kids. You think it's funny when other moms do it, so let me :) I don't need to be my kids friend right now. I'm a parent. Friendships develop after I have done my all parenting them. 

Am I depressed?: Sometimes, but then again, who isn't? I am learning how to get myself out of pity moods and can change this usually within a day, if not less. So I am not going to worry about this one any more. 

Am I anxious?: Yes, still this one gets to me. I worry over the future. I worry about the present. I second guess some of my decisions as to whether they are the best ones I can make. BUT, I'm not letting this get a hold on me. I wrap up the problem as soon as possible (or I blog about it) and I move on. Anxiety GONE.

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL?  Who would want to be "normal".  I remember in sixth grade at Farmin Elementary in Mrs. Berry's class, I had sticker paper that I made my own stickers on. I put them on all of my notebooks and I passed them out to my friends. I wish I still had those stickers. There was a very simple saying on them, and I believed this then and still do now.  "WEIRD IS BETTER".  I don't want to be normal. Normal is boring. I want to be remembered. I want to make a difference. I want to be ME and I am in no way "normal". Chances are, if you and I are friends, I think you are a little weird too. And that is a compliment. You're welcome.

SO...that was the journey into my head today.  Question and answer session with self is complete. Maybe you feel better about yourself now!