Who I Am

After you give this a listen, then you can continue reading...

So that's part of MY story right now.  No, I don't have a particular person in mind when it says "I was made for you" ...but someday...someday...I am going to feel like a million bucks, and I am going to feel like I was made for some one.  Right now I feel like about half a million (which is pretty phenomenal if you ask me!)  the rest of the song is spot on though. 

I have had a pretty surreal year.  I am enduring something right now regarding a legal issue that very few people know about. I am holding so much in, that if I really shared my stories, no one would believe me. I've sacrificed so much, conquered demons, faced fears, tackled problems, accomplished goals...so, so much...and yet I still have so much more to do. I have a perpetual smile on my face, hiding the ugliness that is contained inside still. I am not putting on a front...it is for protection.  For you to not see the real me yet. I don't have anyone else I want to tell, except the people who already know. 

This is who I am...

Brave, strong, determined, insecure, frightened, excited, depressed, fearless, restless, content and a mess. I have good days, bad days, fantastic days and terrible days. I feel loved and yet still very much alone. I long for a constant companion to complete me but need my independence and freedom so I don't give up control to someone who may hurt me. I want control, but I want someone to take care of me. 

Sounds simple enough doesn't it? 

This is WHO I AM. This is WHO I HAVE BECOME. This is not WHO I WILL BE TOMORROW. 

Tomorrow I will be mom, soothing the aches and pains of her children, sharing in their joys and laughter, cooking, cleaning, carrying on with the perpetual smile and ever ready sense of humor and sarcasm. I am that divorced woman who is doing quite well for herself. I am the woman with lines across her face, the one that will sacrifice time, love, money and self to feel that connection with you...only to find out, it's not there. 

Who I am, I am a little of everything...waiting, just waiting for a directional sign, ANY SIGN, to see where life's adventure will take me next.  Please, LIFE, be kind.

THE STORY - Brandi Carlile

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you

APPRECIATE THE BRUISES!

I started a post about bruises on July 25th, after going to the Train concert and being reminded of their song I used to listen to so many times. I just couldn't finish the post. I couldn't get the words right, and I didn't feel the message I was writing was complete. After this past week, I have realized the message I wanted to send finished writing itself. The message played out in my life all week. Life isn't about just getting bruised and banged up, and going through the healing process. Getting bruised comes in so many forms...some of them good even!

When I was about 4 or 5 years old, my body was covered in bruises. All. The. Time. No, I wasn't abused. I was LIVING. My mom and dad spent hours at a time outside with me, holding onto the back of my banana seat bike and steadying me as I was learning how to ride all by myself. I don't remember training wheels back then. We didn't have helmets or knee pads to protect us. What I do remember was peddling maybe two or three rotations and falling down. OVER and OVER and OVER again. I would pick myself up off the ground, get back on my bike, and repeat the process for what seemed like hours. At night, before bed, I would inspect my new "polka dots" covering my arms and legs. Sometimes I would even poke at them to see how bad they hurt. (You can't say you've never done this to a bruise, I still do!) I was proud of those dots. I was active. I was learning something new. I was having the time of my life. I finally learned how to ride that bike, and even after mastering it at a young age, I would still occasionally peddle so fast that my foot would slip off the peddle and I would get the nasty razor sharp edge of the peddle slammed deep into the flesh right above my ankle. Those peddles had TEETH on them. You remember? So I would end up with cuts and bruises on both ankles or shins, even AFTER I knew how to ride like a pro. I don't remember complaining much about getting my body banged up. It was part of the process, and at that age, bruises were proud distinguishing marks about how much fun you were having.

If you've known me for any length of time, I'm sure you've seen bruises on my body. I still get them. OFTEN. I am not the most graceful person sometimes. During my week in Louisville, Kentucky with Emily and several others from SkillsUSA this summer, I left the amusement park with some HUGE bruises...thanks to getting slammed into the side rails of rides, and just running into random things at the park.Yes, I even poked at a really big one on my leg to see the depth of pain associated with it. These bruises were well earned. I had a blast that day. Right now I am sporting some serious bruises on my legs from dancing last weekend. Again, bruises gained in fun and well worth the ugly marks. My friend Sylvia is a pole artist. She is covered in bruises from her workouts. She has earned every single one of them.They are badges of distinction she has earned through hard work and determination. I just joined Inner Diva again, and am positive I will be earning many more bruises once I start up classes again this weekend. I want every one of them to mean something. I'm learning, I'm growing, and I will be getting stronger.

Now let me bring up the bruises you can't see me covered in. Internal bruising. Heart damage, pride, self esteem, and ego. Other people can't see these marks that have been inflicted. Some are self inflicted, others were caused by actions or words from others, just like external ones that come from actions of others. These "dots" can't be seen, but they can still be felt, and poked at, just like the black and blue ones. Sometimes we choose to continue to poke at ourselves and see the level of pain each one may cause. These seem to heal slower than the visible ones. But, you know what? You don't have to poke them. The less you poke, the faster they heal. You know how each one got there. You also know that it's just a temporary wound that will go away if you leave it alone. Appreciate the reason you got it, acknowledge the source, and let the healing process take care of itself. Others aren't aware of these because they aren't showing on the surface. It doesn't make them any less real. But again, I want every one of these bruises to mean something too. I'm learning, I'm growing, and I'm getting stronger...mentally and emotionally.

I love my bruises. I am who I am because of the hardships, the injuries, and the FUN that caused every single one of them. I'm not done getting bruised either. Life isn't over...it's just beginning for me. I still feel like I am at a point in my life where I am just learning how to ride that banana seat bike. There is a lot of life ahead of me that is new and yet to be experienced. But this post isn't all about me...I need my children to understand about bruises as well. 

My oldest daughter is moving from Oregon to California next week, and chances are, she will be bruised from head to toe soon. My second oldest will be saying goodbye to her high school sweetheart when he leaves for college next week and she stays here to finish her last semester of college for her associate degree this winter. She will be bruised emotionally for a while as well. I need them both to appreciate these "dots" and grow from the experiences. I feel for them. I know there will be pain, fear and uncertainty in their lives for a while. But that is how we grow. We leave our comfort zone, and the goal is to come out the other side a stronger person. I pray they both learn this with grace and support from those around them. My son will be entering high school, quite possibly without his father in the same state. He bruises easily as well...both physically and emotionally. For a teenage boy, I can only imagine it won't be as "cool" to have the bruises that are invisible, even though he would brag for days about visible injuries. My youngest daughter is already covered with internal bruises. I'm so glad she will be leaving tomorrow for five days of church camp. She needs to learn, from someone other than me telling her, that she has the ability to heal quickly. She hasn't been permanently damaged by the events of the past year. All of them will hopefully look back someday and appreciate their bruises...every single one of them will have been earned for a reason.

I am happily bruised. I'm living life. I have marks to prove it. I am looking forward to more bruises in my future. I am going to push myself to accomplish things that really will leave physical marks, and I'm pushing myself to open up emotionally, putting myself at risk for more invisible bruises. There are events in life looming right around the corner that will be painful...parents are aging, good health is not a guarantee, and every day is uncertain what challenges we may face. So for now, I will appreciate everything in my life. Even my banged up arms and legs, heart and ego, and smile at the fact that I am living..life..to the fullest. I hope you are too. We all need to remember not to poke at our "dots" too much. They will heal with time.

Un-traditioning : reprogramming the new normal

Happy 6th of July

I couldn't write for a while. I'm so happy with my life right now, so please don't mistake what I have to say with anything other than just being real. There's a lot around this time of year that is messing with my head and my heart.

For about 6 of the past 10 years, there was a fourth of July potluck in the front yard of the "big house" (that's the house we all lived in) that I hosted with the help of a couple of neighbors. Everyone would bring a side dish, and whatever meat they wanted to grill and their lawn chairs. We would bring our big grill around front, set up folding tables and coolers of drinks and everyone would set up chairs all over our yard. This would start around 6:30pm, and we would all sit and eat and visit and laugh for hours until it became dark enough to move all the chairs behind our house in a common area "the track" to set off fireworks. One of our neighbors used to spend WAY TOO MUCH money on illegal ones. He was a widower, and just loved these gatherings. Last fourth of July was our first gathering without him (he passed away prior to the new year of 2014). After the display, everyone would help gather things up and life returned to normal. For those few hours, we were all completely carefree and happy. One year the sprinklers in the common area behind our house came on while we were lighting off fireworks and got everybody wet. I remember these things like they were yesterday.

FAST FORWARD TO THIS YEAR:

The EX was the one who loved lighting off fireworks with the kids. Even when he was on duty, he would make it a point to stop by. Several years his shift rotation allowed him to be off work completely. This year he is in Minnesota with his girlfriend and her two small kids celebrating the fourth and looking for a job. My oldest is in college in Oregon. Second oldest spent it at her boyfriends house and Ann Morrison park. Son was playing in a baseball tournament earlier in the day then stayed home with the dogs to make sure they weren't getting too scared and played video games all night online with a friend. Youngest went to her cousins house and set off lots of fireworks and had a BBQ. I watched my son play baseball, then went back to watch the late game because I didn't want to be at my house alone. Then I finally went to a girlfriends house and hung out with snack plates, drinks and we surfed dating websites. My son never lit a single fireworks this year. The cul d sac has changed...more people have moved out besides just me this year...and the tradition just stopped. Like I said...I love my life. I am happy. I hate that traditions effect me so much and I'm pained by watching my kids recognize the amount of upheaval in their lives. But I made it through the fourth and then the fifth arrived...

JULY 5, 2015

Emily called me in the morning to let me know one of our dogs needs to see a vet. She was on her way to work and I just assured her everything would be OK with the dog, etc . I had a lazy morning drinking coffee in bed and was still doing nothing when my phone rang and it was Emily's number. I had a sick feeling when answering, and sure enough, it was a paramedic letting me know they were transporting emily to the ER after she had a seizure at work. There's a lot of emotions and memories triggered when Emily has a seizure.  She was released same day and came home and had her boyfriend come keep her company. We have dealt with Emily's seizures for 18 months now, and about to start again with a cardiologist and neurologist to see if there's any new information. But this time, I'm doing it alone, uninsured, and without the emotional support of another adult in my life.

So Happy July 6th. I needed to vent. I'm sad, im lonely, I'm worried about all my kids, I'm worried about my new normal life ahead of me, and I'm trying to un-tradition each holiday, special occasion and family function so I can start to reprogram a new kind of normal for us.

As negative as all of that sounded, here is the reality of my life right now:
I have more self confidence than I have EVER had as an adult.
I see my children being resilient and forgiving and accepting.
I have more appreciation for the small things in my life.
I am meeting new experiences head on and with all of my enthusiasm.
I have brought new friends into my life and I can see the benefits each one of them offer me, and hope I find what I can help them with in their lives.
I realize I have a lot of love to give, and I can do it without protecting myself so much.

Thank you for being part of my life, even if you only read my blog and we never talk. I hope you take a little of my advice when I remind you of this one thing...don't get so wrapped up in tradition that you become disappointed if circumstances change. New traditions can develop, a new normal can be created, and the best tradition for any gathering is to remember everything you have to be grateful for.

MOVIES, SONGS and A PICTURE OF ME - Days 8, 9 & 10

Day 8 Three movies

1. Benny and Joon - I watched this at a time in my life when someone close to me was struggling with some mental/emotional problems. Besides Johnny Depp and Mary Stuart Masterson being awesome in this, the soundtrack included the Proclaimers... "I would walk five hundred miles, and I would walk five hundred more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door." This was what I wanted in my man that I did not yet have.

2. Sixteen Candles - The end scene, candlelight dinner, and Thompson Twins song "If You Were Here" starts playing.
"Happy Birthday Samantha, make a wish."
"It already came true."

3. Top Gun - "take me to bed or lose me forever." ~ Enough. Said.

Day 9 Two Songs ( I can't do just two)

1a. The Story - Brandi Carlile (I will belt this mother out if given the chance!)

  b. Wouldn't it be Good to be in your shoes - Nik Kershaw


2.  Green Eyes - Coldplay (so glad I was introduced to this Coldplay song. I'd like to think its about me)

Day 10 One Picture of Me

2:10 am

June 12, 2015

Vacation commences in mere hours. I am about to have the best time of my life thus far.

BOOKS - Day 7

Ugh, worst category for me. I am more of a trashy romance novel reader. I certainly can't list the last four books I read and look any type of intelligent! With that being said, I also really enjoy getting a great book started, and then reading it all night long until I find myself staying up all night in order to finish it. I did this with at least one book in each of the following series:

1. Hunger Games (entire series) 

2. Twilight (entire series)

3. Fifty Shades (entire series)

4. Divergent (entire series)

Yep, they have all been made into movies. Proud to say I read them ALL before that ever happened. It was fun having a daughter that was giving me suggestions on what to read. (DOES NOT APPLY TO FIFTY SHADES!) Maybe a few vacations from now I will have read more intelligent books. These served their purpose though. I escaped. They were pretty mindless and light reading which is a lot of what I needed at the time...

So the best part is, someday I will get to list my own books as some of my favorites. I just need to live a little more so I know how to end the first of the trilogy. 

FOODS - Day 6

I am going to try to be fair to the food groups here, and give you something from each one that I feel I couldn't live without. I can't list my favorite in each, because they change often.

I like food. I don't love it, but I like it a lot. Its not about sitting down by myself and pigging out at all. It is the pleasure of using food as a social focal point with others, mainly as a celebratory device. My problem is, I've had a LOT to celebrate lately, and therefore, over the course of 8 months, I have gained additional curvature. I'm in the process now of chiseling away at my fine sculpture, and reconnecting with what is under the outer layers. So, while I am thinking of how hungry I am for breakfast I'll get these foods written out and then be on my way to make eggs and ham.

VEGETABLES

I LOVE a good salad. Not talking iceberg, cabbage, carrot mix. Spinach, walnut, strawberry and chicken is one of my favorites. Kale mixed in there is great too. I find that the best kind of salad is always one that I didn't have to take the time to make. The preparation of salads drives me bonkers.

FRUIT

Peaches and Huckleberries.

No not necessarily mixed together, but it's a tie as to my favorite. Both are very much a seasonal problem in Idaho too. I'll eat them fresh, but as with everything healthy, there are hundreds of ways to add sugar and fat and carbs to them and transform something natural into a calorie laden, delicious dessert. Pie and cobbler would be two favorites for both of those fruits. 

GRAIN

Steel cut oats. I found a recipe for refrigerator oatmeal, and it is amazing. Put all ingredients together at night in a mason jar, stick in fridge. In the morning, it's ready to eat. I don't like so many carbs right off the bat, so it's a mid morning snack for me, but what an easy meal. I also will use oatmeal in tuna fish. Most people never notice. It's great to absorb the excess liquid, and with dill added, the oats don't change the flavor at all.

PROTEIN

Chicken. The beer chicken recipe I got from a friend is my new go to for easy chicken preparation. But beyond that, I still have 20+ ways I love to prepare it. Grilled, shredded in a crock pot, baked, fried, stuffed, stir fried...you name it, I've probably tried it with chicken. 

DAIRY

Cheese. This is my diet downfall right here. This is where my excess fat is derived from. I'm not a big sugar or chocolate fan. I'm also not a big ice cream eater. But cheese....oh goodness. If I had to remove dairy from my diet completely, I don't know how long my willpower would last. I try to stick with lower fat options like string cheeses and cottage cheese now. However, the richer and more aged the cheese is, the more I am intrigued by it.

I really hadn't planned on today's blog turning out like this. When listing five of my favorite foods, how does really good Chinese takeout not make the list? What about Eggs Benedict? This was a hard list for me to narrow down. I guess I am glad that I have more favorite FOODS than I do FEARS.

PLACES - Day 5

I get to only list six places? How can I narrow it down to that?

1. AUSTRALIA. My Uncle Bill Wallace and cousin Kevin have lived in Australia for almost 50 years. Kevin has only been to the United States twice and I have never met him.  My Uncle Bill is in his 80's and I only met him once, when he flew to California on a military hop and then hitchhiked to North Idaho and stayed with us for a few weeks. That man was full of stories. To see my dad with one of his brothers was a huge treat. I feel sorry for their mother, whom I never met. She raised five sons. All of them have traveled world wide, mostly while serving in the military.

2. JAMAICA. I could possibly tackle this location through a dental mission trip later in 2015. I need to raise the money to cover the costs first. It is two days of travel and four or five days of providing underprivileged children with dental treatment. I have heard there is not a lot of personal time on these trips, but I feel it would be personally rewarding, maybe even more so than just a vacation.

3. IRELAND / WALES / SCOTLAND. The land of my ancestry. I would like to find and visit the Wallis Castle, and spend a considerable amount of time tracking down landmarks that were important in our family. It's too bad my dad won't be traveling anymore. He would have loved to go on this trip.

4. TAHITI. I was fortunate to work at the Polynesian Cultural Center during college at BYU-Hawaii in 1991-1992. I worked as a hostess at the Ali'i Luau, and every night after work the employees were allowed to watch the Night Show as long as there were seats available. I think at one point, I had the show memorized and could have been a stand it for the female dancers. I was learning the Poi Balls, and had the Hula down pretty well for a white chick. The Tahitian dancers, and their culture in general, was always my favorite. I know that if given the opportunity, Tahiti would be a place I could live long term.

5. THE REST OF THE FIFTY STATES. Okay, so this is an easy way to sneak in more than 6 places. I have only been to 18 of the 50 states (plus Washington DC - so 19 out of 51 locations). I will be adding 5 or 6 more just this summer alone! I have a road trip coming up tackling a MAJOR bucket list item just next week! It will take me through Tennessee, Kentucky, Indiana, Illinois and Ohio. Don't worry, I will tell you all about it after I return and have pictures to accompany my stories! My dental office will be going to Florida in July for additional BOTOX training, and Emily and I will be spending a week in Kentucky for a competition she is in for SkillsUSA. If I am able to keep going at this rate, it won't take too long to see this one accomplished!

6. FRANCE. I mean, this has to make the list. Who wouldn't want to visit Paris? Did I take two years of French in high school for nothing? This is more like a token destination for my list, because yes, I have always wanted to do this. In high school, I gave up my opportunity to go on a two week exchange to France in order to participate in the Jr Miss Scholarship program. I ended up winning the title of Sandpoint Jr Miss, but looking back on it now? I probably should have traveled :)

There are so many more places I need to add to my list after I get these locations conquered. Costa Rica, Belize, Mexico (just to say I've been there), Tonga, New Zealand...I could go on and on. I officially have been bitten by the travel bug. Now I need to find a way to finance these adventures! (If someone reading this has the means to travel to these locations, and just needs some company, I am willing to be taken along as a travel companion as well...just sayin')