GHOSTS and DEMONS

There is a common belief that demons are fallen angels and ghosts are dead humans. This theory is the core of difference between the ghosts and demons. Demons do not have earthly origin and hence they are considered to possess stronger powers than ghosts. But, why is it so that the ghosts are not as powerful as the demons? It certainly depends on what one believes. Demons are considered as fallen angels and hence their power is expected to be higher than the average ghosts or dead human.

Depending on your beliefs regarding this, one might also be sensitive to the fact that you carry ghosts from your past along with you into new relationships and new experiences. You let them cloud and distort your views of not only the present, but also the future. Worse than the ghosts from your past, you carry Demons that dictate your behavior and your judgement.

Ok, this all sounds a little spooky right? But if you don't think of it in a halloween or wicked witch sort of way, and think of these ghosts and demons as your emotional baggage, it's just a way to name them and deal with them. Everybody has their past. Everyone has their tragedies and triumphs. Everyone carries guilt, anger or shame that is hidden away and locked up tight. The healthy ones have been through counseling and have learned to let it out. Too many still believe if they keep their ghosts and demons hidden they will never escape to cause problems. How very, very wrong they are.

Through any life change, there will be elements of your past that continue into the present. The trick is to try to allow only the ones that will enhance or enrich your life from this point forward. This goes for people, objects, relationships, memories, etc. If you allow the demons, or the issues you fought so hard to rid yourself of, a place to comfortably reside in your present, the future will be full of anxiety, worry and ghosts.

Get rid of the things, people, situations and toxins from your past. Give yourself an opportunity to free yourself from the chains and start living again. 

Totally achievable goal...BETTER DAYS!

So, here is my 2016 New Years post. I hope to look back at this page in 366 days and be amazed at myself. Yes, 366 days! It's leap year. We get an extra day this year to make up for the last four years we messed up on. Who knows? That one extra day could be the turning point or make a complete difference in your life! My goal is to make EVERY day this year a BETTER DAY. 

RESOLUTIONS

1) Work on my independence...be comfortable spending time alone. Show love, not loneliness.

2) Dance more...for fun, for exercise, while doing housework, while grocery shopping. Dance for the pure joy of feeling the music and being happy in the moment.

3) Show and Tell my children I love them. Hug and kiss my kids more...the older they get, the harder it is to connect with them in that way.

4) Listen more, talk less.

5) Take my children on a memorable family vacation...

6) Travel with friends/family and share experiences instead of buying gifts for birthdays and holidays

7) Live within a set budget and pay cash for everything (Dave Ramsey)

8) Make taking care of my body a priority...exercise to feel better, not to look better. That will happen along the way without stressing over it. 

9) Work on the person I want to be, Forgive the person I was, and Love the person I AM. 

10) Be the reason someone else smiles EVERY DAY. Create happiness daily, for myself and others.

Here's hoping all of your days in 2016 continue to be BETTER DAYS...

Better Days

1. By Goo Goo Dolls

   And you asked me what I want this year
   And I try to make this kind and clear
   Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
   'Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
   And designer love and empty things
   Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

   [Chorus]
   So take these words and sing out loud
   'Cause everyone is forgiven now
   'Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

   I need some place simple where we could live
   And something only you can give
   And that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
   And the one poor child who saved this world
   And there's ten million more who probably could
   If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

   [Chorus]

   I wish everyone was loved tonight
   And somehow stop this endless fight
   Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

   [Chorus]

   'Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

   Songwriters: JOHN RZEZNIK

   © BMG RIGHTS MANAGEMENT US, LLC

   For non-commercial use only.

   Data from: LyricFin

THE BEST GIFT

It has been a long time since my last heartfelt blog. I've started and deleted no less than ten entries between the last one in November and now. Many life altering events have happened, and I believe I'm in the midst of yet another one. I feel like I've suddenly become this self righteous female that is on a truth crusade. I'm fighting all injustices regarding emotions, friendships, love and honesty.  This is not my battle to fight for anyone else besides me though. Why can't I just let others be, and conserve my energy for those who I don't need to fight for?

Example... My youngest daughter. There were some issues with her posting on social media things that were inappropriate and untrue. Solution...she got called out on it. There were big discussions about consequences from many different angles. She lost her devices, closed accounts, has much more adult supervision and hopefully understands the reasons behind the big changes in her life.  This was worth fighting for. This was hopefully a life lesson she will always carry with her. I hope she chooses honesty and self respect in the future...sure, there will be bumps in the road ahead, there always are...but for the majority of the decisions she makes, I want her to have honesty instilled as one of her values. This is a parenting job, a lesson to also be taught by example, and one that I will fight for EVERY TIME. 

You know what else is worth fighting for? YOU. Yourself. Your own self respect, your heart, your values and integrity. Don't allow others to belittle you, to take away your faith and trust in mankind, to treat you with less respect than you deserve. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated, to be lied to, or to be used for a way to pass time until the next best thing comes along. 

I have always been a people pleaser. This started in junior high, continued throughout high school, perfected in college, and then learned in marriage to tiptoe on eggshells and keep the peace for the children we were raising. After our divorce, and lots of counseling, I began to recognize how little I valued myself. I have spent the last year focusing on surrounding myself with individuals that I have been able to have candidly open and honest conversations with. I think it's easy to do when people are sharing negativity, ranting about divorce, or trying to form bonds with someone new. I always assumed what I was hearing was the truth, because I knew I was telling the truth. Looking back on it, I think I was fed a lot of bull. I'm getting better at connecting with my intuition and BS detector, and am genuinely starting to question my core group of acquaintances. 

I've learned that I am an open book.  I will tell you the truth about 100% of my life. If I don't have a strong connection with you, I may not share certain aspects with you, but I won't lie to you about them either. I will just withhold personal details until I feel I can trust you. I've also learned that I genuinely want to trust everyone. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I assume there is no motive to hurt me, because you are an adult and have the same values as I do. I am in no way claiming to be perfect. I have not always been honest. I have not always been faithful. But I did go through some heart wrenching times during my marriage that completely opened my eyes and changed my behavior for the better. I vowed to myself, which is more important than promising someone else, to stop lying...for ever. It is now physically impossible for me to lie. It was that traumatic of an experience. 

I have learned that behavior can change (most often it's only temporary) but your character is unchangeable. During very stressful times, I find myself slipping into old behavior patterns. I have to stop and remind myself every two to three days, or publicly call myself out and get help from my friends with accountability. I believe the people I've surrounded myself with all have stellar character, but some haven't taken time to examine their motives, actions and values lately. With the end of the year approaching, and a new one about to begin, it's a perfect time for self reflection and inventory.

It is my personality to be open and honest. I usually follow that up with "to a fault", but I am no longer going to look at it that way. It is a gift. I have been given a gift to feel deeply, love unconditionally, to be open with emotions and to help heal people that need healing. I would like to think that I can teach others that it is okay to open yourself up, to risk rejection in lieu of false hopes for the future, and to love yourself enough to let others see your flaws and shortcomings. I don't want perfection...there is no such thing. I want to be able to see honest, real, open, vulnerable and dependable qualities in you. I want you to see those qualities in me as well...without having to dig deep.

I know many of my best qualities have been intensified due to experiences I have been through in life. Maybe the people I'm counting on haven't experienced what I have, in order to gain perspective on their own value system. All I can do is continue to be me...like it or leave it...I won't change or shut myself down, because as painful as it might be to possibly get rejected by someone, it will be so worth it when I do find my circle of people to trust. 

The best gift I can give you is me...my humor, my excitement for life and adventure, my love for my family, my sense of wonder in the beauty of nature, my open mind and open heart, and my honesty and trust.

A clean slate...for someone

I've been absent a while... Metaphorically speaking and physically absent as well.  I'm back...in both ways. I guess I needed some time to process the loss of a job, the loss of direction for a while, the uncertainty of my future, and a bunch of junk that just wanted to bubble up to the surface. I can't wait for all of that to resolve before writing again, because life just isn't ever going to be perfect, or calm, or convenient, so I will just make room for getting my words out and accomplish this task of sharing again. 

Sometime this week my kids' dad is coming back into town. He has been out of state for two months, but hasn't physically spent any time with them for closer to three months. I am in close to panic mode about this, mostly because he's not coming home to stay.  He's coming to visit, say hi to his children, spend his birthday here with his parents and sisters (and kids I guess?) then pack up his truck and drive to Minnesota to begin his new life.  I get it. He's moving on. I am happier than ever that he's found something to lift him out of his depression he's been suffering, and can make a new start and get back on his feet. My one issue...it comes at the expense of his kids. 

I know, I know...kids are resilient. It is my job to protect them and reassure them this decision has nothing to do with them...he's not abandoning them, he's not giving up on them, he's not replacing them with "her kids", I know how to keep everything positive about him in their eyes. I absolutely have no intention of souring the relationship between father and child. BUT...I will not accept responsibility for what his decision creates in their mind. I am beside myself about this, and I have issues with men in general that make this move and discard their children. I get it...there are definite reasons that this has to happen in some cases...I just can't figure a way to justify it in my head. 

I know plenty of divorced men and women that have figured out how to work things out while keeping the welfare of their children as TOP PRIORITY. As bad as my divorce was...let's recap...my arrest and jail time, his loss of job, complete change in financial status, etc...the main focus every moment of every day was making sure the kids were taken care of and we were working on doing things for their benefit. I don't have to be his best friend, but I refuse to be the enemy as well. I've known him for 23 years, and was married to him for 20. I didn't think a year ago that we would be talking civil..but we are. Maybe some of that is because he is 1400 miles away and I don't have daily interaction with him. 

My other deep seeded resentment for his actions? He walks away and starts a new life. Leaves the pain, hurt, embarrassment of his past behind. He can stuff it all down deep where it will fester and come back to haunt him in time, but for the moment...can start with a clean slate. Guess where that leaves the mom (me)?  Dealing with the pain, hurt and embarrassment of the past, both in my life and in each one of our kids. It was bad enough being cheated on and lied to, but now we are all being discarded too? It's like a double whammy, slap in the face, and a big F You. Where's my clean slate, fresh start and new life?  Oh, I have it. I'm creating it. But MINE is centered around my kids. So forgive me if you think some of my actions appear self centered, but there may be times I need a breather...to step back and take a short break from holding everything together with a very weak glue. I'm new at this. I'm trying to preserve my sanity, my kids trust for adults, and restore their faith in love and marriage. I've got my work cut out for me.

As far as future relationships go...I can't commit to anything right now except my family. If I let you in to my family unit, you are being entrusted with a HUGE honor of possibly becoming a role model for my children. This in itself is a massive role, and not one to be taken lightly. I'm not looking for a new daddy for them. I'm not looking for a husband for me. I am looking for a sounding board, a friend, an entertainer...just someone that can interact in a positive light and help restore some of that trust and faith in adults for my kids. Someone to reassure me that I am doing okay...that I have good kids...or if you see a looming potential problem, you are able to call it like you see it and help me figure out a solution before it's too late. 

Who I let around my kids and who I spend my time with shouldn't be two class of people. I have to put some of my own wants and needs aside if necessary and purely focus on the kids ...this last year I've been very selfish and self preserving. That time is over now...I made it through the toughest parts of this situation...time to turn to my children and help them through their tough time right now.

I don't want this post to offend or confuse anyone, I'm withdrawing for a while, from a lot of areas, until I know my kids can get through this shift of seeing their dad move out of state and all of us move back into the house they grew up in. Yes'm that's right...renting from the ex...keeping his house occupied and having the kids back in the neighborhood and where they are comfortable. That is going to do a number on me mentally and emotionally, but again...kids best interests in mind, not mine. 

I'll get through this...my kids will get through it...like EVERYONE has been telling me, kids are resilient, right!? 

Feel free to wish me luck, and keep my kids in your prayers. I think they deserve a clean slate too, or at least a chance to not have their current slate covered with a bunch of crap.

Six Week Clean Life Challenge - Tony Cress Personal Training

I overcame my biggest obstacle today...THE BEGINNING...STARTING and FINISHING DAY ONE WORKOUT.

I know that sounds silly, but I woke up at six, and the first thought in my head was "I don't want to do this". But then I remembered my five reasons why I am doing this challenge, and I remembered that today was the easiest day, so I just needed to get it done.

Even after the positive self talk, I didn't feel like moving. I fixed breakfast for the kids, got Daniel off to his zero hour class at 6:50, then came home, got into my workout clothes, and fell back to sleep. I could've worked out then, but I didn't want Liz to hear/see me. I took Liz to school at 8 and decided I needed to face my workout demon. I texted my boss that I would be in by 10.

I grabbed my shoes and socks, and set up my living room with a bench for the mtn climber push-ups and some weights for the jump squats. I need to buy a kettle bell. I began the workout at 8:19am. At the end of round one, I think I took a four minute break. Immediately after, I thought there was no way in hell I would finish two more rounds. I thought horrible, negative things about myself. "How did you let yourself get in this shape?" "This is disgusting and embarrassing, you can't walk into a gym like this" "you are so fat that can't even breath in this position"..and worse.

When I got my composure back, I convinced myself another round would not kill me, and I would just get all three done and feel better eventually. I drank a ton of water and started round two. During the burpees, I had to slow it down a little and focus more on good form and slow and steady.  End of round two, more water and maybe a three minute break. It was taking me a long time to recover my breathing.

Last round high knees looked slow motion, mtn climbers were awkward, the lunge squat with side leg were still good, butt kickers slow-mo, burpees were really slow and steady, jump squats made me super dizzy and the kettle bell swing made me realize I was at the end of the workout and I survived it.

My heart rate was about 180 at the very end. I was wheezing and there was more negative self talk about how out of shape I am. I gave myself a little credit for pushing through, but I was still not happy with myself. But then something hit me.

This is the last day that I will feel this negative about myself. Because from this day forward, I will be improving. I got through the worst of it. I STARTED.

*Michelle and I met Tony Cress in Jackpot, NV this past weekend. Yes, he was part of the entertainment...but all of those men that perform together are also successful businessmen. I am tackling this challenge with every ounce of commitment and determination to win. And by win, I mean to make some serious life changes. That is winning.

Overcoming Insecurity

I think it's pretty natural for humans to be insecure, to a certain extent. I can only speak for myself at the moment though. It's 4:45am and I am wide awake. Thankfully, I have today off work and I only have grocery shopping to get done. I'll sleep later. Right now I am spending time examining my troubling feelings that are keeping me from sleep. 

I was reminiscing with a friend tonight what an awful year my 40th year was, then after some of the worst moments of my life, my 41st year ended up absolutely amazing. Now I'm 42. I look back two years ago at all the insecurities I had...mostly things I was told were wrong with me...and see the growth I've had. I have gained so much confidence since my divorce, yet I still get the unwelcome visits periodically from Insecurity that makes me doubt myself. 

I'll throw these out there so I don't skirt around the issues: 

I don't want to be alone. Outside of immediate family, I don't feel important to anyone. I want to mean the world to someone. I want someone who is in love with me, not just loves me (there's a difference). I worry that I will scare people away when I start showing my serious, emotional side. (I'm great company when my guard is up) I'm afraid I will be everyone's best friend and sidekick, but not relationship material. I'm also afraid I don't want any of the above, just miss the feelings associated with it all! 

I don't know why I'm rushing myself to have my life figured out right now. I have plenty of time, I hope. I have just been plagued with this feeling of urgency in several areas of my life. I don't want to waste time. I want to make every moment count, and if I don't know where my path is taking me, I'm finding myself filled with anxiety and impatience. I want answers. I want security. I want a lot that I can't even put a finger on and give a name to it. 

According to this chart, I am doing well in the confidence area. My insecurities have less to do with myself as a person, and more to do with my future in general. I'm self talking my way through this as I write, and it just became clear to me that is what is troubling me. I am a confident person. See the chart below:

So now that I have accepted the fact that I'm okay, and it's the fear of my unknown future, I can work on other things, like patience and using my time wisely. Also, in taking time to figure out what I want. Here are a few things that I know already...

(I don't agree with parts of that second paragraph...I don't have self-hate or worry about what others think of me...but I can be clingy and I am a hopeless romantic at heart!)

So, I'm doing okay I think...I am capable of showing and receiving love. I know when I'm being treated poorly, and it's my choice to accept that treatment or walk away with my head held high. I tend to relate a lot of my emotions and memories to music, and this particular song puts those feelings into words...if this was being sung to me by the person I want to hear it from, because I will feel the same way in return... This isn't the radio version...which makes it even better for my heart. 

The person who gets me is going to be really damn lucky. 

Thank you for following along with me on my self therapy session.

Here's the radio version of Lee Brice's song (by the way, I got to hear this live, at his concert, falling in love with it)

It's not about Creating...it's about Discovering

I reached another milestone today, and had a break through epiphany. Since I started blogging, the title of it has been "the creation of Ms. Wallace". For some reason, today I looked at the photo I posted of me one year ago and realized, I have not created anything. I'm on a journey of discovery.  I've been created already...I was born. I was raised. Creation happened through science. Discovery is a personal journey everyone gets to choose. Some people probably never discover who they are or why they are here. I fully intend to.

In this last year I have had many adventures, accomplished several large "bucket list" items, taken risks and performed on stage in front of hundreds of people collectively. I have struggled with my identity, confidence, value, and worth.  I've met some people who have made me feel more valuable, and some who have tried to make me feel worthless. I have finally learned to take control over my circle of trust, and I'm slowly deciding who I want to keep close to me. I'm still struggling with seeing those few that are there only because I won't release my grasp on them. Others are just coming into my life now, and I'm taking time to decide their meaning and placement. I can honestly say, the people I have come back in contact with from my past have all had a reason to appear again, while some of the new friends I have made in the last year will likely be more important to me than I could have imagined.

This next year ahead, if I am granted to be kept on this earth still, will be epic. I have lofty goals, backed by solid plans of how to accomplish them. I have so much ahead of me, so much to experience and accomplish. There are a few more big bucket list trips, some great concerts, sporting events, and amazing friends to enjoy spending time with. 

While it appears that I am submersed in discovering myself, be aware I have a laser focus on my children. They are starting to notice that I am okay. They see my optimistic outlook in the middle of some very bleak situations. They have seen me sacrifice pride and reach out to help someone who hurt me deeply. I am trying every day to handle myself with grace and dignity when it comes to our family situation. I've been called out for blogging certain aspects of the last year, but I am pretty comfortable with the generalities I write in. I've tried to protect both the innocent and the guilty parties. My kids, they are amazing. I love them with every fiber of my being. I would fight to the death for each of them. I have a protective instinct that I wasn't aware of since becoming a single parent. I am now the fierce one that would lay down my life if needed. I discovered that has always been a part of me, I just never thought it would be needed. Our family had a protector...he was a Marine, a police officer, a husband and father. Now that it's gone, I have a role to play that is just now manifesting itself. It is down deep, I have just realized it's there waiting to be developed. It's the same place that holds the determination and drive to workout, get in the best shape of my life, and become a warrior goddess. It's up to me to discover my inner strength.

I hope you all can follow with me and watch the evolution and discovery of Ms Wallace. It's going to be a real adventure. If I can inspire just one person to become a better version of themself, or convince someone of their amazing worth, or lead by example on how to live an honest life, this journey will be more than worth it.