Emotional Maturity

In the last 24 hours, I have successfully run through all of these emotions... ALL OF THEM!

Considering there are 12 emotions listed, and 24 hours in a day, it would have been nice to equally divide my time with 2 hours in each mood.  INSTEAD, I had the joy of being stuck in just a couple of these with intermittent fleeting glimpses of the remaining emotions.  I can't specifically say who, what, when, where, or why I had the pleasure of experiencing this, but I'm glad I did.  

Yes, that's right. I appreciated everything I went through. I needed a wake up call.  Well, really it was more like a "stay awake" call.  I keep looking back on the past seven months with awe and wonder, amazed that I've made such huge strides in some areas of my life, yet disappointed I'm lacking in many others. I'm taking inventory of the areas I still see the need for improvement.  Emotional maturity is a pretty big area for me that needs work.  

It is one thing to be on an emotional roller coaster ride for twenty years, and a completely different experience to get off that ride and get on the teacups.  Even though the teacups sound tame, it's still a new sensation when compared with space mountain.  After twenty years, you know what to expect. You've been programmed to accept certain aspects of your life, whether you are happy with them or not. Life becomes pretty predictable.  The teacups however...the spinning, the thrill, the nausea, the laughs.  It is COMPLETELY different.  After being on this ride long enough, I'll get used to it.  I'll know what to expect.  I'll know how to handle myself and keep myself protected.  I'll know not to eat before I get on the ride.  

I've come to realize that along with everything else that is changing in my life, my emotions and thought processes also need to evolve, mature and grow.  In order to allow myself that freedom, I am going through a deprogramming process.  I am literally unlearning behaviors, unbelieving thoughts, purging sensory triggers, dumping negativity and emptying my mind of everything I used to believe, perceive and assume.  I should have done this a long time ago.

Just like the desire to acquire patience brings on a myriad of challenges in order to learn patience, the desire to gain a control over ones emotions must also bring on a rush of out of control emotions for us to practice with. Be careful what you want to improve with yourself.  I have a feeling it just presents more of the same trait testing trials of what you're attempting to fix.  I need to remember, one area of my life at a time please. I can do this. I'll be fine.  I'm always fine.  It's just another thing that takes time, and patience.  The story of my life right now.

My counselor should be proud of me. I'm finally exhibiting cracks in my wall of strength I constructed.  I'm more human now.  I also don't feel like I need to avoid people or more specifically, men in general. I am free to open up when I am ready. I know I'll eventually get there, but I'm not feeling a rush to push myself to that point. Another area that takes time, patience and the right emotional outlook.  I know what I want years down the road. The funny thing is, I'm ready for what I want for my future, I'm just not ready for the present.

So, while I am a work in progress, hang on and enjoy the ride with me. It won't be too bad, I promise.  Every day my highs are so much better and more prominent than the lows.

Calvin and Hobbes

I absolutely love days when everything I want to write can be expressed in pictures, and even better, through cartoons.
Have a beautiful day!

The wisdom of Calvin and Hobbes

Life is full of ups and downs.

Those ups and downs are harder if you don't express your emotions verbally.

Sometimes you want more than just happiness.

Enjoy the moment

Take time to star gaze.

You'll look back someday and finally get it.



There are days when you just need a big hug to make everything better.

You may not be something to everybody, but to somebody you are everything.

Spend your time wisely



Give it time, and you will see how much things have changed by this time next year.

Coolest Kids in the World

This post is dedicated to my four children, and my friends with children.
Adapted from a post from my daughter "Signs You Have The Coolest Mom In The World"

SIGNS YOU HAVE THE COOLEST KIDS IN THE WORLD

1. Your kids aren't embarrassed to have their friends around you.

2. They respect your role as their parent first, friend second.

3. Your kids will come to you with their problems because they trust you to listen.

4. They don't get embarrassed when you cheer them on, sometimes loudly, at their events.

5.  They let you in on their inside jokes.

6.  They stick around long enough for introductions to strangers and listen to you brag about them.

7.  They still ask you to do things that are inconvenient because they know you will do them.

8.  They call and check in with you because they know you worry about them, too much.

9.  They know how to behave and keep their word to earn your trust.

10.  They make mistakes and take correction as needed.

11.  They allow you to be a kid right along side them, and encourage your silly side.

12.  Other adults compliment your children's behavior in public.

13.  They have a wicked sense of humor, kinda like what you gave them.

14. Even when they are mad at you, you still know they love you.

15.  When asked who their biggest hero is, they reply "my mom" or "my dad".

16.  You can't imagine who you would be as a person if you hadn't had them.

17.  You get to see some of your best traits living on in them.

18.  They realize you are human and forgive you when you screw up.

I am truly blessed to see the above in combination throughout my four children.  I work hard to make sure they know I will always be their biggest fan and their protector.  I am so happy to see the hard work put into raising them is paying off.  I am nowhere near the end of parenting though...I'll always mother them.  I know this because I see how much I still depend on my own mother.  I'm incredibly lucky to still have her alive and a part of my life.  I have several friends who have been without their own mothers for many years, and I realize how much I take that relationship for granted.

I've noticed since I'm in a new house (not the house I lived in when I was married) I've had to create a feeling of home and provide a sense of security here as well.  It's a challenge doing so...being the provider, protector, peace-keeper, authoritarian and good cop/bad cop all at once.  There are times when I lack the sense of security and protectiveness that comes from having a man in the house.  I'm learning it's not that hard to get through those times.  It just takes me a moment to refocus and know that everything is going to be alright.  A lot of that sense of security comes from within.  The rest comes from having a friend that will remind you everything is going to be okay.  Being mom, being myself, is enough for my kids.  They trust me, they love me, and they know I always have their best interest in mind.

I have ended up having the kids more than half because of the school schedule and the fact we hate seeing them switch off houses in the middle of the week.  I know they are getting less time than they are supposed to with their dad.  It's not intentional for me to do that, and I do feel guilty about him not seeing them as much as he is supposed to be able to, but I know this stuff will work itself out.  I'm learning that in order to be important to your children, you do not have to be physically present every day.  I look at a lot of my friends in this situation.  Some go a full week or two weeks or more between custody.  Some won't see their kids for a month or more.  Does this make that parent any less important in their life? Absolutely not.  If anything, I think the time physically spent with your children becomes more important the less you see them.  I can relate this to my daughter Elaine in college.  I have only gotten to spend a few days with her since a year ago when I dropped her off in Coos Bay, Oregon.  A few days in August, November and December.  (Sorry if this is wrong Elaine)

There is always something going on in your kids lives.  When you see them daily, it's easy to keep up on or at least, feel like you know what's happening.  After a week away, there is a lot of news to catch up on.  After two weeks away, even more has happened and you may not hear about most of it, just the high or low points.  After a month, a disconnect seems to happen and you miss out on a lot of happenings and just get the major points.  Longer than a month and that's when things get weird for me.  I am thankful Elaine calls me and checks in and tells me events that are happening in her daily life.  Soon Emily will be graduating and off to college as well.  I am going to have twice the number of kids to keep up with, and still two at home to keep daily tabs on.

So, here's my advice... If your mother is still alive, call her.  Keep her updated on your life. Don't make her sit around a guess what's happening or worry why she hasn't heard from you.  If your mother has passed away, remember how much she meant in your life and go hug your own kids! Be present for them.  If they are not with you, call them and tell them you love them. (I'll call you in a little bit Elaine)  Either way, present or not, you are just as important to your kids, maybe even MORE important, than they are to you.  I forget this myself sometimes.  I get busy wrapped up taking care of daily tasks, and realize all they want sometimes is to hear I love them and I'm proud of them.  Of course I feel that way.  I just need to make sure they hear it more often.

And last but not least...

19.  Because they are YOUR KIDS, and seriously, why wouldn't they be cool? Look at yourself!

3 Ring Circus in my head

I'm ready to meet new people.  Not just meet them, but get to know them.  I don't want to have relationships with them, but if you truly believe the phrase above, about everyone passing through our life for a reason, then why not meet new people?  I don't think everyone we meet will provide a profound lesson.  I don't believe we have to even keep the people we meet in our lives for very long. "Passing through our lives" is an important part of the message above.  

RING ONE:

Having said that I am ready to meet new people, I am definitely not ready to date. Socialize, yes.  Group activities, yes.  Do I have a fear of intimacy? Maybe. Am I afraid of getting burned? Probably. Do I trust people? Not very many. Am I ready for a relationship? No. At the same time I am realizing how incredibly lonely I am when I don't have anyone around to talk to, or activities to participate in, or work to do.  I am a social creature. I also think I might be becoming a bit high maintenance.

RING TWO:

I want a lot of attention lathered on me, and I want to be the only one that person is paying attention to.  I miss holding hands and being held and having my hair brushed from my face.  I miss romance.  I haven't been in a relationship that I've gotten spoiled in since high school/college. That isn't how it works "these days".  Everybody out there seems to be getting to know two, three, four or more people and becoming friends with them all.  Everyone gets a piece of the attention pie.  Casual dating and even more casual hook-ups. Everybody seems to be keeping their options open for the next better thing that comes along, or at least the best person to fill the void for right now.  The people in the dating pool that I know are either not looking for anything serious, or who say they aren't, but hoping they can change the man's mind after screwing with him long enough. What the hell is going on? Is everyone having a commitment crisis or just afraid to get hurt again?  Or just self serving?  What am I expected to do? Jump on the bandwagon and become part of the casual dating pool, no-strings attached, love me and leave me?  While I'm waiting years for what I'm hoping will be a Mr. Right, let someone be my Mr. Right Now? 

RING THREE:

I have NO plans of marriage in the future.  I also have NO DESIRE to spend my life alone. I'm scared I'll be rejected and I'm afraid I am going to scare away every man that steps foot near me. I have been trained over my lifetime to be motherly. Now I am supposed to separate that out and learn to not be overbearing. I want my independence, but I also don't want so much that I feel insignificant to the person I'm with.  I want the other person to have independence, but I don't want to worry about trust.  I have too many insecurities still.  I am not ready for this new era of dating where there is a flavor of the week, or month, and everyone stays friends for life.  I think I have just come to the conclusion that I am definitely NOT ready to meet people. Or even spend time with people. I should probably steer clear of all men.  I will be making another appointment with my counselor for Friday.

Thank you for helping me work through that. 

Brought to you by the nagging voices in my head, the letter X and the number 33. Additional sponsors are doubt, insecurity and panic.

What do YOU want?

I spent all of last night and most of today with questions swirling around in my head, and the question of what I WANT was the biggest of them all.  This is a question that will have a different answer each time I am asked. Right NOW I want to go to sleep, but can't.  An hour ago I wanted ice cream.  Yesterday I wanted the answers to my life's mystery...where am I headed, how am I going to get there, and what will it look like when I arrive.  I WANT answers.  I feel like I NEED answers.  I can't handle the answers. 

Today I was able to talk through my thoughts and feeling with a friend and got what I wanted, and what I needed for the time being.  I'm not looking for answers anymore. I'm looking for the journey that will take me step by step through the next phases of my life.  I've recently taken enough time to analyze myself and the outrageous months I have been through.  I have been doing what I want (painting and dancing) and going where I want (Atlanta and Sandpoint) and spending time with who I want.  I've been keeping myself busy in order to avoid thinking about the real question that had been nagging me.  WHAT DO I WANT? What is my long term goal in my life after my kids are raised and it's just me out there?  

Before I can answer that big question, there's a little question to answer.  Am I happy? I am very lucky to be able to answer yes to that.  I have discovered that the reason I have been keeping myself so busy is my way to make sure I am doing things that make me happy. Here's the key to happiness:

You know, it really should be as easy as that.  If you're not happy, change something. It will be something different for everyone.  I want to make sure that the answer to that question of what I want will be answered with "I want to be happy".  I want to keep being able to answer yes to that question every day of my life. If ever I perceive that I am not happy, I will follow the chart above to get there. 

I know that if I keep choosing to stay busy with things that keep me happy, I will find what I need in all the other areas of my life.  I know the things that I need as well.  Friendship, trust, security, love, honesty and loyalty.  If anyone is lucky enough to find all of this with one person, I think they've hit the jackpot.  

I want to always say yes to the question, "are you happy?"

I want the jackpot.

Interviewing My Replacement

Hiring the help

Casting call for new wife

Interviewing my replacement

All possible chapter titles for the real life stories in the book I'm writing.  I have to say, I am full of all kinds of surprises.  I had no idea how much strength, composure, and positive energy I was made of.

I received an email from my ex's new girlfriend.  She wanted to reach out and get to know me, and let me get to know her.  I really wanted to share some of the questions asked in our series of correspondence, but I have chosen to refrain. As awkward as I thought it would be, I was able to reply to several emails and portray my feelings and concerns in a very mature and polite manner.  It was surprisingly easy to do since I am completely content with my life, and honestly wish that for my ex as well.  I am happy that my children will not be subjected to unnecessary conflict.

She did ask me if I had any tattoos. Turns out we both do, and the Ex hates tattoos. I laughed about that a little, because she is planning on getting more. I told her mine came in college, 23 years ago. I didn't do the math for her, I'm sure she did that on her own.  She would have been FOUR when I got my college tattoos.  Agh!!!  Also, when we got married, she was the same age as our flower girl. DOUBLE AGH!  I've come to terms with this.  I'm glad the Ex will have someone to take care of him as he grows older (she won't be growing quite as older).  I make jokes, but really I'm just glad he's put himself in line to raise another family, and I am within six years of getting mine through school and onto the next chapter in life.

I'm really looking forward to being a part in the lives of my adult children (two over 18 already) and continuing to help the younger ones choose their path and set goals for their future.  Daniel gets to register for high school next week.  He's playing freshman baseball this spring.  He will be old enough for drivers ed this summer.  Life seems to be moving ahead at full speed, and I am hoping I can keep up and enjoy the ride the whole time.  Before long, I'll be down to one at home, and then none.  Goals for my own future?  There's so many options.  As I'm helping my son plan for his, I should also start thinking more seriously about mine!  As for my immediate future, I plan on taking life one day at a time.  Tomorrow I am painting again, Sunday I am watching burlesque, and next week there's bunco. In between all those fun activities, there will be plenty of home cooked meals, baseball and track practices, homework, and lots of prayers. I'm happy I have so much to plan for, be grateful for, and new people to meet....even if one of those is my replacement.

Creating kindness

I don't feel the desire to write much, but I do want to share my inspiration and goal for today.

I have today off. I am prepared to perform random acts of kindness. 

And if all of the above isn't enough to get you motivated to be kind, this is your last resort:

I'd love to hear about your random acts of kindness today!