'Twas the night before birthday...

Twas the night before birthday and all through the house
Laundry was washing, uniform pants and a blouse
The towels were all folded and stacked with great care
Underwear and socks piled up on the chair

The birthday girl (me) sprawled across my king bed
While memories of the past year ran through my head
While Liz in her Jammie's and Danny in shorts
Were finishing homework and writing reports

When straight from my cell phone arose a great noise
I turned and retrieved it expecting great joys
Alas it was nothing more than a new email chime
I dropped the phone down and resigned to bedtime

I stood up to close the blinds for the night
But froze in my steps at the beautiful sight
The last bit of sun on the horizons expanse
Demanded attention not just a quick glance

I stood and I stared at the beautify sky
And choked back the tears welling up in my eye
Another day gone, not just any day
The last day of the year before my birthday

My children, new friends
A Job that I love
My health, my home
So much I'm proud of
From the start of the day
To the end of the night
I give thanks and pray that
I keep up the good fight

As dry leaves before the wild hurricane breeze
When met with obstacles, we drop to our knees
So down I went to give thanks and request
Courage and comfort and plenty of rest

And then in a moment I felt in my soul
The peaceful feeling I had as my goal
As I stood from my prayer and got into bed
I thought about my exciting new year ahead

I was covered in shivers from my head to my toe
As I acknowledged My Trials are how I will grow
The weight of the world I carried with me
Felt lifted, a bit lighter, I can be free

My eyes, how they twinkled!  My dimple, how merry!
My cheeks were rosy the color of cherries
My smile was genuine and quick
And I flashed my grin with a lick of my lips.

I spoke not a word but went straight to work
Writing this poem trying not to smirk
At last I was done, took a deep breath of air
Closed out the blog, hit save and then share.

I sprang to my feet, brushed my teeth and my hair
Climbed back into bed without a worry or care
In my heart I felt calm, everything was alright
Happy birthday to me I thought and to you a goodnight.

Wandering Minds (50th post)

February 8, 2015 I published my first blog post. Today on July 30, 2016 this will be my 50th. I've had a lot to say, but I was mostly just scratching at the surface of the real underlying issues in many of my wordy ramblings. I write to clear my own head. I don't write to gain followers or create a fan base. I don't even write to help other people out. Someday, maybe, that will be a goal...right now it's for me...and for those of you reading this, you probably won't understand unless you've been in my shoes, or can read my wandering mind

I sent a catty text to the ex yesterday congratulating him and his girlfriend on their two year anniversary. He flew out to meet her for the first time two years ago this week. I wasn't proud of myself after sending it. It was a stupid jab at him that made me realize I'm still holding a lot of anger towards the situation. Two years later and he's still with the same person he cheated on me with and I am not in a relationship like that. I've had a couple of people in and out of my life, and I keep telling myself I don't want to get into anything serious until my kids are out of school...I'm trying to avoid creating any more turmoil in their world. At least that's the excuse I've been using. However, right now, as I try to open myself up to a new relationship, I feel I will still somehow ruin it.

I've been told I talk too much and I'm too loud. I've heard this since grade school. This isn't news to me. But when you hear it again from someone you care about and realize how annoying you can be to them, it hurts. My friends already know this about me...sometimes I am funny, sometimes I am embarrassing, I mean well, and a good majority of the time I am nothing but positive energy. However, when something comes up that reminds you of the crap you were fed from your ex husband for 20 years, it hurts...a lot. I've tried to change. I've tried to think before I speak. I've tried to stay quiet and let things go. It works for some things, but not for everything. I feel the need to explain, and give history, and defend myself, and then fill in details and more history until I have completely exhausted everyone around me. There's a fine line between standing up for yourself and trying to convince someone else of your worth. I have crossed that line in the past and I don't want to do it again. I have also realized that just because I talk a lot, that doesn't make me an expert communicator.

So one of the big huge changes I'm going to make is to be a better listener and talk less. No interrupting, no finishing sentences, no jumping to conclusions. I'm also trying not to swear. Lofty goals...I know. My first fifty posts were pretty ridiculous if you ask me...I've now re-read all of them and I'm embarrassed how much I put out here, and what a mess I went through. As for the next fifty posts? I'm looking forward to seeing growth, maturity, more self respect and less scratching at the surface.

And where my mind wanders to? That is where my heart is. It's risky, but it's worth it...and so am I.

A Better Place and a Healed Heart - a very simple post 🎶

I've listened to a LOT of Pandora lately. I listen to it falling asleep, throughout my day, in hotels on overnights away from home, biking, working out, absolutely any time I can. Looking back, music has always been important to me. I began playing piano around age 4, then started playing the flute in elementary school and played flute and percussion instruments through college. I also sang in performing choir and continued singing in college. I originally majored in music with the intention of becoming a middle school band director (thank you Mr Walton for making it look like a glamorous career) but never finished. I never, ever lost my passion for music though. In fact, it has only intensified.

There are few people who really understand me...but the ones who do completely relate to my obsession with music. My friend Michelle and I went to too many concerts last year to count, and I went to even more without her. I have another friend who I can message "guess what I am thinking right now" and the answer has evolved to always come back with song lyrics. Even as I'm writing this, I am listening to lyrics that make my heart happy and bring a smile to my face.

I am convinced I was born with a musical force field around me. My feelings are triggered by melodies, both familiar and new, and are awakened to a level of alertness that can't be explained. I fall in love with songs and people in the same way...I feel something from them. I am a passionate person...often I am worried I am too much for people to handle...but not for the right person. When that person comes along, I know they will understand me, accept me for who I am and fall in love with my soul just like their favorite music. I am in such a better place than this time last year. My heart has definitely healed. The world is a better place with a melody, with lyrics, and with love. I can truly relate to the song below. 💛

Uncertain Future~a perfect Sunday thought

There has been so much on my mind lately, and an unbelievable amount of things in my life have occurred. Since my last entry, my life has drastically changed. It was less than three months ago when I ranted about "not being strong anymore". I was so done putting on my brave face. Then I resigned to just hand everything over to God and let my life take shape as it should. I realized I was interfering too much in my own life. 

I don't get religious too often for a reason...but this bible verse completely jumped out at me today and I absolutely have to honor that. 

Over the past few months, I have had a complete change of heart in what I want my future to look like. It looks so different than when I first got divorced. I have met an incredible group of people that I'm so proud to call my friends and coworkers and work family. I've made connections that I am positive will be life long. These people were brought into my life for a reason, and I was brought into their lives for a reason too. My nickname during ground school was "Momma Linda", and I really do care about these people. 

The more I relax about my own future and just let things unfold, I am noticing the struggles that others are going through. Relationship issues, personal struggles, financial problems, depression...the list goes on and on. I hope that I have the words of encouragement that lift them up or help them find the help they need to work on the issues themselves.

Then there is my best friend...I absolutely believe God blessed me with her because she is the only person that can handle me, understand me, sympathize with me, identify my needs and completely anticipate my moods and reactions to the events life throws at me. 

God really is watching out for me. I have had people brought into my life that have absolutely changed me. I have had more passion, drive, happiness, sense of accomplishment and pride in myself than I have EVER experienced in my life. My children have seen my true self emerge. I am trying to balance that with helping them understand this is a process they will be going through as well someday. I really do believe this is what "finding yourself" looks like. 

This week my oldest daughter turns 21, my ex husband and his girlfriend are visiting from Minnesota and the kids will meet her, I will be traveling as much as possible (to mostly avoid that), and I will be in one of the happiest phases in my life. I am cautiously optimistic however, because it seems like when everything is going so well, there will always be something that creeps in and tries to steal your joy and happiness, tries to break you, tries to bring you down. I have to remember that God is watching out for me. He knows what is in my best interest. Hard times put the shine into the diamond (Dierks Bentley~Riser). And I plan on shining bright for a long time.

I'm Done Being Strong

I hit a wall today. The last few days, no weeks, okay actually the last several months have been incredibly difficult and I have not reached out for any help and I've tried not to complain. I focus on all of the good things happening in my life. I am grateful for all the positives...good health, great children, enough money to barely pay the bills, a new job with great health insurance coming up, and endless blessings I have. I have no right to complain. But sometimes I get tired of being Pollyanna, always playing the Glad Game. 

I was married for 20 years. Obviously it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, or we would still be together...but more often than not, we were there for each other. He has moved on and straight into another situation where he has someone caring for him again. I do not. I have not. Dating here and there is completely different that being committed to someone, and having someone to look out for you. Someone to help me with car troubles. Someone to go car shopping with because one has broken down and another one is about to. Someone to notice and pick up on little things I've commented on and show me they care about me. I miss that. A LOT. And I know I'm not ready for that, because I could have had it and I pushed it away. I want to be fine by myself. I want to be there for my kids and make them priority, not some other person in my life. It might be different if my situation was different, but these kids are with me 100%. They are my priority. 

As I start this new journey and new career, I have worried that I'm being judged by others as being selfish for pursuing my dream of being a flight attendant, that somehow I won't be a good mom anymore. That I have put my dreams ahead of the needs of my kids. To those of you who have thought that...are you KIDDING me? I am busting my ass to get into a career field that will provide exceptional medical, dental and vision and countless other benefits for my family and can get them off of Medicaid. I worked in dental 20 years and could never offer insurance to my kids. Thankfully they have always been covered under their dad...until he lost his job and moved out of state, and that left ME to figure out how to take care of them 100%. Sure, I've sounded excited, and looked excited, and posted exciting things about this new career...but it is going to be hard work, long hours, and not the least bit glamorous at the bottom of the seniority pool. I have to leave my children for an entire month for training, when I've never been away from them longer than 8 days. I am making sacrifices so I can take care of them better. I'm trying to do something I love for work so that I can remain in the position long term and have security for the future. I can not count on some other man's money or retirement to come in to play. I have to be prepared to do this myself for the long haul. And that scares the hell out of me.

So, as this journey is about to start...I am only putting on the brave face for my kids. I only care about what they are feeling and concerned with. I am done playing strong and brave faced for everyone else. I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm excited, but most importantly, I am just doing the best I can to be successful and work hard and raise great kids.

42 years in the making...

It's liberating when you decide to be single (or when the decision is made for you and you willingly embrace it I guess?) I can't give myself all of the credit for just deciding to become single. I went through rejection again and AGAIN. I consciously ignored and pushed away people who could have been part of my life, and they did the same to me...so really it was a combined effort. They deserve credit too...but truly the decision to be at PEACE with it was mine. As I mentioned previously, I've had either an all-consuming crush, a boyfriend, a husband, or a male significant other since around the age of 14. I wasn't even allowed to date until I was 16, but that didn't keep me from becoming wrapped up with boys long before that. 

Looking back on each fixation or relationship, I am now able to analyze the good and the bad experiences and how they shaped my thinking about myself and men in general. I'm not proud to say that I blamed a lot of bad things on men. I can truly say that I never trusted men, EVER, while growing up. I watched my parents marriage, and even though their 50th wedding anniversary is this May, it wasn't the model marriage for three daughters to learn about love and trust. I won't get into all of that, because this is about MY decision and how I messed up...not my parents or sisters marriages. Just know, that even though I wasn't exposed to the perfect union, I was free to form my own opinion and views, and I often chose wrong. 

I believe there is more than one someone for each one of us out there. More than just "the one". In fact, I think there are several "soul mates" that we will recognize during our lives. Did we know these people before we were born, or maybe as some would question "from another life"? These are all much deeper and philosophical subjects than what I am willing to write about, so for now let's assume that the people we interact with during our lives were placed in our path for a reason deeper than we understand at this point in time. I've seen it play out in my own life, and if we are truly paying attention to the lessons we've already learned in life, many of you can relate to this. I am not trying to convince anyone that "everything happens for a reason". If that were the case, death, sickness and tragedy would be nothing more than a sick joke. What I believe, and is easier to accept, is there is a lesson to be learned from each experience we go through. These moments are the ones I look back on and understand "it happened for a reason" or "it was meant to be". You should, and will eventually, pick up the pieces and make the best of a tragedy and learn to overcome.

From what most of you know about me, you assume I am the least qualified to write about tragedy or loss or horrific life events. With the exception of war and military service and loss of life, I've been through more than I will ever share on a public blog. Things that should have ended my life and didn't. Situations that broke me but not my spirit. Many of the things I won't write about yet happened in the hands of men. I believed I had the right to hate men and began to believe I was nothing more than an object. My ex husband knew this, and while he desperately tried to help fix these issues, they eventually compounded into deeper trust issues with him...up until the grand finale of our twenty year marriage ending in infidelity and divorce. One cynical view would be "I was right" and continue on mistrusting men. I choose NOT to live the remainder of my life this way. I'm taking credit for my part in feeding into this myth that men can't be trusted. I'll put this out there for what it's worth...IF YOU DONT TRUST YOURSELF, YOU WILL NEVER TRUST ANYONE ELSE. 

This is where my trust issue came from. I was ill-equipped in the trust department. I had already made poor choices. I continued to make poor choices. I had to stop making poor choices at some point. Choices become patterns and patterns become habits. Bad habits are heard to break. I have learned through painful processes to not only trust myself, but to love myself and acknowledge that I am the one person who I can depend on to get me through anything in my life. It is because I can trust myself with that task that I can now trust others. This wasn't an overnight epiphany. This journey has been 42 years in the making, but the clarity did appear overnight. There was a vivid moment of realization that my journey through hell was over. 

I have friends right now going through similar relationship difficulties that I've experienced, and as much as I want to jump in and tell them what they need to do, I remember that each of us have a different path in life to take. Your answers are already inside you. Your road maps, your life GPS, is waiting to give you directions...you just have to decide where you are going to go. Your free will can take you on endless detours that might be pleasant or painful. It's all up to you. But whatever choices you decide to make, be willing and able to take accountability for them. There is nothing worse than blaming others for your situation. Be responsible, learn to trust yourself, and you will learn to enjoy the journey so much more.

I have many friends, my counselor and a few people from churches that I thank for their contributions to my journey. I would say thank you, but the chances they are reading this are slim, and if you are reading it, the chances you know how much you've helped me are even slimmer. THANK YOU

Being SINGLE

I am an honest to God, single, grown-ass adult woman. It is the first time in my LIFE than I can make this claim. This is the first time since I was a boy-crazy teenager, that I haven't had a boyfriend. I have no one to check in with, I have no one offering their affection, I have no one that I am showering with my affection. I am SINGLE. I am counting on MYSELF to get through my troubles and celebrating my joys with my kids and female friends. During the first year after my divorce I felt I needed someone constantly, I feared I would be alone forever, I didn't know how to go from married for twenty years to being alone. I had a transition period that involved one very close friend that I knew from childhood, and a couple of other people that I met and felt were important to me. Somehow, magically, when I hit my one year divorciversary on January 30, 2016, I felt an intense need to be unattached. I don't know if it's a burning desire to prove to myself I am a capable, independent, smart and confident woman, or if I am determined to get to know who I am and what I want before morphing into a version of what someone else expects me to be.

Here are some interesting things I discovered in that first year:

• I was a people pleaser. I didn't realize this...I thought I just agreed with things my husband wanted to do so we could spend time together...but quickly realized I found myself doing things with others and for others I didn't have interest in just to avoid conflict or to make them happy, even if I was miserable.
• I morphed into what the other person was...the ex was into weight lifting, so I became a gym rat with him. If he liked his eggs a certain way, that's how I ate them. If he liked certain music,  I started listening to it as well. If he didn't like someone, I in turn didn't like them (or at least didn't act like I did). I NEVER thought for myself. I didn't make my own decisions. I depended upon being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and never questioned why. I continued to act like this after the divorce and rarely made decisions without getting approval from a second party.
• I needed validation and wasn't getting it in my marriage. I questioned whether I was a good person or not. I knew I was an excellent mother, but I wasn't an excellent wife and felt I wasn't a very good friend either. My self esteem was rarely evident. I questioned my worth constantly. 
• I felt the only time I could be myself was when I was alone. I was always looking for some kind of escape. I couldn't stand for other people to see me in my family setting...I felt like a fraud.
• Even when I was alone, I was uncomfortable with myself.

All of these things have changed...drastically!  Yes, I've opened myself up to more genres of music now, but it's because I LIKE THEM. I listen to country and admit it, even if the person I'm with isn't a fan.  I eat my eggs however I'm in the mood for them. I make decisions to do things without checking for approval first (just notify my kids where I am). I see my counselor purely for the enjoyment of bouncing ideas off of her instead of fretting there is something wrong with my head. I go to movies and dinner by myself and enjoy it! I love being my own company. I don't seek validation from men or women. I love myself. I am an incredible person and IF AND WHEN the right man comes along, he will be blown away by me. That is NOT cockiness. I am finally confident. It wasn't anyone who instilled that in me, it was ME...I am enough. I am the example of Stuart Smalley in front of his mirror stating positive affirmations. I will not waste any more of my time questioning why, how, when and who will make me feel better. I did it. You need to do it on your own. And it helps to figure it out while you are SINGLE. 

Good luck if you still are getting there. You can do it. I believe in you. You ARE enough...if you aren't enough for someone else, that is not your problem. We always have something we can improve about ourselves, but it's not going to come solely in the form of physical attributes. It's your heart, your soul, and your head. It's how you think, what you feel and what you believe. Work on that. Then work on it some more. And the whole time you are working on it, be positive. Seek out beauty in the world. Focus on thing that are RIGHT in your world. Smile at people, compliment others, do good for other people. You will see things change right before your eyes. One day you will realize, just like I did suddenly, that you've made it. 

💜💜💜

GHOSTS and DEMONS

There is a common belief that demons are fallen angels and ghosts are dead humans. This theory is the core of difference between the ghosts and demons. Demons do not have earthly origin and hence they are considered to possess stronger powers than ghosts. But, why is it so that the ghosts are not as powerful as the demons? It certainly depends on what one believes. Demons are considered as fallen angels and hence their power is expected to be higher than the average ghosts or dead human.

Depending on your beliefs regarding this, one might also be sensitive to the fact that you carry ghosts from your past along with you into new relationships and new experiences. You let them cloud and distort your views of not only the present, but also the future. Worse than the ghosts from your past, you carry Demons that dictate your behavior and your judgement.

Ok, this all sounds a little spooky right? But if you don't think of it in a halloween or wicked witch sort of way, and think of these ghosts and demons as your emotional baggage, it's just a way to name them and deal with them. Everybody has their past. Everyone has their tragedies and triumphs. Everyone carries guilt, anger or shame that is hidden away and locked up tight. The healthy ones have been through counseling and have learned to let it out. Too many still believe if they keep their ghosts and demons hidden they will never escape to cause problems. How very, very wrong they are.

Through any life change, there will be elements of your past that continue into the present. The trick is to try to allow only the ones that will enhance or enrich your life from this point forward. This goes for people, objects, relationships, memories, etc. If you allow the demons, or the issues you fought so hard to rid yourself of, a place to comfortably reside in your present, the future will be full of anxiety, worry and ghosts.

Get rid of the things, people, situations and toxins from your past. Give yourself an opportunity to free yourself from the chains and start living again. 

Totally achievable goal...BETTER DAYS!

So, here is my 2016 New Years post. I hope to look back at this page in 366 days and be amazed at myself. Yes, 366 days! It's leap year. We get an extra day this year to make up for the last four years we messed up on. Who knows? That one extra day could be the turning point or make a complete difference in your life! My goal is to make EVERY day this year a BETTER DAY. 

RESOLUTIONS

1) Work on my independence...be comfortable spending time alone. Show love, not loneliness.

2) Dance more...for fun, for exercise, while doing housework, while grocery shopping. Dance for the pure joy of feeling the music and being happy in the moment.

3) Show and Tell my children I love them. Hug and kiss my kids more...the older they get, the harder it is to connect with them in that way.

4) Listen more, talk less.

5) Take my children on a memorable family vacation...

6) Travel with friends/family and share experiences instead of buying gifts for birthdays and holidays

7) Live within a set budget and pay cash for everything (Dave Ramsey)

8) Make taking care of my body a priority...exercise to feel better, not to look better. That will happen along the way without stressing over it. 

9) Work on the person I want to be, Forgive the person I was, and Love the person I AM. 

10) Be the reason someone else smiles EVERY DAY. Create happiness daily, for myself and others.

Here's hoping all of your days in 2016 continue to be BETTER DAYS...

Better Days

1. By Goo Goo Dolls

   And you asked me what I want this year
   And I try to make this kind and clear
   Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
   'Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
   And designer love and empty things
   Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

   [Chorus]
   So take these words and sing out loud
   'Cause everyone is forgiven now
   'Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

   I need some place simple where we could live
   And something only you can give
   And that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
   And the one poor child who saved this world
   And there's ten million more who probably could
   If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

   [Chorus]

   I wish everyone was loved tonight
   And somehow stop this endless fight
   Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

   [Chorus]

   'Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

   Songwriters: JOHN RZEZNIK

   © BMG RIGHTS MANAGEMENT US, LLC

   For non-commercial use only.

   Data from: LyricFin