Yes, this is me. Over thinker...klutzy...love to travel...overly generous...and as indecisive as a squirrel crossing a busy street. Seek balance, this is a great goal.
I was very indecisive about a big choice this weekend. It weighed on my mind so much I skipped writing for a few days. My dad has beginning stages of dementia and PBA, and my mom had to put him in Life Care Centers to be taken care of. She also has difficulty doing anything physical because she has polio. She is stubborn and refuses help from anyone. I felt very heavy hearted that I needed to make a trip from Meridian to Sandpoint and spend the weekend with her. I kept trying to talk myself out of it. I even called her to tell her I was thinking of visiting and it didn't sound like it
mattered one way or the other if I came. I was like that squirrel.. yes, no, well no, wait yes, ok go!!! I left Meridian at 5pm and arrived in Sandpoint just after midnight on Friday the 13th (Saturday morning).
Once I arrived (she waited up for me of course) we stayed up and talked for over an hour. She got really emotional filling me in on the past few weeks that my dad had been home with her. They've been married 49 years this May, and with the exception of the time my dad was deployed during his 20 years in the Army and Air Force, they have always been there for each other. This is a major change in her life, and I can relate on a very small scale now.
Waking up Saturday morning brought the traditional "find me in the kitchen making breakfast" because when I come home to visit I try to do all the cooking and shopping for them. I love helping ... Ok, really I just take over, but they've told me they appreciate the break, so I just do it every time I visit. After mom and I ate, she already had the cards ready for canasta. I whooped her butt the first hand, but as in life, when one gets too cocky, one needs to be taught a lesson. She creamed me the next two hands.
We just sat around and visited a couple of hours while planning what to do with the day. She had a big shopping list and a few little projects that needed done. She also showed me all the amazing quilts she is working on, and the crazy antique handkerchiefs that she is embroidering for all of the granddaughters (for when they eventually get married). I know who I got the creative bug from! My mom is ALWAYS making something. She is a talented woman and I wish I could be taught how to do a small amount of the things she can do!
We made it to Super 1 Foods in Sandpoint and stocked up on a months supply of food. I brought in 20 bags of groceries from the car for her to unload and realized THAT SPECIFIC TASK would have taken her over an hour to do alone. One bag at a time, walking slowly with a cane. Those are the things my dad did for her. That's gone now. It has hit her that she will have to start asking for help. She doesn't like that. So I think I will plan on making monthly weekend trips up here for a while until .....? I don't know how to finish that sentence.
We never made it to visit my dad yesterday. He and my mom talked on the phone a couple of times and he filled her in on the food there (he's more than happy with it) and he loves all of his nurses and gets lots and lots of attention. My mom said we will go see him today. She needed me to herself yesterday. She got teary-eyed several times while talking. It's hard seeing parents go through this. I had a quick and brief realization that even though I don't want to be married again, I definitely don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I want this solitary period in my life right now, but that will change someday and I want someone to grow old and laugh with. When you laugh alone, people think you're crazy, right?
So today, as I write this, two things are weighing heavy on my heart. I wish I could do more to make my mom happy. I wish I knew what the next 6 months will bring. Looking back at the last six months, NOTHING happened the way I had planned in my life. NOTHING! I'm curious to know how many more surprises are waiting around the next bend. I am just trying to prepare to roll with the punches and take life as it comes. I want to have a flexible schedule at work so I can leave for a week if needed. I need flexibility with my kids so they can come with or stay with their dad. I need flexibility in my thinking so I don't get stuck in expectations about how life should be right now.
I love my parents and hope I've shown them enough appreciation over the years. In case I haven't, I know it's not too late to show more. Flexibility in life comes in all colors of the rainbow... I'm going to try to get all of them in this masterpiece.
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