THE BEST GIFT

It has been a long time since my last heartfelt blog. I've started and deleted no less than ten entries between the last one in November and now. Many life altering events have happened, and I believe I'm in the midst of yet another one. I feel like I've suddenly become this self righteous female that is on a truth crusade. I'm fighting all injustices regarding emotions, friendships, love and honesty.  This is not my battle to fight for anyone else besides me though. Why can't I just let others be, and conserve my energy for those who I don't need to fight for?

Example... My youngest daughter. There were some issues with her posting on social media things that were inappropriate and untrue. Solution...she got called out on it. There were big discussions about consequences from many different angles. She lost her devices, closed accounts, has much more adult supervision and hopefully understands the reasons behind the big changes in her life.  This was worth fighting for. This was hopefully a life lesson she will always carry with her. I hope she chooses honesty and self respect in the future...sure, there will be bumps in the road ahead, there always are...but for the majority of the decisions she makes, I want her to have honesty instilled as one of her values. This is a parenting job, a lesson to also be taught by example, and one that I will fight for EVERY TIME. 

You know what else is worth fighting for? YOU. Yourself. Your own self respect, your heart, your values and integrity. Don't allow others to belittle you, to take away your faith and trust in mankind, to treat you with less respect than you deserve. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated, to be lied to, or to be used for a way to pass time until the next best thing comes along. 

I have always been a people pleaser. This started in junior high, continued throughout high school, perfected in college, and then learned in marriage to tiptoe on eggshells and keep the peace for the children we were raising. After our divorce, and lots of counseling, I began to recognize how little I valued myself. I have spent the last year focusing on surrounding myself with individuals that I have been able to have candidly open and honest conversations with. I think it's easy to do when people are sharing negativity, ranting about divorce, or trying to form bonds with someone new. I always assumed what I was hearing was the truth, because I knew I was telling the truth. Looking back on it, I think I was fed a lot of bull. I'm getting better at connecting with my intuition and BS detector, and am genuinely starting to question my core group of acquaintances. 

I've learned that I am an open book.  I will tell you the truth about 100% of my life. If I don't have a strong connection with you, I may not share certain aspects with you, but I won't lie to you about them either. I will just withhold personal details until I feel I can trust you. I've also learned that I genuinely want to trust everyone. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I assume there is no motive to hurt me, because you are an adult and have the same values as I do. I am in no way claiming to be perfect. I have not always been honest. I have not always been faithful. But I did go through some heart wrenching times during my marriage that completely opened my eyes and changed my behavior for the better. I vowed to myself, which is more important than promising someone else, to stop lying...for ever. It is now physically impossible for me to lie. It was that traumatic of an experience. 

I have learned that behavior can change (most often it's only temporary) but your character is unchangeable. During very stressful times, I find myself slipping into old behavior patterns. I have to stop and remind myself every two to three days, or publicly call myself out and get help from my friends with accountability. I believe the people I've surrounded myself with all have stellar character, but some haven't taken time to examine their motives, actions and values lately. With the end of the year approaching, and a new one about to begin, it's a perfect time for self reflection and inventory.

It is my personality to be open and honest. I usually follow that up with "to a fault", but I am no longer going to look at it that way. It is a gift. I have been given a gift to feel deeply, love unconditionally, to be open with emotions and to help heal people that need healing. I would like to think that I can teach others that it is okay to open yourself up, to risk rejection in lieu of false hopes for the future, and to love yourself enough to let others see your flaws and shortcomings. I don't want perfection...there is no such thing. I want to be able to see honest, real, open, vulnerable and dependable qualities in you. I want you to see those qualities in me as well...without having to dig deep.

I know many of my best qualities have been intensified due to experiences I have been through in life. Maybe the people I'm counting on haven't experienced what I have, in order to gain perspective on their own value system. All I can do is continue to be me...like it or leave it...I won't change or shut myself down, because as painful as it might be to possibly get rejected by someone, it will be so worth it when I do find my circle of people to trust. 

The best gift I can give you is me...my humor, my excitement for life and adventure, my love for my family, my sense of wonder in the beauty of nature, my open mind and open heart, and my honesty and trust.

A clean slate...for someone

I've been absent a while... Metaphorically speaking and physically absent as well.  I'm back...in both ways. I guess I needed some time to process the loss of a job, the loss of direction for a while, the uncertainty of my future, and a bunch of junk that just wanted to bubble up to the surface. I can't wait for all of that to resolve before writing again, because life just isn't ever going to be perfect, or calm, or convenient, so I will just make room for getting my words out and accomplish this task of sharing again. 

Sometime this week my kids' dad is coming back into town. He has been out of state for two months, but hasn't physically spent any time with them for closer to three months. I am in close to panic mode about this, mostly because he's not coming home to stay.  He's coming to visit, say hi to his children, spend his birthday here with his parents and sisters (and kids I guess?) then pack up his truck and drive to Minnesota to begin his new life.  I get it. He's moving on. I am happier than ever that he's found something to lift him out of his depression he's been suffering, and can make a new start and get back on his feet. My one issue...it comes at the expense of his kids. 

I know, I know...kids are resilient. It is my job to protect them and reassure them this decision has nothing to do with them...he's not abandoning them, he's not giving up on them, he's not replacing them with "her kids", I know how to keep everything positive about him in their eyes. I absolutely have no intention of souring the relationship between father and child. BUT...I will not accept responsibility for what his decision creates in their mind. I am beside myself about this, and I have issues with men in general that make this move and discard their children. I get it...there are definite reasons that this has to happen in some cases...I just can't figure a way to justify it in my head. 

I know plenty of divorced men and women that have figured out how to work things out while keeping the welfare of their children as TOP PRIORITY. As bad as my divorce was...let's recap...my arrest and jail time, his loss of job, complete change in financial status, etc...the main focus every moment of every day was making sure the kids were taken care of and we were working on doing things for their benefit. I don't have to be his best friend, but I refuse to be the enemy as well. I've known him for 23 years, and was married to him for 20. I didn't think a year ago that we would be talking civil..but we are. Maybe some of that is because he is 1400 miles away and I don't have daily interaction with him. 

My other deep seeded resentment for his actions? He walks away and starts a new life. Leaves the pain, hurt, embarrassment of his past behind. He can stuff it all down deep where it will fester and come back to haunt him in time, but for the moment...can start with a clean slate. Guess where that leaves the mom (me)?  Dealing with the pain, hurt and embarrassment of the past, both in my life and in each one of our kids. It was bad enough being cheated on and lied to, but now we are all being discarded too? It's like a double whammy, slap in the face, and a big F You. Where's my clean slate, fresh start and new life?  Oh, I have it. I'm creating it. But MINE is centered around my kids. So forgive me if you think some of my actions appear self centered, but there may be times I need a breather...to step back and take a short break from holding everything together with a very weak glue. I'm new at this. I'm trying to preserve my sanity, my kids trust for adults, and restore their faith in love and marriage. I've got my work cut out for me.

As far as future relationships go...I can't commit to anything right now except my family. If I let you in to my family unit, you are being entrusted with a HUGE honor of possibly becoming a role model for my children. This in itself is a massive role, and not one to be taken lightly. I'm not looking for a new daddy for them. I'm not looking for a husband for me. I am looking for a sounding board, a friend, an entertainer...just someone that can interact in a positive light and help restore some of that trust and faith in adults for my kids. Someone to reassure me that I am doing okay...that I have good kids...or if you see a looming potential problem, you are able to call it like you see it and help me figure out a solution before it's too late. 

Who I let around my kids and who I spend my time with shouldn't be two class of people. I have to put some of my own wants and needs aside if necessary and purely focus on the kids ...this last year I've been very selfish and self preserving. That time is over now...I made it through the toughest parts of this situation...time to turn to my children and help them through their tough time right now.

I don't want this post to offend or confuse anyone, I'm withdrawing for a while, from a lot of areas, until I know my kids can get through this shift of seeing their dad move out of state and all of us move back into the house they grew up in. Yes'm that's right...renting from the ex...keeping his house occupied and having the kids back in the neighborhood and where they are comfortable. That is going to do a number on me mentally and emotionally, but again...kids best interests in mind, not mine. 

I'll get through this...my kids will get through it...like EVERYONE has been telling me, kids are resilient, right!? 

Feel free to wish me luck, and keep my kids in your prayers. I think they deserve a clean slate too, or at least a chance to not have their current slate covered with a bunch of crap.

Six Week Clean Life Challenge - Tony Cress Personal Training

I overcame my biggest obstacle today...THE BEGINNING...STARTING and FINISHING DAY ONE WORKOUT.

I know that sounds silly, but I woke up at six, and the first thought in my head was "I don't want to do this". But then I remembered my five reasons why I am doing this challenge, and I remembered that today was the easiest day, so I just needed to get it done.

Even after the positive self talk, I didn't feel like moving. I fixed breakfast for the kids, got Daniel off to his zero hour class at 6:50, then came home, got into my workout clothes, and fell back to sleep. I could've worked out then, but I didn't want Liz to hear/see me. I took Liz to school at 8 and decided I needed to face my workout demon. I texted my boss that I would be in by 10.

I grabbed my shoes and socks, and set up my living room with a bench for the mtn climber push-ups and some weights for the jump squats. I need to buy a kettle bell. I began the workout at 8:19am. At the end of round one, I think I took a four minute break. Immediately after, I thought there was no way in hell I would finish two more rounds. I thought horrible, negative things about myself. "How did you let yourself get in this shape?" "This is disgusting and embarrassing, you can't walk into a gym like this" "you are so fat that can't even breath in this position"..and worse.

When I got my composure back, I convinced myself another round would not kill me, and I would just get all three done and feel better eventually. I drank a ton of water and started round two. During the burpees, I had to slow it down a little and focus more on good form and slow and steady.  End of round two, more water and maybe a three minute break. It was taking me a long time to recover my breathing.

Last round high knees looked slow motion, mtn climbers were awkward, the lunge squat with side leg were still good, butt kickers slow-mo, burpees were really slow and steady, jump squats made me super dizzy and the kettle bell swing made me realize I was at the end of the workout and I survived it.

My heart rate was about 180 at the very end. I was wheezing and there was more negative self talk about how out of shape I am. I gave myself a little credit for pushing through, but I was still not happy with myself. But then something hit me.

This is the last day that I will feel this negative about myself. Because from this day forward, I will be improving. I got through the worst of it. I STARTED.

*Michelle and I met Tony Cress in Jackpot, NV this past weekend. Yes, he was part of the entertainment...but all of those men that perform together are also successful businessmen. I am tackling this challenge with every ounce of commitment and determination to win. And by win, I mean to make some serious life changes. That is winning.

Overcoming Insecurity

I think it's pretty natural for humans to be insecure, to a certain extent. I can only speak for myself at the moment though. It's 4:45am and I am wide awake. Thankfully, I have today off work and I only have grocery shopping to get done. I'll sleep later. Right now I am spending time examining my troubling feelings that are keeping me from sleep. 

I was reminiscing with a friend tonight what an awful year my 40th year was, then after some of the worst moments of my life, my 41st year ended up absolutely amazing. Now I'm 42. I look back two years ago at all the insecurities I had...mostly things I was told were wrong with me...and see the growth I've had. I have gained so much confidence since my divorce, yet I still get the unwelcome visits periodically from Insecurity that makes me doubt myself. 

I'll throw these out there so I don't skirt around the issues: 

I don't want to be alone. Outside of immediate family, I don't feel important to anyone. I want to mean the world to someone. I want someone who is in love with me, not just loves me (there's a difference). I worry that I will scare people away when I start showing my serious, emotional side. (I'm great company when my guard is up) I'm afraid I will be everyone's best friend and sidekick, but not relationship material. I'm also afraid I don't want any of the above, just miss the feelings associated with it all! 

I don't know why I'm rushing myself to have my life figured out right now. I have plenty of time, I hope. I have just been plagued with this feeling of urgency in several areas of my life. I don't want to waste time. I want to make every moment count, and if I don't know where my path is taking me, I'm finding myself filled with anxiety and impatience. I want answers. I want security. I want a lot that I can't even put a finger on and give a name to it. 

According to this chart, I am doing well in the confidence area. My insecurities have less to do with myself as a person, and more to do with my future in general. I'm self talking my way through this as I write, and it just became clear to me that is what is troubling me. I am a confident person. See the chart below:

So now that I have accepted the fact that I'm okay, and it's the fear of my unknown future, I can work on other things, like patience and using my time wisely. Also, in taking time to figure out what I want. Here are a few things that I know already...

(I don't agree with parts of that second paragraph...I don't have self-hate or worry about what others think of me...but I can be clingy and I am a hopeless romantic at heart!)

So, I'm doing okay I think...I am capable of showing and receiving love. I know when I'm being treated poorly, and it's my choice to accept that treatment or walk away with my head held high. I tend to relate a lot of my emotions and memories to music, and this particular song puts those feelings into words...if this was being sung to me by the person I want to hear it from, because I will feel the same way in return... This isn't the radio version...which makes it even better for my heart. 

The person who gets me is going to be really damn lucky. 

Thank you for following along with me on my self therapy session.

Here's the radio version of Lee Brice's song (by the way, I got to hear this live, at his concert, falling in love with it)

It's not about Creating...it's about Discovering

I reached another milestone today, and had a break through epiphany. Since I started blogging, the title of it has been "the creation of Ms. Wallace". For some reason, today I looked at the photo I posted of me one year ago and realized, I have not created anything. I'm on a journey of discovery.  I've been created already...I was born. I was raised. Creation happened through science. Discovery is a personal journey everyone gets to choose. Some people probably never discover who they are or why they are here. I fully intend to.

In this last year I have had many adventures, accomplished several large "bucket list" items, taken risks and performed on stage in front of hundreds of people collectively. I have struggled with my identity, confidence, value, and worth.  I've met some people who have made me feel more valuable, and some who have tried to make me feel worthless. I have finally learned to take control over my circle of trust, and I'm slowly deciding who I want to keep close to me. I'm still struggling with seeing those few that are there only because I won't release my grasp on them. Others are just coming into my life now, and I'm taking time to decide their meaning and placement. I can honestly say, the people I have come back in contact with from my past have all had a reason to appear again, while some of the new friends I have made in the last year will likely be more important to me than I could have imagined.

This next year ahead, if I am granted to be kept on this earth still, will be epic. I have lofty goals, backed by solid plans of how to accomplish them. I have so much ahead of me, so much to experience and accomplish. There are a few more big bucket list trips, some great concerts, sporting events, and amazing friends to enjoy spending time with. 

While it appears that I am submersed in discovering myself, be aware I have a laser focus on my children. They are starting to notice that I am okay. They see my optimistic outlook in the middle of some very bleak situations. They have seen me sacrifice pride and reach out to help someone who hurt me deeply. I am trying every day to handle myself with grace and dignity when it comes to our family situation. I've been called out for blogging certain aspects of the last year, but I am pretty comfortable with the generalities I write in. I've tried to protect both the innocent and the guilty parties. My kids, they are amazing. I love them with every fiber of my being. I would fight to the death for each of them. I have a protective instinct that I wasn't aware of since becoming a single parent. I am now the fierce one that would lay down my life if needed. I discovered that has always been a part of me, I just never thought it would be needed. Our family had a protector...he was a Marine, a police officer, a husband and father. Now that it's gone, I have a role to play that is just now manifesting itself. It is down deep, I have just realized it's there waiting to be developed. It's the same place that holds the determination and drive to workout, get in the best shape of my life, and become a warrior goddess. It's up to me to discover my inner strength.

I hope you all can follow with me and watch the evolution and discovery of Ms Wallace. It's going to be a real adventure. If I can inspire just one person to become a better version of themself, or convince someone of their amazing worth, or lead by example on how to live an honest life, this journey will be more than worth it.

Labor Day and Lies

Labor Day weekend will always be somewhat "memorable" to me. Last year, Labor Day fell a little earlier...the Friday before was August 29th. It was on this day that I was in a physical altercation with my now ex-husband, and I spent 4 nights in the county jail with a broken left hand. I won't go into details, but I was holding his phone and he wanted it back. Prior to that, I read some things on his phone that made me lose my shit and hit him with his baseball hat. Yep, it was a two way street. Push comes to shove, comes to a couple of minutes of things you can't ever repair. Why four nights? Well, there is no bond for domestic battery, and I had to wait til Tuesday to see a judge via video arraignment. Do many people know this story? A handful. Why am I telling it now? Because this is the one year anniversary of the weekend that it happened and the case is finally over. There is so much more to this, and the details aren't important. What is important is that we both did things we shouldn't have, and I was the one that made the report and "turned myself in" as the police chose to describe it. What is also important are the twenty years of marriage that was sprinkled here and there with lies and infidelities that came to an ugly head in a matter of seconds. I hope by me sharing this, I get some closure, and the few people that read my blog gain some insight into a personal form of hell.

I am far from perfect, and I am definitely not without fault in the break-up of our marriage. Many years ago (almost a decade), I was in a very low place and found myself getting attention from men other than my husband. It was nice. It really was. One particular person didn't live in the same town, it was "harmless" flirting, and I felt like I was finally understood. He was charming too. Said everything I wished my husband would say to me. When my husband found the emails he called me out on it, and I didn't want to tell the truth. I didn't want to hurt him. We had some pretty huge fights over this, especially when I told him there were others in previous years that I had been in contact with, and one happened to be a close friend of his. I was a shitty wife. I am the first to admit it. I wanted to blame it on him, and his job, and his lack of attention to me, but I knew it was my fault. I had chosen to do these things. I wasn't proud of myself and I was willing to let him walk away from me...but he didn't. He insisted we work out our problems and stay married. We had four children at this time, the youngest was 3. I had an ultimatum to face before he decided if he was staying or not. It was based on the outcome of my lie detector test. Yes, you read that. I took a lie detector test for my then husband.

I can tell you without a doubt, that was the most humiliating event I have EVER been through. I sat in front of someone I'd never met and was asked a series of the same questions, phrased in many different ways, about sexual infidelity. I emptied my closets of all skeletons possible that evening. When the test results were registered, and my then husband was happy with the outcome that I had never had sex with anyone else, he determined we would stay married and attend counseling. I wasn't even sure that's what I wanted, but he seemed so broken that I believe I owed it to him to atone for my sins. The first couple years were a lot of work, but we threw ourselves into investing time and energy into our marriage, and these were some of the happiest, memorable times we had together in our twenty years together. There were a lot of rules I agreed to follow...no social media, no speaking to men outside of strictly business matters, no traveling out of town without him...the list went on...but I AGREED to it. There were no secrets, no lies, and my closets remained clear and clean, as well as my conscience. Yes I am aware how messed up this is, and it wasn't healthy, but I really felt like this was my responsibility to "fix".

At some point we stopped working. We fell back into a complacent pattern and life started happening around us. This is when he started finding people online and developed "friendships" with females that were supportive of his bodybuilding goals and gave him the attention and excitement he wasn't feeling from me anymore.

I won't give details of his faults, there were a lot surrounding a particular married person he found online, but this is what brought the end to the marriage. It was a LOT more than what I did, but he was up front with me about it AFTER the fact. I didn't need to have him take a lie detector test, because he told me what happened. I didn't make him stay because he didn't want to cut communication with her. In fact she is still in his life somewhat now and I wish them the best. I didn't fight to save our marriage because it was over. I lived for 7 years in fear of him cheating on me or leaving me, and honestly, it was the best thing that could have ever happened. I was instantly freed from the prison I had placed myself in full of shame and guilt and regret. I felt like I had served my sentence by being a good and faithful wife for the last seven years, albeit a very resentful one at times.

A year ago I was in jail for four nights. I can't believe what a year can do. I won't write much about how the ex is doing right now, because I will respect his privacy and someday it will all be in a book or movie anyway. But I will say, he is in his own prison in his mind right now. I've tried helping, but the time has come for me to focus on my healing and taking care of our kids and making sure they stay safe and sane.

This brings me to the part about truth and lies. I decided over eight years ago that I would never put another skeleton in a closet. I promised myself to tell the truth, always. It's not easy, especially when you don't want to hurt someone or embarrass yourself. There are a lot of reasons to lie, and to justify it as well. I learned to expect that same behavior from others, and became disappointed repeatedly when I would uncover a lie. I found that lying is a common defense mechanism used by humans in general. I had changed my behavior, but I couldn't change those around me.

I talked with my counselor today about this, and have been given a book to read. Basically, I am going to learn how my behavior attracks people of the same behavior (this is my pea-brain understanding of it at this point). I am meeting new people, developing new friendships, and have some work to do in order to attract people that are healthy for me. I think this is why so many women end up with the same type of men that they've just divorced...they haven't changed their behavior patterns. If nothing else, it will be an interesting read.

This is a big deal for me to admit my faults and imperfections, to accept responsibility for how screwed up I was and the damage I did in a really screwed up marriage. It also serves as a warning to anyone who might be going down the same path in their marriage. I don't have advice other than be honest. Honest with yourself, spouse, the person you may be cheating with. You can't have a three ring circus and think that you'll keep it all straight without losing your mind and everything else at stake.

My ex and I are both lucky we got out. I hope he recovers. He lost a lot more than I did. I want the best for him and our children, and I also want the best for my future. If you find yourself in this spot, start by emptying your closets. You have to let it all out and start fresh. Be honest with everyone. They may not like you for it, but maybe they don't belong in your life, or you don't belong in theirs. I'd rather be hurt by the truth, than live in a lie.

This labor day I am NOT in jail. Not physically, not mentally and not emotionally. I am living an authentic life and taking responsibility for my actions and decisions: past, present  and future.

Who I Am

After you give this a listen, then you can continue reading...

So that's part of MY story right now.  No, I don't have a particular person in mind when it says "I was made for you" ...but someday...someday...I am going to feel like a million bucks, and I am going to feel like I was made for some one.  Right now I feel like about half a million (which is pretty phenomenal if you ask me!)  the rest of the song is spot on though. 

I have had a pretty surreal year.  I am enduring something right now regarding a legal issue that very few people know about. I am holding so much in, that if I really shared my stories, no one would believe me. I've sacrificed so much, conquered demons, faced fears, tackled problems, accomplished goals...so, so much...and yet I still have so much more to do. I have a perpetual smile on my face, hiding the ugliness that is contained inside still. I am not putting on a front...it is for protection.  For you to not see the real me yet. I don't have anyone else I want to tell, except the people who already know. 

This is who I am...

Brave, strong, determined, insecure, frightened, excited, depressed, fearless, restless, content and a mess. I have good days, bad days, fantastic days and terrible days. I feel loved and yet still very much alone. I long for a constant companion to complete me but need my independence and freedom so I don't give up control to someone who may hurt me. I want control, but I want someone to take care of me. 

Sounds simple enough doesn't it? 

This is WHO I AM. This is WHO I HAVE BECOME. This is not WHO I WILL BE TOMORROW. 

Tomorrow I will be mom, soothing the aches and pains of her children, sharing in their joys and laughter, cooking, cleaning, carrying on with the perpetual smile and ever ready sense of humor and sarcasm. I am that divorced woman who is doing quite well for herself. I am the woman with lines across her face, the one that will sacrifice time, love, money and self to feel that connection with you...only to find out, it's not there. 

Who I am, I am a little of everything...waiting, just waiting for a directional sign, ANY SIGN, to see where life's adventure will take me next.  Please, LIFE, be kind.

THE STORY - Brandi Carlile

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you