HEADCASE - Interview and Answers: Session 1

You know, I write this blog for my own benefit. It's a diary of how I am feeling, my thoughts and plans for the future and how to accomplish my goals. During this process, I am treating you all to a glimpse of what conversations in my head with myself look like. I can only image that at times you all just roll your eyes and shake your head. Maybe you laugh at me, or with me. Someday you may cry with me too. Hopefully you all will understand the insane thoughts that divorce causes. Doubts about your own sanity and ability to move on with your own life, considering also if you have children, you are responsible for helping them move on as well. So here you go, today's glimpse inside the headcase also known as Linda Wallace.

CONFLICT A  Battling Negativity

Why do we spend so much time dwelling on the past and thinking of everything that has gone wrong over the past hour, day, week, year, decade? Why do we focus solely on the areas of life that are lacking? Seriously, why do we focus SO MUCH on what is wrong in our lives? Money, job, relationship, friends, family.  This is just a sampling of what I seem to worry about the most. In all of those areas I mentioned I feel like I am MISSING SOMETHING.

1. Money: (or lack thereof) I don't ever feel like I will ever have enough to live any other way than barely paycheck to paycheck
2. Job: I've done basically the same thing in dentistry for 20 years with no retirement benefits. I'm getting antsy for a career change...unfortunately this may lead to a cut in pay if I change industries (see #1 concern)
3. Relationship: (or lack thereof) I am missing an integral part of my life. Closeness with someone of the opposite sex. I am getting tired of doing things alone or with girlfriends. But I also am not willing to jump into something just to avoid being lonely...so, yeah, not much going to be changing here.
4. Friends: I don't feel like a very good one because I am always wrapped up in my own problems instead of spending my energy being a good friend to someone who needs it. This is certainly a big red flag for beginning a relationship (see #3 concern)
5. Family: I worry about my kids emotional and mental health because of the recent influx of stress in their lives. I know I am doing my part keeping them housed, clothed and fed, I just hope that is enough for the time being until we can all get the counseling we need.

So, what now? Do I accept this for what it is and pull up my big girl panties and trudge on with a shitty attitude and become "one of those" bitter divorcees? Oh hell no. I refuse to let this get the best of me. I have spent nearly every one of my waking (and most sleeping) hours dwelling on the top three of my five items listed above. I have come to the conclusion that everyone needs a plan. An immediate plan, a short term plan and a long term plan. It would be great to have all three of these for each item. I'm working on that. Here is what I have so far.

Money

1. immediate: stop spending unnecessarily. Set a budget and stick with it
2. short term: look for things to sell, put at least $25 per paycheck in savings
3. long term: get bills paid off using the debt snowball (see Dave Ramsey) and pay cash for everything with no debt

Job

1. immediate: be grateful that I have one. Many people don't. Stop complaining about working and change my attitude so that I can be more productive and happy while at work!
2. short term: start looking for opportunities in industries that interest me. (Airline, travel, blogging, writing, performing- notice, none of these are huge money makers)
3. long term: since I will have all my debt paid off in the long term, I will be able to take a job that makes less money because I won't have as many bills!

Relationship

1. immediate: ? I guess keep doing what I'm doing
2. short term: ?
3. long term: ? I hope I end up with someone who loves me as much as I love them and we live happily ever after.  It's worth waiting for. I don't plan on rushing this one.

Friends

1. immediate: I need to make sure to touch base with my friends, especially the ones I know are struggling just like me. 
2. short term: Make a plan to go do something with a friend at least once a week. Doesn't have to cost. A walk, bike ride or just sit and chat over coffee.
3. long term: Make bigger plans with friends. Short trips away from our worries, longer trips away with kids to start making lasting memories.

Family

1. immediate: hug more. talk more. spend more face time together and less time in separate rooms
2. short term: family counseling session to get things off chest that aren't coming out in conversation
3. long term: bonding activities and planning (and taking) a family vacation together

CONFLICT B Self Image Issues

Am I crazy, Am I fat, Am I lazy, Am I a failure, Am I immature, Am I embarrassing to my kids, Am I depressed, Am I anxious? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? Wow, that was just an explosion of a lot of stuff over TWENTY YEARS of marriage that I had convinced myself that the answer was always going to be YES.  I am slowly curing myself from the mindf*@#ing that occurred, and reprogramming my inner psyche to be more kind to myself. I will answer each of these concerns one at a time so I can reiterate to myself some very important points.

Am I crazy?: I hope I am. Just a little bit. Not in a bad way. Aren't we all a little "off"? I'll use mine for good.

Am I fat?: Who gets to define FAT? Do I have extra weight? Yes. Am I healthy? Yes. Does my size bother me? Some days yes, and some days no. So, I'm working on it. I want to tighten the things that jiggle, and smooth the things that are lumpy and see definition in the parts that don't have much any more. I think these are good goals. When I carry myself with confidence and feel good about myself, I will be beautiful. If you don't find me beautiful, then I guess I'm lucky you and I are not together. 

Am I lazy?: Sometimes. When I think not doing anything will benefit me more than doing something unproductive. It's okay some mornings to sleep in til 10 am, or go to bed at 8 pm. I think its okay to put off chores for a day or two. For weeks on end? NO. Do I always get my work done? YES. Do I find it easier to get up and get going if I give myself a reward? YES!  And, I have learned that ALL REWARDS will be calorie free.

Am I a failure?: This is just a flat out NO. Have things in my life failed? YES. But those do not define ME.

Am I immature?: Sometimes, in some areas. But the more I go through, and the more experiences I have, I am learning what it is to handle things as an adult, especially since I don't have anyone to take care of them for me.

Am I embarrassing to my kids?: Why did I worry about this so much? I don't care if I embarrass them or not, as long as what I am doing is RIGHT. Have I made mistakes in the past that might have caused embarrassment to my kids? Probably so, but I also talk to them and set things straight. NO, I will not cause a disturbance or be a drunk in front of them or their friends. YES, I will raise my voice if needed to correct their behavior even if friends are present, but only when it's REALLY NEEDED and can't wait. And I will continue to sing along to the radio in my car even if their friends are present.  Get over it kids. You think it's funny when other moms do it, so let me :) I don't need to be my kids friend right now. I'm a parent. Friendships develop after I have done my all parenting them. 

Am I depressed?: Sometimes, but then again, who isn't? I am learning how to get myself out of pity moods and can change this usually within a day, if not less. So I am not going to worry about this one any more. 

Am I anxious?: Yes, still this one gets to me. I worry over the future. I worry about the present. I second guess some of my decisions as to whether they are the best ones I can make. BUT, I'm not letting this get a hold on me. I wrap up the problem as soon as possible (or I blog about it) and I move on. Anxiety GONE.

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL?  Who would want to be "normal".  I remember in sixth grade at Farmin Elementary in Mrs. Berry's class, I had sticker paper that I made my own stickers on. I put them on all of my notebooks and I passed them out to my friends. I wish I still had those stickers. There was a very simple saying on them, and I believed this then and still do now.  "WEIRD IS BETTER".  I don't want to be normal. Normal is boring. I want to be remembered. I want to make a difference. I want to be ME and I am in no way "normal". Chances are, if you and I are friends, I think you are a little weird too. And that is a compliment. You're welcome.

SO...that was the journey into my head today.  Question and answer session with self is complete. Maybe you feel better about yourself now!

If you're happy and you know it...

Friday. I wait all week for this day. It's finally here and I have a to do list longer than the day itself, but of course I couldn't make the list until after my Keurig carafe of coffee.

Now that I have downed the coffee, it's time to move on to accomplishing things I have put off all week. Laundry, finish up work at the office, yard work, pay bills, grocery shop, watch a middle school track meet and then follow all that up with PAINTING!  I'm back on track for the moment enjoying a day of pure bliss...

I've gone back through my blog posts and have noticed I've been down in the dumps for quite a while.  I miss having company, enjoying my day with someone beside me, having someone at home waiting for me. It's different coming home to just kids, or worse yet, coming home to an empty house. I am getting used to it, but it doesn't change the fact that I want someone to curl up next to on the couch and watch Seinfeld and laugh out loud with. (Patience, little one. All good things in life are worth waiting for.)

I posted a prayer yesterday that really hit home. I know what I want. I know what I am hoping my future will look like. I just don't know what is really meant for me or how long I will have to be patient to start seeing those life changes take effect.  I'm working on letting go of my expectations and taking one day at a time. I have a lot of hang ups to deal with before I can consider any drastic changes in my life. The positive thing about all of this is...I'm ready. I feel like I am past the stage of possibly making bad decisions because of grief or fear or loneliness.  I've been careful and cautious this whole time with who I surround myself with, and have avoided causing myself pain through bad decisions.  I've proven to myself that I am in control and I am capable of being alone. Every day I get closer to being put back together.

This is the view I see around 7:45 every morning and it reminds me I have a fresh start today...

Note to self:

Start workout plan (again)

Find something to be happy about

Appreciate people that are in my life for the right reasons

Smile

Be good to myself

Compliment someone today

Be generous

Listen to music that makes me feel invincible

Enjoy the beauty in nature

Hug my kids for a few seconds longer than they expect

Say I Love You to the people I love

Be thankful for what I have

Find something to look forward to tomorrow

If you're happy and you know it, share your happiness with someone today.

I just shared mine with you!

The Land of Un

I'm stuck in a very (un) place right now.  I am (un)motivated, feel (un)important, (un)loved, and I am very (un)happy.  There's still a lot of things I can't go into detail about, but I was supposed to be in court next week and that has been pushed out til June now. The stress of what's happening in our once "normal" family of six has finally taken it's toll on each of my four kids.  I feel like I've spent too much time with self pity and no time helping them get through their grief and seeing if they are doing all right.  It's like we've ALL been pretending everything is fine, and slowly the masks are being peeled off to reveal the ugly and no more rose colored glasses to conceal the destruction that has happened. 

Getting through my day is becoming (un)bearable. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to deal with people. I don't want to pretend to be so damn happy right now. I want to escape. I want to stop dealing with life in general and just check out for a while, and come back to a land of happiness. I want things fixed. I want my kids to stop having stomach aches and headaches and anxiety attacks and problems in school. I want them to stop hiding in their bedrooms and rejoin the living. I want the same for me. I miss the part of my life before the kids were hurt, broken, angry and felt betrayed by their parents.  I don't know how to fix that for them. Just when I don't think it is possible to cry any more tears, I find more. 

The absolute worst part of ALL of this is being alone. I don't recommend divorce for those of you who have a loving heart and soul. The exception to that are those who jump right into another relationship and set up shop.  I can't. I'm too much of a burden right now to pass what I'm going through on to someone else. It's bad enough dumping emotions onto someone via phone, but a full relationship with someone? I want it, but I think I'd drive them crazy with my (un)stable emotions. I have no one. I am alone and I hate it. I feel myself shutting down and it scares me. I have got to help my kids and be there to support them.  Tuck away my wants and needs and focus on them. I know things will get better eventually, but it feels so dark and lonely right now. 

I think I am finally grieving.  I'm grieving the loss of a spouse.  The loss of a built-in support system. The loss of security and a protector.  The loss of twenty two years of history with the same person. I don't think I've ever felt like this before.  I don't like it.  It's (un)comfortable. I want out of it and I want to get out quickly before the grief sucks me in like quicksand and I drown.  Please don't worry about me. That is NOT why I'm writing this. In fact it would make me happy NOT knowing who has read this.  I'm venting. I'm crying and throwing a fit and kicking my feet like a child complaining that life isn't fair. I don't deserve this. My kids don't deserve this. One persons actions shouldn't be able to cause so many people misery.

I have been on my own for just over eight months now.  I have never had this long of a span without a relationship from my very first junior high boyfriend until now.  It feels like an eternity to be alone. I miss holding someone's hand. I miss feeling secure. I miss being loved. I miss being important and being present in someone's life.  I know I have friends going through the exact same thing as me, and I wonder if they feel the same and we just aren't close enough to grieve together.  I know I've been (un)willing to let down my guard and let anyone see how weak I am.  I'm a mess, but at least I've come to terms with it and I'm not going to remain this way.

I don't know exactly how I'm going to accomplish pulling my shit together, but it starts now. Part of creating myself is seeing how truly broken down I am, and figuring out where to put the pieces.  I came (un)assembled. I already have everything I need to make me whole again.  Time and strength and patience will get me there. The only love I'm truly missing right now is from myself.  I've given myself permission to sulk and feel pitiful, but it's time to stop.  I've been missing out on some good things while I was checked into the pity party. Please don't give up on me. I'm looking forward to a lot of f(un) times and happy days ahead for my family and friends.  Just know I'm trying to move forward.

Someday I'm going to turn my (un)bearable into (UN)BREAKABLE

https://youtu.be/OqGrcxxEXLc

Bacon & Eggs with a side of disappointment

Have you ever wanted something so much, and then gotten it and realized that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be?  Craving a certain food for instance.  You eat it and are left not feeling satisfied.  Wishing for a relationship, or worse yet, for one to end, and then reality hits you square between the eyes and you're left with a big sense of failure?  Why is it the things we so often look forward to, aren't really the things that are going to satisfy us at all?

This title was originally about something else entirely.  I started writing on Sunday. I've erased everything I've written and started over no less than five times, probably even closer to ten.  

It was a particularly hard day yesterday. I've been told by so many friends and aquaintances that they admire my strength and how well I'm doing through my divorce and starting a new chapter in my life...no, a new book actually.  That other book is over. It was twenty plus years of my life, and I had to shut the book and put it back on the shelf unfinished.  I am starting a new book. Some of the characters will be the same. Some have been written out of the story line but may pop up occasionally.  There are bound to be new characters whose parts haven't been written yet.  It will write itself as time progresses.  But friends, I can tell you this...the cover of a book never tells the whole story.  Sometimes you have to get deep into the story before anything makes sense.  I am still on the first chapter and I have NO IDEA where it is heading.  I am going to be just as surprised as you are.

The theme of my books seem to keep repeating themselves though.  I'm not thrilled with this.  Main character falls in love.  Doesn't feel worthy...is told she is broken and needs fixing...doesn't feel treasured..."sabotages" relationships and pushes others away to somehow "protect" herself from getting hurt. In reality, she keeps hurting herself with her actions and decisions because she believed what she was told for so many years.  She drank the kool-aid.  It's quite a depressing story actually.  It's plain to see from an outsiders perspective what is wrong with this picture.  

There is another take on this, my explanation of how the story goes.  Main character falls in love, she gives and gives everything away first before giving to herself.  She knows her worth and fights to make other people see it too.  Shuts down when she realizes this is getting her nowhere and she is exhausted fighting with why she isn't happy. Questions why anyone would want to be with her. Is disappointed constantly in herself and others. Knows she is worth more than what she allows herself to experience, and decides to open up and ..... this is where the story is right now ... AND WHAT?  

The side of disappointment served with the bacon and eggs can be symbolic of so many different things in your life. Disappointment in yourself. Disappointment in others. Disappointment in a situation or a place in your life. A disappointing relationship. Sometimes the disappointment is a drink that is bottomless, and the server keeps your cup overflowing.  Other days it's just a morsel of food on the plate that you can choose to consume or not.  It can be the jelly on the toast that you have control over how thick it is spread.  Disappointment comes in all shapes, colors, sizes and flavors.

What is disappointment?

How can you fix disappointment?  How do you make it go away?  WHY do you get disappointed in the first place?  I know my answer to WHY. I'm an optimist.  I have high hopes for myself and for other people. I believed and trusted people that let me down.  I expected more from others than they were ready to give.  In all of these areas, I have always set myself up for disappointments.  You may hear people say to "lower your standards and you won't keep getting disappointed", or "expect nothing, then you can never be disappointed".  I don't necessarily agree with that, but there is a piece to take from it. Lower your perception of what others are supposed to do for you, and make your own happiness.  Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.  Expect less from others and more from yourself!  I believe it is healthier to just be disappointed in yourself occasionally, than be disappointed by others all the time.  

When you are disappointed in yourself, you can do something to fix that. You have control over yourself, and no one can take that from you. There's a quote I read that I really like: Brad Warner says "Disappointmemt is just the action of your brain readjusting itself to reality after discovering things are not the way you thought they were."  This life, in no uncertain terms, and without sounding selfish, is about MY journey. We each get one life to make the most of.  We get some do-overs, but you never know when it's going to be your final try. We can travel different paths, join different religions, make a series of different friendships and aquaintances.  We have to choose the best for us with the information we know at any given time.  Life is a result of the choices you make. If you are disappointed with where you are in life, it is time to start making better choices. My own thoughts and choices are really the only solutions I see at this time for stopping the side of disappointment with every dish I am served in life.

I love bacon and eggs, but I am done with the all-you-can-eat disappointment or disappointment with free refills. It would sure be nice to replace that with some crispy hash browns, fluffy pancakes or bottomless coffee instead.  I think I'll start ordering differently, maybe from the grown-ups menu!  And if I'm served too much to handle on my own, I hope you will be there to share it with me.  I hate wasting a good thing. When we go out to eat together, please remind me of that.

Complimentary Coffee is the best

Are you comfortable enough with yourself to enjoy a compliment from someone, or does it make you doubt their sincerity and argue with them?  

I don't seem to be as concerned as I used to be with what others think of me now. However, I have found it easier and even enjoyable to receive compliments lately. I believe this directly corresponds with my own happiness. These days, I receive a compliment with a smile and usually one in return to the other person. I am happily living my life with my children, my job, my friends and my hobbies.  I am finding that the more energy I put into these areas, I'm am truly a happier person.  When I am a happier person, I draw in positive energy from those around me.  With that positive energy from others, I refill myself and can share the excess with others.  This usually comes out in the form of compliments, declarations of gratitude, heartfelt apologies, and deep musings about plans for the future. I feel like I am setting things straight and repairing any damaged relationships I've had in the past, and building stronger friendships for the present and future. 

When I am NOT comfortable with myself, or I spend too much time worrying about things beyond my control, I have problems receiving compliments, as well as no ability to give any either.  I used to have a negative comment about myself at the ready anytime i received praise. If someone liked my hair, I would complain about the length or color. If it was my clothing, I'd tell them it was old or I didn't like the way it fit my butt. I could become quite a miserable person actually.   You know it's bad when you don't want to spend time with yourself!

I've been feeling better and better about the direction my life is going, and while I still have an incredibly hard month ahead of me, financially and emotionally, I am at peace most of the time.  I consider myself to be extremely fortunate to have children who honor and respect me and love me, and friends who listen and don't judge.  Sometimes I even get to take on that role of nonjudgmental friend, and I LOVE IT.  I will be rich in experience in a variety of areas by the end of this journey through divorce, legal, physical, emotional and financial struggles.  I don't want to ask that question "What NEXT?", but seriously, it's hard to imagine many more things that I haven't had to deal with yet.  The death of a loved one.  That has not happened and I pray that it won't.  I have my limits, and it feels like I am quickly approaching them. I do not wish to temp fate and ask "What next".  

So, remember how nice it is to receive a compliment, and be that person that everyone looks forward to in the morning...the complimentary kind.  Tell someone today how wonderful they are. Hopefully they won't argue with you, and accept the compliment with grace and return one in favor. Now if my coffee would really be the complimentary kind...saving me money and starting every day telling me how great I look.  Double bonus!