The Land of Un

I'm stuck in a very (un) place right now.  I am (un)motivated, feel (un)important, (un)loved, and I am very (un)happy.  There's still a lot of things I can't go into detail about, but I was supposed to be in court next week and that has been pushed out til June now. The stress of what's happening in our once "normal" family of six has finally taken it's toll on each of my four kids.  I feel like I've spent too much time with self pity and no time helping them get through their grief and seeing if they are doing all right.  It's like we've ALL been pretending everything is fine, and slowly the masks are being peeled off to reveal the ugly and no more rose colored glasses to conceal the destruction that has happened. 

Getting through my day is becoming (un)bearable. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to deal with people. I don't want to pretend to be so damn happy right now. I want to escape. I want to stop dealing with life in general and just check out for a while, and come back to a land of happiness. I want things fixed. I want my kids to stop having stomach aches and headaches and anxiety attacks and problems in school. I want them to stop hiding in their bedrooms and rejoin the living. I want the same for me. I miss the part of my life before the kids were hurt, broken, angry and felt betrayed by their parents.  I don't know how to fix that for them. Just when I don't think it is possible to cry any more tears, I find more. 

The absolute worst part of ALL of this is being alone. I don't recommend divorce for those of you who have a loving heart and soul. The exception to that are those who jump right into another relationship and set up shop.  I can't. I'm too much of a burden right now to pass what I'm going through on to someone else. It's bad enough dumping emotions onto someone via phone, but a full relationship with someone? I want it, but I think I'd drive them crazy with my (un)stable emotions. I have no one. I am alone and I hate it. I feel myself shutting down and it scares me. I have got to help my kids and be there to support them.  Tuck away my wants and needs and focus on them. I know things will get better eventually, but it feels so dark and lonely right now. 

I think I am finally grieving.  I'm grieving the loss of a spouse.  The loss of a built-in support system. The loss of security and a protector.  The loss of twenty two years of history with the same person. I don't think I've ever felt like this before.  I don't like it.  It's (un)comfortable. I want out of it and I want to get out quickly before the grief sucks me in like quicksand and I drown.  Please don't worry about me. That is NOT why I'm writing this. In fact it would make me happy NOT knowing who has read this.  I'm venting. I'm crying and throwing a fit and kicking my feet like a child complaining that life isn't fair. I don't deserve this. My kids don't deserve this. One persons actions shouldn't be able to cause so many people misery.

I have been on my own for just over eight months now.  I have never had this long of a span without a relationship from my very first junior high boyfriend until now.  It feels like an eternity to be alone. I miss holding someone's hand. I miss feeling secure. I miss being loved. I miss being important and being present in someone's life.  I know I have friends going through the exact same thing as me, and I wonder if they feel the same and we just aren't close enough to grieve together.  I know I've been (un)willing to let down my guard and let anyone see how weak I am.  I'm a mess, but at least I've come to terms with it and I'm not going to remain this way.

I don't know exactly how I'm going to accomplish pulling my shit together, but it starts now. Part of creating myself is seeing how truly broken down I am, and figuring out where to put the pieces.  I came (un)assembled. I already have everything I need to make me whole again.  Time and strength and patience will get me there. The only love I'm truly missing right now is from myself.  I've given myself permission to sulk and feel pitiful, but it's time to stop.  I've been missing out on some good things while I was checked into the pity party. Please don't give up on me. I'm looking forward to a lot of f(un) times and happy days ahead for my family and friends.  Just know I'm trying to move forward.

Someday I'm going to turn my (un)bearable into (UN)BREAKABLE

https://youtu.be/OqGrcxxEXLc