Emotional Maturity

In the last 24 hours, I have successfully run through all of these emotions... ALL OF THEM!

Considering there are 12 emotions listed, and 24 hours in a day, it would have been nice to equally divide my time with 2 hours in each mood.  INSTEAD, I had the joy of being stuck in just a couple of these with intermittent fleeting glimpses of the remaining emotions.  I can't specifically say who, what, when, where, or why I had the pleasure of experiencing this, but I'm glad I did.  

Yes, that's right. I appreciated everything I went through. I needed a wake up call.  Well, really it was more like a "stay awake" call.  I keep looking back on the past seven months with awe and wonder, amazed that I've made such huge strides in some areas of my life, yet disappointed I'm lacking in many others. I'm taking inventory of the areas I still see the need for improvement.  Emotional maturity is a pretty big area for me that needs work.  

It is one thing to be on an emotional roller coaster ride for twenty years, and a completely different experience to get off that ride and get on the teacups.  Even though the teacups sound tame, it's still a new sensation when compared with space mountain.  After twenty years, you know what to expect. You've been programmed to accept certain aspects of your life, whether you are happy with them or not. Life becomes pretty predictable.  The teacups however...the spinning, the thrill, the nausea, the laughs.  It is COMPLETELY different.  After being on this ride long enough, I'll get used to it.  I'll know what to expect.  I'll know how to handle myself and keep myself protected.  I'll know not to eat before I get on the ride.  

I've come to realize that along with everything else that is changing in my life, my emotions and thought processes also need to evolve, mature and grow.  In order to allow myself that freedom, I am going through a deprogramming process.  I am literally unlearning behaviors, unbelieving thoughts, purging sensory triggers, dumping negativity and emptying my mind of everything I used to believe, perceive and assume.  I should have done this a long time ago.

Just like the desire to acquire patience brings on a myriad of challenges in order to learn patience, the desire to gain a control over ones emotions must also bring on a rush of out of control emotions for us to practice with. Be careful what you want to improve with yourself.  I have a feeling it just presents more of the same trait testing trials of what you're attempting to fix.  I need to remember, one area of my life at a time please. I can do this. I'll be fine.  I'm always fine.  It's just another thing that takes time, and patience.  The story of my life right now.

My counselor should be proud of me. I'm finally exhibiting cracks in my wall of strength I constructed.  I'm more human now.  I also don't feel like I need to avoid people or more specifically, men in general. I am free to open up when I am ready. I know I'll eventually get there, but I'm not feeling a rush to push myself to that point. Another area that takes time, patience and the right emotional outlook.  I know what I want years down the road. The funny thing is, I'm ready for what I want for my future, I'm just not ready for the present.

So, while I am a work in progress, hang on and enjoy the ride with me. It won't be too bad, I promise.  Every day my highs are so much better and more prominent than the lows.