What the hell was I thinking?

This is my divorce ring.  It's black to signify the death of a 20 year marriage.  It's a bow because I am a priceless present to whomever I meet (feeling that self confidence again).  This ring also carries significance because I bought it during an unforgettable trip to Georgia, just days after my divorce was final, and it's from Kate Spade.  As soon as I saw it, I knew there was a significance I was identifying it with, and I really wanted something to take the place of my wedding ring. Plus it's just cute.  So this black bow is my new "thing". 

I have another thing.  Daisies.  I don't know why, or how, but there is something about a daisy right now that makes me smile. More than smile. Daisies seem to make me a little more energetic, happy, peaceful, calm...all the good things I need more of in my life right now.  I haven't found one that brings me more income though...hmmm.  I was at one of the Red Light Variety Shows in January and the featured artist was Danielle Demaray.  I had my mind made up that evening if I saw a piece of art on display that I liked, I would buy it for myself.  Demaray's pieces in January were amazing.  I am not an art critic, so I do not have a large vocabulary when it comes to describing art, styles of art, mediums, etc. all I know is I liked her art.  Several pieces caught my attention, but most of them had already been purchased.  I found #15 Daisy...that's how it was labeled. It was still available and it became mine.  It's the first original piece of art I have purchased for myself.  Back in October a very special friend of mine bought me two prints from a local artist in Moscow at U of I and I had those framed for Christmas.  I think it was at that moment I decided I wanted to buy pieces from local artists. I thought it was an amazing gesture and those pictures mean the world to me.  This daisy was MY first art purchase, and supporting a local artist felt amazing.

So, now I have a thing for black bows and daisies.  I decided Friday to cover up a 23 year old tattoo on my left foot that I self inflicted in college.  It was a T, and there are very few people on this earth that will ever understand why I did that.  All I can say is Kava Party at BYU Hawaii and Tongans.  There is a connection, and a T was on my foot for 23 years because of that.   I decided, wouldn't the little black bow look good covering that up?  I really have wanted that T gone for a long time.  I spent several months thinking of a "divorce tattoo" without going crazy.  This is what I ended up with on my foot.  Ryan at Nobody's Hero free handed it while looking at a picture of the Kate Spade ring.  This photo is from the same day...my foot is trashed, ink, blood, pain...OMG. Every follicle in my left foot was screaming to stop.  What the hell was I thinking? It took MAYBE 10 minutes.  I do like it though. It means something to me.  Maybe I'll incorporate a daisy somehow, someday.     Anyhow, I got rid of that damn T. 

There's nothing to tie together about life in this post. 

Bucket VS Beach Pail

I have a bucket list of big stuff I want to accomplish before I die.  I also have a beach pail list of things I'd like to accomplish in my immediate future.  The main difference between these two lists is money.  My bucket list items are way more expensive than my beach pail items.  This year I am trying to work my way through the beach pail and just put myself out there trying new things. I must say I am doing well so far. 

Over the past few years I've seen "sip and paint" classes offered through living social or groupon and wanted to try one.  I am NOT an artist, nor do I play one on TV. Seriously, my artistic ability usually ends with sticks figures and carefully placed geometric shapes attempting to resemble houses or landscapes.  I'm not exaggerating, I am the last person to be picked at pictionary if you've ever played with me before.  BUT...I can follow directions, and last night was a fine example of that.

I found the Boise Creative Center on Living Social and made a spur of the moment decision to buy their offer.  They hold class on Friday nights at 7pm and last about 3 hrs.  The idea is to bring a beverage of your choice and enjoy time with friends while following along step by step painting instructions from the director of the center, Alex Vega.  I called to see if just by chance there was an opening since I purchased it on a Friday.  The gentleman on the phone was so helpful and welcoming.  He was excited I was attending (I called around 5pm?) and said he'd see me soon.  I arrived and was surprised to see some 11-12 year old kids were there to paint too! There was also a mother/daughter pair, double dates, married couples and a single person (me).  He had two ladies helping him (I don't remember their names) pass out supplies, giving encouragement and/or suggestions and refilling our paint pallets.  The whole atmosphere was incredibly warm and comfortable.

I was surprised by the process of how we got to the finished piece.  My plan was to take photos step by step and document my artistic journey. But from blank canvas to the initial drying phase there was no time!  We did the first yellow area, followed by making some orange and going around that, then a deeper red/purple, then blending... the white canvas just disappeared so quickly.  Then we waited for it to dry on the drying table.  Heat was applied from above which sped up the process.  When it was time for the layering, I found myself going back and adding more color, covering up mistakes, blending more colors, and trying to make it "better". Then another drying process with heat applied.  The black trees were the final step. These we were told not to think about...just go for it. Be Bold.  One line at a time, they suddenly started coming together.

At the end some people looked at their canvases and made statements like "that's it?" and "what else are we painting?".  I remember looking at mine with a slightly smug sense of satisfaction.  See, earlier in the evening, I asked alex if he had a picture of what we were painting.  He did, so I took a quick snapshot of it.  I found that the students that were questioning the outcome of their paintings didn't have a good idea of what the finished piece was going to look like.  I waited til the end and pulled up the picture again and added more branches to mine to resemble the original one more closely.  I was pleased.  I created something that will hang on one of my walls and although it will never be worth hundreds or thousands of dollars, to me it is priceless.

My life is like last night.  So is yours.  We all start out a blank canvas.  We go through periods where it just feels like we are filling it up and there's no time to enjoy the process.  Then the heat gets applied. We are under fire, under pressure, but we get stronger.  We get opportunities to fine tune ourselves, add more layers, make the edges softer.  Then the fire begins again. More strengthening. And finally, to get to the parts that really make you who you are, you just have to Be Bold.  Jump in and commit to something. Be Brave. When you reflect on yourself from a distance, what you've made with your life is beautiful.  Sure, if you examine it under a microscope, you'll see the flaws, the areas you've strayed on the canvas.  But the big picture?  It's pretty darn amazing and you are truly one of a kind

Don't be the one at the end of class questioning if there's more.  Get an idea of what you want your masterpiece to be like, then do the work to get closer with each brush stroke.   

My beach pail has one less thing in it, so it's time to refill.  I hope you all get a chance to experience this. 

Creating (noise) Music

I am horrible at the violin.  Liz has a concert next week, and the orchestra instructor has invited the students' parents to participate in a parent concert.  The goal is to get the students to teach their parents some of what they've learned this year in beginning orchestra.  I've always had a love for music.  After attempting the violin I have a new found respect for violinists.  Oh. My. Goodness. 

Fast forward to tonight... Thursday February 19th.

After practicing about thirty minutes last night, and then going to the group practice tonight at the middle school, I am amazingly better.  Thankfully I have rhythm, which already makes me sound better than those parents who don't know the difference between a quarter note and a half rest! I won't be embarrassing myself next week, and even better, I won't embarrass my daughter.  It's fun for her to teach me, and for her to be confident in what she knows and sharing that knowledge with me. 

 It was great to have an instrument in my hands again and enjoy making music.  It has an effect on me. I am more determined now to get my piano into my house and start playing again.  I want to fill my home with music.  There's a healing quality that comes along with it.  First though, while I am back in the practicing phase, I will just be creating a lot of noise.  That's a lot like my life right now.  There's a bit of chaos, a bit of roller coaster, a bit of frightmares. 

Eventually, with enough practice, in life and on instruments, I will make beautiful music.

Creating Flexibility (but not that kind)

Yes, this is me.  Over thinker...klutzy...love to travel...overly generous...and as indecisive as a squirrel crossing a busy street.  Seek balance, this is a great goal. 

I was very indecisive about a big choice this weekend. It weighed on my mind so much I skipped writing for a few days.  My dad has beginning stages of dementia and PBA, and my mom had to put him in Life Care Centers to be taken care of. She also has difficulty doing anything physical because she has polio. She is stubborn and refuses help from anyone. I felt very heavy hearted that I  needed to make a trip from Meridian to Sandpoint and spend the weekend with her. I kept trying to talk myself out of it. I even called her to tell her I was thinking of visiting and it didn't sound like it 
mattered one way or the other if I came.  I was like that squirrel.. yes, no, well no, wait yes, ok go!!!  I left Meridian at 5pm and arrived in Sandpoint just after midnight on Friday the 13th (Saturday morning).

Once I arrived (she waited up for me of course) we stayed up and talked for over an hour.  She got really emotional filling me in on the past few weeks that my dad had been home with her.  They've been married 49 years this May, and with the exception of the time my dad was deployed during his 20 years in the Army and Air Force, they have always been there for each other. This is a major change in her life, and I can relate on a very small scale now.

Waking up Saturday morning brought the traditional "find me in the kitchen making breakfast" because when I come home to visit I try to do all the cooking and shopping for them. I love helping ... Ok, really I just take over, but they've told me they appreciate the break, so I just do it every time I visit.  After mom and I ate, she already had the cards ready for canasta.  I whooped her butt the first hand, but as in life, when one gets too cocky, one needs to be taught a lesson. She creamed me the next two hands.

We just sat around and visited a couple of hours while planning what to do with the day.  She had a big shopping list and a few little projects that needed done. She also showed me all the amazing quilts she is working on, and the crazy antique handkerchiefs that she is embroidering for all of the granddaughters (for when they eventually get married).  I know who I got the creative bug from! My mom is ALWAYS making something. She is a talented woman and I wish I could be taught how to do a small amount of the things she can do!

We made it to Super 1 Foods in Sandpoint and stocked up on a months supply of food. I brought in 20 bags of groceries from the car for her to unload and realized THAT SPECIFIC TASK would have taken her over an hour to do alone. One bag at a time, walking slowly with a cane. Those are the things my dad did for her.  That's gone now.  It has hit her that she will have to start asking for help. She doesn't like that.  So I think I will plan on making monthly weekend trips up here for a while until .....? I don't know how to finish that sentence.

We never made it to visit my dad yesterday. He and my mom talked on the phone a couple of times and he filled her in on the food there (he's more than happy with it) and he loves all of his nurses and gets lots and lots of attention.  My mom said we will go see him today.  She needed me to herself yesterday.  She got teary-eyed several times while talking.  It's hard seeing parents go through this. I had a quick and brief realization that even though I don't want to be married again, I definitely don't want to be alone the rest of my life.  I want this solitary period in my life right now, but that will change someday and I want someone to grow old and laugh with.  When you laugh alone, people think you're crazy, right?

So today, as I write this, two things are weighing heavy on my heart. I wish I could do more to make my mom happy.  I wish I knew what the next 6 months will bring.  Looking back at the last six months, NOTHING happened the way I had planned in my life. NOTHING! I'm curious to know how many more surprises are waiting around the next bend. I am just trying to prepare to roll with the punches and take life as it comes.  I want to have a flexible schedule at work so I can leave for a week if needed.  I need flexibility with my kids so they can come with or stay with their dad. I need flexibility in my thinking so I don't get stuck in expectations about how life should be right now.

I love my parents and hope I've shown them enough appreciation over the years. In case I haven't, I know it's not too late to show more. Flexibility in life comes in all colors of the rainbow... I'm going to try to get all of them in this masterpiece.

Creating Calm

So today was one of those days. I didn't feel like I accomplished much at work. My motivation was lacking, but I stayed busy all day. Most of us at the office worked through lunch. I had tons of phone calls to return and didn't get to all of them, so I'm sure there will be a few calls tomorrow that I'll have to deal with unhappy patients. It was one of those days where I really felt like I did the best I could, but it wasn't good enough. I don't enjoy that feeling. I don't like my gut being unhappy with me. 

After work I took my son to personally deliver the fundraising cards he has sold so far, because this is his fundraiser and not mine, I reminded him for the umpteenth time.  I had to stop by the "big house", where I used to live, and went inside and instantly became emotional (not in a good feeling sort of way).  I saw my dogs, or they used to be my dogs. They miss me, I can tell, and seemed confused as to why I showed up out of the blue. I fed them and their world went back to normal again. (food fixes stuff for dogs I guess).  I could tell by this time that making  dinner would be futile, so I drove through McD's for the two kids at home and dropped my son and dinner off and headed to Primary Health...

Three months ago I tripped going down stairs at work and jammed up my shoulder and wrist gracefully catching myself from breaking my neck. Okay, there wasn't anything graceful about it. Anywhooo, I was told I really should get it looked at since I still don't have range of motion in my left shoulder. So 7 X-rays and 75 minutes later I left with a referral to a specialist and appointment for an MRI to check out my rotator cuff.

I stopped at Albertsons for some groceries on the way home and when I pulled in the garage I had been away from the house for 13 hours today.  ON THE PLUS SIDE...the kids had eaten and I didn't have much to do!  Liz unloaded groceries while I loaded up the dishwasher and cleaned up. Then I received a violin lesson from her because I get to play in a parent concert at MMS at the end of this month. I'm glad I can read music...I can almost make sense of a string instrument...but long acrylic nails and violins were not designed to accommodate each other.  I'll keep practicing :)

But THEN...the most exciting and anticipated part of the day arrived...

BEDTIME.

It's late enough for kids to go down, yet early enough for me to get quiet time. I started a load of laundry, started the dishwasher, grabbed a candle, turned on the radio, got a big fluffy towel, filled bathtub with bubble liquid and ran the water for what seemed like an eternity. I am not one to exude patience. I am working on this. I kept checking the water temperature and waiting for water level to be high enough to soak.  I lit the candle, changed the radio station to trusty ol' Delilah, and continued to wait...and wait...and finally...enough water to get in.

The first thing I noticed was the water coming out of the faucet was tepid at best.  Hmmm, maybe a load of laundry and the dishwasher running was the most effective use of my time, but not the best for hot water in the bath planning.  I cranked that faucet up to what should have provided third degree burns and barely eeked out enough warm water to finish the bath. 

I love music. I play musical instruments. I was in band for 6 years and I love all types of music. I also love lyrics. I can forgive a lot of bad musical talent if the lyrics are good, and vice versa.  I was looking forward to what Delilah might have in her bag of tricks tonight with the big V Day looming. She did not disappoint.  Imagine Dragons, Miley Cyrus while she was still Hannah Montana innocent and not the lizard queen, Jefferson Starship, REO Speedwagon...some really good stuff...and all of the sudden....I realized how calm I was. 

REALLY CALM. Like totally relaxed. The bubbles were already starting to disappear. The water was less warm than I prefer, but the candle light and the music and the quiet and the water and the smell of the candle and the day just disappeared. My mind was blank. My soul was swimming. My body was shriveling up into prune state. I was an hour into my bath. AN HOUR. It was 10pm.  I don't know if I've ever stayed in a bath that long. I contemplated getting out and decided against it. The Music was still acceptable. Water had enough quality that resembled warmth I could tolerate longer. My limbs were actually limp and buoyant and I sunk down deeper into my thoughtless mind and kept it quiet there. Calm. Peaceful. I suppose this is how meditation feels, if I were to try it.  I'm much too busy of a person to give much thought to meditating...but in a bubble bath? I could see real promise in that. 

10:30 rolled around and I realized I was starting to shiver. The tepid water was now colder than room temperature. My wrinkled, waterlogged limbs were at their liquid absorption limits.  I exited the bath after a record 1 hr 32 minute soak.  I had never felt more relaxed before bed.  I made it into bed before midnight!  This is amaze-balls! 

Please forgive any typos you may find. My fingers still resemble raisins...

But the calmness it brought was all worth it.

Creating Memories

I thought long and hard about what I created today. What I could create today. How I could better myself or improve something in my life.  It didn't take long to realize that with two kids off to a high school basketball game, and me and the youngest home alone tonight...we would go on a mother/daughter date.  Today...I created memories.

Liz has been having an on again/off again adjustment period to everything over the past 6 mos.  In fact, it was six months ago today that my world felt like it shattered.  Today! The 10th. As I'm writing this it just dawned on me!  So much has happened in a six month time frame. WOW.

Our time tonight was all about catching up, connecting, and being fancy.  Even though Liz looks older, I have to remember she's only 11.  We talked about why the small fork had sharper tines than the large one.  We covered basic fine dining etiquette and proper placement of table settings.  I taught her how to eat fettuccini noodles with a fork and spoon.  We finished off the night with her educating me about things on her level...the nay nay, sounds you make when a smoothie challenge smells bad,  and the best way to get rid of recurring hiccups.  It was a very memorable night.

Good thing yesterday I created major Calorie Deficit, because all that hard work was just negated by the dessert we ate at the end of our pasta dinner.  I used to always pass on dessert in public.  I thought the willpower it took to turn something down when everyone else was caving in said something about how determined or in control I was.  I'm glad I don't see things the same as I did six months ago.  I don't see much of any part of my life the same anymore, and for that I am truly grateful.

As much as I am looking forward to creating big, beautiful things in my life...tonight was a masterpiece in memories.

Mission accomplished today.

Creating Comfort

Day one of creating...  Today it was about comfort food.

Real Chili...with Frito's, shredded cheese and sour cream.

2 lbs ground chuck

2 cans rotel

1 can tomato sauce

Your favorite chili mix (I like the kits that come with salt, cayenne, and masa)

Beer (replace the water in the mix directions with the beer)

Chicken and cream cheese mixture, bundled in crescent rolls...

dabbed with melted butter and rolled in parmesan cheese/seasoned breadcrumb mixture...

then baked for 20 min at 375*. 

 Daniel brought this recipe home from school. Thank you Mrs. Williams! 

So cooking, eating, sharing food with other people...it brings me peace. It makes me happy. I feel like I am doing something meaningful. I have a purpose. Everyone needs to eat, right? Do I worry it might not taste good to everyone? Do I get my feelings hurt if someone doesn't like it? No. I put it in a mental file of dishes not to make again.

So if you eat my cooking, be honest.  I like trying new dishes. I still have my trusted favorites, but sometimes I surprise myself!

This is the part where you find out who you are.

I've been told I need to blog about things. Get stuff off my chest. Put all my dirt out there so my tears can water it, the sun can shine on it and flowers can bloom. I don't want to shovel out dirt though. I want my private life to stay private. I want to open up to only those in my life that have earned the privilege of being worthy of my time. Maybe some of them need a break from me. Maybe I've shoveled too much dirt on their heads and it's hard for them to breath. I hope not. I hope I can uncover them and hose them down and start things fresh now that I have a new perspective.

I saw a quote that read "Life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself". Credit was given to George Bernard Shaw. More on him later...I think he is fascinating.

I am in an epic new chapter of my life. I'm single, have four children (whom I share with their father and we are both working our tails off to raise them correctly), I have been in the dental field for 20 years now, and I am 41. I didn't see this coming. I didn't ask for this new chapter, so I decided to write my own ending to this book and not let myself become a victim or a casualty. I DON'T need time to go "find myself". I know where I am.

I DO need time and focus to create myself. Create the Ms. Wallace that isn't 21 anymore. Create a Linda that isn't restricted by limits and fear of the unknown. Create a life that is centered around teaching my children about overcoming adversity and that starting over is totally OKAY.  A clean slate, a blank page, a big eraser and the determination to accomplish something positive every day. It doesn't matter how big or small.  Every day I will create something that speaks about who I am, even if it's just words on a page.  Someday I will be able to create bigger things.  Just when I think I know who I am, I may decide I need to go a different direction.  I don't know what my future will look like, but I can tell you this...

Starting now, I'm creating the life I want to live, with the people I want in my life. I hope you are part of it.