42 years in the making...

It's liberating when you decide to be single (or when the decision is made for you and you willingly embrace it I guess?) I can't give myself all of the credit for just deciding to become single. I went through rejection again and AGAIN. I consciously ignored and pushed away people who could have been part of my life, and they did the same to me...so really it was a combined effort. They deserve credit too...but truly the decision to be at PEACE with it was mine. As I mentioned previously, I've had either an all-consuming crush, a boyfriend, a husband, or a male significant other since around the age of 14. I wasn't even allowed to date until I was 16, but that didn't keep me from becoming wrapped up with boys long before that. 

Looking back on each fixation or relationship, I am now able to analyze the good and the bad experiences and how they shaped my thinking about myself and men in general. I'm not proud to say that I blamed a lot of bad things on men. I can truly say that I never trusted men, EVER, while growing up. I watched my parents marriage, and even though their 50th wedding anniversary is this May, it wasn't the model marriage for three daughters to learn about love and trust. I won't get into all of that, because this is about MY decision and how I messed up...not my parents or sisters marriages. Just know, that even though I wasn't exposed to the perfect union, I was free to form my own opinion and views, and I often chose wrong. 

I believe there is more than one someone for each one of us out there. More than just "the one". In fact, I think there are several "soul mates" that we will recognize during our lives. Did we know these people before we were born, or maybe as some would question "from another life"? These are all much deeper and philosophical subjects than what I am willing to write about, so for now let's assume that the people we interact with during our lives were placed in our path for a reason deeper than we understand at this point in time. I've seen it play out in my own life, and if we are truly paying attention to the lessons we've already learned in life, many of you can relate to this. I am not trying to convince anyone that "everything happens for a reason". If that were the case, death, sickness and tragedy would be nothing more than a sick joke. What I believe, and is easier to accept, is there is a lesson to be learned from each experience we go through. These moments are the ones I look back on and understand "it happened for a reason" or "it was meant to be". You should, and will eventually, pick up the pieces and make the best of a tragedy and learn to overcome.

From what most of you know about me, you assume I am the least qualified to write about tragedy or loss or horrific life events. With the exception of war and military service and loss of life, I've been through more than I will ever share on a public blog. Things that should have ended my life and didn't. Situations that broke me but not my spirit. Many of the things I won't write about yet happened in the hands of men. I believed I had the right to hate men and began to believe I was nothing more than an object. My ex husband knew this, and while he desperately tried to help fix these issues, they eventually compounded into deeper trust issues with him...up until the grand finale of our twenty year marriage ending in infidelity and divorce. One cynical view would be "I was right" and continue on mistrusting men. I choose NOT to live the remainder of my life this way. I'm taking credit for my part in feeding into this myth that men can't be trusted. I'll put this out there for what it's worth...IF YOU DONT TRUST YOURSELF, YOU WILL NEVER TRUST ANYONE ELSE. 

This is where my trust issue came from. I was ill-equipped in the trust department. I had already made poor choices. I continued to make poor choices. I had to stop making poor choices at some point. Choices become patterns and patterns become habits. Bad habits are heard to break. I have learned through painful processes to not only trust myself, but to love myself and acknowledge that I am the one person who I can depend on to get me through anything in my life. It is because I can trust myself with that task that I can now trust others. This wasn't an overnight epiphany. This journey has been 42 years in the making, but the clarity did appear overnight. There was a vivid moment of realization that my journey through hell was over. 

I have friends right now going through similar relationship difficulties that I've experienced, and as much as I want to jump in and tell them what they need to do, I remember that each of us have a different path in life to take. Your answers are already inside you. Your road maps, your life GPS, is waiting to give you directions...you just have to decide where you are going to go. Your free will can take you on endless detours that might be pleasant or painful. It's all up to you. But whatever choices you decide to make, be willing and able to take accountability for them. There is nothing worse than blaming others for your situation. Be responsible, learn to trust yourself, and you will learn to enjoy the journey so much more.

I have many friends, my counselor and a few people from churches that I thank for their contributions to my journey. I would say thank you, but the chances they are reading this are slim, and if you are reading it, the chances you know how much you've helped me are even slimmer. THANK YOU

Being SINGLE

I am an honest to God, single, grown-ass adult woman. It is the first time in my LIFE than I can make this claim. This is the first time since I was a boy-crazy teenager, that I haven't had a boyfriend. I have no one to check in with, I have no one offering their affection, I have no one that I am showering with my affection. I am SINGLE. I am counting on MYSELF to get through my troubles and celebrating my joys with my kids and female friends. During the first year after my divorce I felt I needed someone constantly, I feared I would be alone forever, I didn't know how to go from married for twenty years to being alone. I had a transition period that involved one very close friend that I knew from childhood, and a couple of other people that I met and felt were important to me. Somehow, magically, when I hit my one year divorciversary on January 30, 2016, I felt an intense need to be unattached. I don't know if it's a burning desire to prove to myself I am a capable, independent, smart and confident woman, or if I am determined to get to know who I am and what I want before morphing into a version of what someone else expects me to be.

Here are some interesting things I discovered in that first year:

• I was a people pleaser. I didn't realize this...I thought I just agreed with things my husband wanted to do so we could spend time together...but quickly realized I found myself doing things with others and for others I didn't have interest in just to avoid conflict or to make them happy, even if I was miserable.
• I morphed into what the other person was...the ex was into weight lifting, so I became a gym rat with him. If he liked his eggs a certain way, that's how I ate them. If he liked certain music,  I started listening to it as well. If he didn't like someone, I in turn didn't like them (or at least didn't act like I did). I NEVER thought for myself. I didn't make my own decisions. I depended upon being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and never questioned why. I continued to act like this after the divorce and rarely made decisions without getting approval from a second party.
• I needed validation and wasn't getting it in my marriage. I questioned whether I was a good person or not. I knew I was an excellent mother, but I wasn't an excellent wife and felt I wasn't a very good friend either. My self esteem was rarely evident. I questioned my worth constantly. 
• I felt the only time I could be myself was when I was alone. I was always looking for some kind of escape. I couldn't stand for other people to see me in my family setting...I felt like a fraud.
• Even when I was alone, I was uncomfortable with myself.

All of these things have changed...drastically!  Yes, I've opened myself up to more genres of music now, but it's because I LIKE THEM. I listen to country and admit it, even if the person I'm with isn't a fan.  I eat my eggs however I'm in the mood for them. I make decisions to do things without checking for approval first (just notify my kids where I am). I see my counselor purely for the enjoyment of bouncing ideas off of her instead of fretting there is something wrong with my head. I go to movies and dinner by myself and enjoy it! I love being my own company. I don't seek validation from men or women. I love myself. I am an incredible person and IF AND WHEN the right man comes along, he will be blown away by me. That is NOT cockiness. I am finally confident. It wasn't anyone who instilled that in me, it was ME...I am enough. I am the example of Stuart Smalley in front of his mirror stating positive affirmations. I will not waste any more of my time questioning why, how, when and who will make me feel better. I did it. You need to do it on your own. And it helps to figure it out while you are SINGLE. 

Good luck if you still are getting there. You can do it. I believe in you. You ARE enough...if you aren't enough for someone else, that is not your problem. We always have something we can improve about ourselves, but it's not going to come solely in the form of physical attributes. It's your heart, your soul, and your head. It's how you think, what you feel and what you believe. Work on that. Then work on it some more. And the whole time you are working on it, be positive. Seek out beauty in the world. Focus on thing that are RIGHT in your world. Smile at people, compliment others, do good for other people. You will see things change right before your eyes. One day you will realize, just like I did suddenly, that you've made it. 

💜💜💜

GHOSTS and DEMONS

There is a common belief that demons are fallen angels and ghosts are dead humans. This theory is the core of difference between the ghosts and demons. Demons do not have earthly origin and hence they are considered to possess stronger powers than ghosts. But, why is it so that the ghosts are not as powerful as the demons? It certainly depends on what one believes. Demons are considered as fallen angels and hence their power is expected to be higher than the average ghosts or dead human.

Depending on your beliefs regarding this, one might also be sensitive to the fact that you carry ghosts from your past along with you into new relationships and new experiences. You let them cloud and distort your views of not only the present, but also the future. Worse than the ghosts from your past, you carry Demons that dictate your behavior and your judgement.

Ok, this all sounds a little spooky right? But if you don't think of it in a halloween or wicked witch sort of way, and think of these ghosts and demons as your emotional baggage, it's just a way to name them and deal with them. Everybody has their past. Everyone has their tragedies and triumphs. Everyone carries guilt, anger or shame that is hidden away and locked up tight. The healthy ones have been through counseling and have learned to let it out. Too many still believe if they keep their ghosts and demons hidden they will never escape to cause problems. How very, very wrong they are.

Through any life change, there will be elements of your past that continue into the present. The trick is to try to allow only the ones that will enhance or enrich your life from this point forward. This goes for people, objects, relationships, memories, etc. If you allow the demons, or the issues you fought so hard to rid yourself of, a place to comfortably reside in your present, the future will be full of anxiety, worry and ghosts.

Get rid of the things, people, situations and toxins from your past. Give yourself an opportunity to free yourself from the chains and start living again. 

Totally achievable goal...BETTER DAYS!

So, here is my 2016 New Years post. I hope to look back at this page in 366 days and be amazed at myself. Yes, 366 days! It's leap year. We get an extra day this year to make up for the last four years we messed up on. Who knows? That one extra day could be the turning point or make a complete difference in your life! My goal is to make EVERY day this year a BETTER DAY. 

RESOLUTIONS

1) Work on my independence...be comfortable spending time alone. Show love, not loneliness.

2) Dance more...for fun, for exercise, while doing housework, while grocery shopping. Dance for the pure joy of feeling the music and being happy in the moment.

3) Show and Tell my children I love them. Hug and kiss my kids more...the older they get, the harder it is to connect with them in that way.

4) Listen more, talk less.

5) Take my children on a memorable family vacation...

6) Travel with friends/family and share experiences instead of buying gifts for birthdays and holidays

7) Live within a set budget and pay cash for everything (Dave Ramsey)

8) Make taking care of my body a priority...exercise to feel better, not to look better. That will happen along the way without stressing over it. 

9) Work on the person I want to be, Forgive the person I was, and Love the person I AM. 

10) Be the reason someone else smiles EVERY DAY. Create happiness daily, for myself and others.

Here's hoping all of your days in 2016 continue to be BETTER DAYS...

Better Days

1. By Goo Goo Dolls

   And you asked me what I want this year
   And I try to make this kind and clear
   Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
   'Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
   And designer love and empty things
   Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

   [Chorus]
   So take these words and sing out loud
   'Cause everyone is forgiven now
   'Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

   I need some place simple where we could live
   And something only you can give
   And that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
   And the one poor child who saved this world
   And there's ten million more who probably could
   If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

   [Chorus]

   I wish everyone was loved tonight
   And somehow stop this endless fight
   Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

   [Chorus]

   'Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

   Songwriters: JOHN RZEZNIK

   © BMG RIGHTS MANAGEMENT US, LLC

   For non-commercial use only.

   Data from: LyricFin

THE BEST GIFT

It has been a long time since my last heartfelt blog. I've started and deleted no less than ten entries between the last one in November and now. Many life altering events have happened, and I believe I'm in the midst of yet another one. I feel like I've suddenly become this self righteous female that is on a truth crusade. I'm fighting all injustices regarding emotions, friendships, love and honesty.  This is not my battle to fight for anyone else besides me though. Why can't I just let others be, and conserve my energy for those who I don't need to fight for?

Example... My youngest daughter. There were some issues with her posting on social media things that were inappropriate and untrue. Solution...she got called out on it. There were big discussions about consequences from many different angles. She lost her devices, closed accounts, has much more adult supervision and hopefully understands the reasons behind the big changes in her life.  This was worth fighting for. This was hopefully a life lesson she will always carry with her. I hope she chooses honesty and self respect in the future...sure, there will be bumps in the road ahead, there always are...but for the majority of the decisions she makes, I want her to have honesty instilled as one of her values. This is a parenting job, a lesson to also be taught by example, and one that I will fight for EVERY TIME. 

You know what else is worth fighting for? YOU. Yourself. Your own self respect, your heart, your values and integrity. Don't allow others to belittle you, to take away your faith and trust in mankind, to treat you with less respect than you deserve. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated, to be lied to, or to be used for a way to pass time until the next best thing comes along. 

I have always been a people pleaser. This started in junior high, continued throughout high school, perfected in college, and then learned in marriage to tiptoe on eggshells and keep the peace for the children we were raising. After our divorce, and lots of counseling, I began to recognize how little I valued myself. I have spent the last year focusing on surrounding myself with individuals that I have been able to have candidly open and honest conversations with. I think it's easy to do when people are sharing negativity, ranting about divorce, or trying to form bonds with someone new. I always assumed what I was hearing was the truth, because I knew I was telling the truth. Looking back on it, I think I was fed a lot of bull. I'm getting better at connecting with my intuition and BS detector, and am genuinely starting to question my core group of acquaintances. 

I've learned that I am an open book.  I will tell you the truth about 100% of my life. If I don't have a strong connection with you, I may not share certain aspects with you, but I won't lie to you about them either. I will just withhold personal details until I feel I can trust you. I've also learned that I genuinely want to trust everyone. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I assume there is no motive to hurt me, because you are an adult and have the same values as I do. I am in no way claiming to be perfect. I have not always been honest. I have not always been faithful. But I did go through some heart wrenching times during my marriage that completely opened my eyes and changed my behavior for the better. I vowed to myself, which is more important than promising someone else, to stop lying...for ever. It is now physically impossible for me to lie. It was that traumatic of an experience. 

I have learned that behavior can change (most often it's only temporary) but your character is unchangeable. During very stressful times, I find myself slipping into old behavior patterns. I have to stop and remind myself every two to three days, or publicly call myself out and get help from my friends with accountability. I believe the people I've surrounded myself with all have stellar character, but some haven't taken time to examine their motives, actions and values lately. With the end of the year approaching, and a new one about to begin, it's a perfect time for self reflection and inventory.

It is my personality to be open and honest. I usually follow that up with "to a fault", but I am no longer going to look at it that way. It is a gift. I have been given a gift to feel deeply, love unconditionally, to be open with emotions and to help heal people that need healing. I would like to think that I can teach others that it is okay to open yourself up, to risk rejection in lieu of false hopes for the future, and to love yourself enough to let others see your flaws and shortcomings. I don't want perfection...there is no such thing. I want to be able to see honest, real, open, vulnerable and dependable qualities in you. I want you to see those qualities in me as well...without having to dig deep.

I know many of my best qualities have been intensified due to experiences I have been through in life. Maybe the people I'm counting on haven't experienced what I have, in order to gain perspective on their own value system. All I can do is continue to be me...like it or leave it...I won't change or shut myself down, because as painful as it might be to possibly get rejected by someone, it will be so worth it when I do find my circle of people to trust. 

The best gift I can give you is me...my humor, my excitement for life and adventure, my love for my family, my sense of wonder in the beauty of nature, my open mind and open heart, and my honesty and trust.

A clean slate...for someone

I've been absent a while... Metaphorically speaking and physically absent as well.  I'm back...in both ways. I guess I needed some time to process the loss of a job, the loss of direction for a while, the uncertainty of my future, and a bunch of junk that just wanted to bubble up to the surface. I can't wait for all of that to resolve before writing again, because life just isn't ever going to be perfect, or calm, or convenient, so I will just make room for getting my words out and accomplish this task of sharing again. 

Sometime this week my kids' dad is coming back into town. He has been out of state for two months, but hasn't physically spent any time with them for closer to three months. I am in close to panic mode about this, mostly because he's not coming home to stay.  He's coming to visit, say hi to his children, spend his birthday here with his parents and sisters (and kids I guess?) then pack up his truck and drive to Minnesota to begin his new life.  I get it. He's moving on. I am happier than ever that he's found something to lift him out of his depression he's been suffering, and can make a new start and get back on his feet. My one issue...it comes at the expense of his kids. 

I know, I know...kids are resilient. It is my job to protect them and reassure them this decision has nothing to do with them...he's not abandoning them, he's not giving up on them, he's not replacing them with "her kids", I know how to keep everything positive about him in their eyes. I absolutely have no intention of souring the relationship between father and child. BUT...I will not accept responsibility for what his decision creates in their mind. I am beside myself about this, and I have issues with men in general that make this move and discard their children. I get it...there are definite reasons that this has to happen in some cases...I just can't figure a way to justify it in my head. 

I know plenty of divorced men and women that have figured out how to work things out while keeping the welfare of their children as TOP PRIORITY. As bad as my divorce was...let's recap...my arrest and jail time, his loss of job, complete change in financial status, etc...the main focus every moment of every day was making sure the kids were taken care of and we were working on doing things for their benefit. I don't have to be his best friend, but I refuse to be the enemy as well. I've known him for 23 years, and was married to him for 20. I didn't think a year ago that we would be talking civil..but we are. Maybe some of that is because he is 1400 miles away and I don't have daily interaction with him. 

My other deep seeded resentment for his actions? He walks away and starts a new life. Leaves the pain, hurt, embarrassment of his past behind. He can stuff it all down deep where it will fester and come back to haunt him in time, but for the moment...can start with a clean slate. Guess where that leaves the mom (me)?  Dealing with the pain, hurt and embarrassment of the past, both in my life and in each one of our kids. It was bad enough being cheated on and lied to, but now we are all being discarded too? It's like a double whammy, slap in the face, and a big F You. Where's my clean slate, fresh start and new life?  Oh, I have it. I'm creating it. But MINE is centered around my kids. So forgive me if you think some of my actions appear self centered, but there may be times I need a breather...to step back and take a short break from holding everything together with a very weak glue. I'm new at this. I'm trying to preserve my sanity, my kids trust for adults, and restore their faith in love and marriage. I've got my work cut out for me.

As far as future relationships go...I can't commit to anything right now except my family. If I let you in to my family unit, you are being entrusted with a HUGE honor of possibly becoming a role model for my children. This in itself is a massive role, and not one to be taken lightly. I'm not looking for a new daddy for them. I'm not looking for a husband for me. I am looking for a sounding board, a friend, an entertainer...just someone that can interact in a positive light and help restore some of that trust and faith in adults for my kids. Someone to reassure me that I am doing okay...that I have good kids...or if you see a looming potential problem, you are able to call it like you see it and help me figure out a solution before it's too late. 

Who I let around my kids and who I spend my time with shouldn't be two class of people. I have to put some of my own wants and needs aside if necessary and purely focus on the kids ...this last year I've been very selfish and self preserving. That time is over now...I made it through the toughest parts of this situation...time to turn to my children and help them through their tough time right now.

I don't want this post to offend or confuse anyone, I'm withdrawing for a while, from a lot of areas, until I know my kids can get through this shift of seeing their dad move out of state and all of us move back into the house they grew up in. Yes'm that's right...renting from the ex...keeping his house occupied and having the kids back in the neighborhood and where they are comfortable. That is going to do a number on me mentally and emotionally, but again...kids best interests in mind, not mine. 

I'll get through this...my kids will get through it...like EVERYONE has been telling me, kids are resilient, right!? 

Feel free to wish me luck, and keep my kids in your prayers. I think they deserve a clean slate too, or at least a chance to not have their current slate covered with a bunch of crap.

Six Week Clean Life Challenge - Tony Cress Personal Training

I overcame my biggest obstacle today...THE BEGINNING...STARTING and FINISHING DAY ONE WORKOUT.

I know that sounds silly, but I woke up at six, and the first thought in my head was "I don't want to do this". But then I remembered my five reasons why I am doing this challenge, and I remembered that today was the easiest day, so I just needed to get it done.

Even after the positive self talk, I didn't feel like moving. I fixed breakfast for the kids, got Daniel off to his zero hour class at 6:50, then came home, got into my workout clothes, and fell back to sleep. I could've worked out then, but I didn't want Liz to hear/see me. I took Liz to school at 8 and decided I needed to face my workout demon. I texted my boss that I would be in by 10.

I grabbed my shoes and socks, and set up my living room with a bench for the mtn climber push-ups and some weights for the jump squats. I need to buy a kettle bell. I began the workout at 8:19am. At the end of round one, I think I took a four minute break. Immediately after, I thought there was no way in hell I would finish two more rounds. I thought horrible, negative things about myself. "How did you let yourself get in this shape?" "This is disgusting and embarrassing, you can't walk into a gym like this" "you are so fat that can't even breath in this position"..and worse.

When I got my composure back, I convinced myself another round would not kill me, and I would just get all three done and feel better eventually. I drank a ton of water and started round two. During the burpees, I had to slow it down a little and focus more on good form and slow and steady.  End of round two, more water and maybe a three minute break. It was taking me a long time to recover my breathing.

Last round high knees looked slow motion, mtn climbers were awkward, the lunge squat with side leg were still good, butt kickers slow-mo, burpees were really slow and steady, jump squats made me super dizzy and the kettle bell swing made me realize I was at the end of the workout and I survived it.

My heart rate was about 180 at the very end. I was wheezing and there was more negative self talk about how out of shape I am. I gave myself a little credit for pushing through, but I was still not happy with myself. But then something hit me.

This is the last day that I will feel this negative about myself. Because from this day forward, I will be improving. I got through the worst of it. I STARTED.

*Michelle and I met Tony Cress in Jackpot, NV this past weekend. Yes, he was part of the entertainment...but all of those men that perform together are also successful businessmen. I am tackling this challenge with every ounce of commitment and determination to win. And by win, I mean to make some serious life changes. That is winning.