Have you ever wanted something so much, and then gotten it and realized that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be? Craving a certain food for instance. You eat it and are left not feeling satisfied. Wishing for a relationship, or worse yet, for one to end, and then reality hits you square between the eyes and you're left with a big sense of failure? Why is it the things we so often look forward to, aren't really the things that are going to satisfy us at all?
This title was originally about something else entirely. I started writing on Sunday. I've erased everything I've written and started over no less than five times, probably even closer to ten.
It was a particularly hard day yesterday. I've been told by so many friends and aquaintances that they admire my strength and how well I'm doing through my divorce and starting a new chapter in my life...no, a new book actually. That other book is over. It was twenty plus years of my life, and I had to shut the book and put it back on the shelf unfinished. I am starting a new book. Some of the characters will be the same. Some have been written out of the story line but may pop up occasionally. There are bound to be new characters whose parts haven't been written yet. It will write itself as time progresses. But friends, I can tell you this...the cover of a book never tells the whole story. Sometimes you have to get deep into the story before anything makes sense. I am still on the first chapter and I have NO IDEA where it is heading. I am going to be just as surprised as you are.
The theme of my books seem to keep repeating themselves though. I'm not thrilled with this. Main character falls in love. Doesn't feel worthy...is told she is broken and needs fixing...doesn't feel treasured..."sabotages" relationships and pushes others away to somehow "protect" herself from getting hurt. In reality, she keeps hurting herself with her actions and decisions because she believed what she was told for so many years. She drank the kool-aid. It's quite a depressing story actually. It's plain to see from an outsiders perspective what is wrong with this picture.
There is another take on this, my explanation of how the story goes. Main character falls in love, she gives and gives everything away first before giving to herself. She knows her worth and fights to make other people see it too. Shuts down when she realizes this is getting her nowhere and she is exhausted fighting with why she isn't happy. Questions why anyone would want to be with her. Is disappointed constantly in herself and others. Knows she is worth more than what she allows herself to experience, and decides to open up and ..... this is where the story is right now ... AND WHAT?
The side of disappointment served with the bacon and eggs can be symbolic of so many different things in your life. Disappointment in yourself. Disappointment in others. Disappointment in a situation or a place in your life. A disappointing relationship. Sometimes the disappointment is a drink that is bottomless, and the server keeps your cup overflowing. Other days it's just a morsel of food on the plate that you can choose to consume or not. It can be the jelly on the toast that you have control over how thick it is spread. Disappointment comes in all shapes, colors, sizes and flavors.
What is disappointment?
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How can you fix disappointment? How do you make it go away? WHY do you get disappointed in the first place? I know my answer to WHY. I'm an optimist. I have high hopes for myself and for other people. I believed and trusted people that let me down. I expected more from others than they were ready to give. In all of these areas, I have always set myself up for disappointments. You may hear people say to "lower your standards and you won't keep getting disappointed", or "expect nothing, then you can never be disappointed". I don't necessarily agree with that, but there is a piece to take from it. Lower your perception of what others are supposed to do for you, and make your own happiness. Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them. Expect less from others and more from yourself! I believe it is healthier to just be disappointed in yourself occasionally, than be disappointed by others all the time.
When you are disappointed in yourself, you can do something to fix that. You have control over yourself, and no one can take that from you. There's a quote I read that I really like: Brad Warner says "Disappointmemt is just the action of your brain readjusting itself to reality after discovering things are not the way you thought they were." This life, in no uncertain terms, and without sounding selfish, is about MY journey. We each get one life to make the most of. We get some do-overs, but you never know when it's going to be your final try. We can travel different paths, join different religions, make a series of different friendships and aquaintances. We have to choose the best for us with the information we know at any given time. Life is a result of the choices you make. If you are disappointed with where you are in life, it is time to start making better choices. My own thoughts and choices are really the only solutions I see at this time for stopping the side of disappointment with every dish I am served in life.
I love bacon and eggs, but I am done with the all-you-can-eat disappointment or disappointment with free refills. It would sure be nice to replace that with some crispy hash browns, fluffy pancakes or bottomless coffee instead. I think I'll start ordering differently, maybe from the grown-ups menu! And if I'm served too much to handle on my own, I hope you will be there to share it with me. I hate wasting a good thing. When we go out to eat together, please remind me of that.
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