MOVIES, SONGS and A PICTURE OF ME - Days 8, 9 & 10

Day 8 Three movies

1. Benny and Joon - I watched this at a time in my life when someone close to me was struggling with some mental/emotional problems. Besides Johnny Depp and Mary Stuart Masterson being awesome in this, the soundtrack included the Proclaimers... "I would walk five hundred miles, and I would walk five hundred more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door." This was what I wanted in my man that I did not yet have.

2. Sixteen Candles - The end scene, candlelight dinner, and Thompson Twins song "If You Were Here" starts playing.
"Happy Birthday Samantha, make a wish."
"It already came true."

3. Top Gun - "take me to bed or lose me forever." ~ Enough. Said.

Day 9 Two Songs ( I can't do just two)

1a. The Story - Brandi Carlile (I will belt this mother out if given the chance!)

  b. Wouldn't it be Good to be in your shoes - Nik Kershaw


2.  Green Eyes - Coldplay (so glad I was introduced to this Coldplay song. I'd like to think its about me)

Day 10 One Picture of Me

2:10 am

June 12, 2015

Vacation commences in mere hours. I am about to have the best time of my life thus far.

BOOKS - Day 7

Ugh, worst category for me. I am more of a trashy romance novel reader. I certainly can't list the last four books I read and look any type of intelligent! With that being said, I also really enjoy getting a great book started, and then reading it all night long until I find myself staying up all night in order to finish it. I did this with at least one book in each of the following series:

1. Hunger Games (entire series) 

2. Twilight (entire series)

3. Fifty Shades (entire series)

4. Divergent (entire series)

Yep, they have all been made into movies. Proud to say I read them ALL before that ever happened. It was fun having a daughter that was giving me suggestions on what to read. (DOES NOT APPLY TO FIFTY SHADES!) Maybe a few vacations from now I will have read more intelligent books. These served their purpose though. I escaped. They were pretty mindless and light reading which is a lot of what I needed at the time...

So the best part is, someday I will get to list my own books as some of my favorites. I just need to live a little more so I know how to end the first of the trilogy. 

FOODS - Day 6

I am going to try to be fair to the food groups here, and give you something from each one that I feel I couldn't live without. I can't list my favorite in each, because they change often.

I like food. I don't love it, but I like it a lot. Its not about sitting down by myself and pigging out at all. It is the pleasure of using food as a social focal point with others, mainly as a celebratory device. My problem is, I've had a LOT to celebrate lately, and therefore, over the course of 8 months, I have gained additional curvature. I'm in the process now of chiseling away at my fine sculpture, and reconnecting with what is under the outer layers. So, while I am thinking of how hungry I am for breakfast I'll get these foods written out and then be on my way to make eggs and ham.

VEGETABLES

I LOVE a good salad. Not talking iceberg, cabbage, carrot mix. Spinach, walnut, strawberry and chicken is one of my favorites. Kale mixed in there is great too. I find that the best kind of salad is always one that I didn't have to take the time to make. The preparation of salads drives me bonkers.

FRUIT

Peaches and Huckleberries.

No not necessarily mixed together, but it's a tie as to my favorite. Both are very much a seasonal problem in Idaho too. I'll eat them fresh, but as with everything healthy, there are hundreds of ways to add sugar and fat and carbs to them and transform something natural into a calorie laden, delicious dessert. Pie and cobbler would be two favorites for both of those fruits. 

GRAIN

Steel cut oats. I found a recipe for refrigerator oatmeal, and it is amazing. Put all ingredients together at night in a mason jar, stick in fridge. In the morning, it's ready to eat. I don't like so many carbs right off the bat, so it's a mid morning snack for me, but what an easy meal. I also will use oatmeal in tuna fish. Most people never notice. It's great to absorb the excess liquid, and with dill added, the oats don't change the flavor at all.

PROTEIN

Chicken. The beer chicken recipe I got from a friend is my new go to for easy chicken preparation. But beyond that, I still have 20+ ways I love to prepare it. Grilled, shredded in a crock pot, baked, fried, stuffed, stir fried...you name it, I've probably tried it with chicken. 

DAIRY

Cheese. This is my diet downfall right here. This is where my excess fat is derived from. I'm not a big sugar or chocolate fan. I'm also not a big ice cream eater. But cheese....oh goodness. If I had to remove dairy from my diet completely, I don't know how long my willpower would last. I try to stick with lower fat options like string cheeses and cottage cheese now. However, the richer and more aged the cheese is, the more I am intrigued by it.

I really hadn't planned on today's blog turning out like this. When listing five of my favorite foods, how does really good Chinese takeout not make the list? What about Eggs Benedict? This was a hard list for me to narrow down. I guess I am glad that I have more favorite FOODS than I do FEARS.

PLACES - Day 5

I get to only list six places? How can I narrow it down to that?

1. AUSTRALIA. My Uncle Bill Wallace and cousin Kevin have lived in Australia for almost 50 years. Kevin has only been to the United States twice and I have never met him.  My Uncle Bill is in his 80's and I only met him once, when he flew to California on a military hop and then hitchhiked to North Idaho and stayed with us for a few weeks. That man was full of stories. To see my dad with one of his brothers was a huge treat. I feel sorry for their mother, whom I never met. She raised five sons. All of them have traveled world wide, mostly while serving in the military.

2. JAMAICA. I could possibly tackle this location through a dental mission trip later in 2015. I need to raise the money to cover the costs first. It is two days of travel and four or five days of providing underprivileged children with dental treatment. I have heard there is not a lot of personal time on these trips, but I feel it would be personally rewarding, maybe even more so than just a vacation.

3. IRELAND / WALES / SCOTLAND. The land of my ancestry. I would like to find and visit the Wallis Castle, and spend a considerable amount of time tracking down landmarks that were important in our family. It's too bad my dad won't be traveling anymore. He would have loved to go on this trip.

4. TAHITI. I was fortunate to work at the Polynesian Cultural Center during college at BYU-Hawaii in 1991-1992. I worked as a hostess at the Ali'i Luau, and every night after work the employees were allowed to watch the Night Show as long as there were seats available. I think at one point, I had the show memorized and could have been a stand it for the female dancers. I was learning the Poi Balls, and had the Hula down pretty well for a white chick. The Tahitian dancers, and their culture in general, was always my favorite. I know that if given the opportunity, Tahiti would be a place I could live long term.

5. THE REST OF THE FIFTY STATES. Okay, so this is an easy way to sneak in more than 6 places. I have only been to 18 of the 50 states (plus Washington DC - so 19 out of 51 locations). I will be adding 5 or 6 more just this summer alone! I have a road trip coming up tackling a MAJOR bucket list item just next week! It will take me through Tennessee, Kentucky, Indiana, Illinois and Ohio. Don't worry, I will tell you all about it after I return and have pictures to accompany my stories! My dental office will be going to Florida in July for additional BOTOX training, and Emily and I will be spending a week in Kentucky for a competition she is in for SkillsUSA. If I am able to keep going at this rate, it won't take too long to see this one accomplished!

6. FRANCE. I mean, this has to make the list. Who wouldn't want to visit Paris? Did I take two years of French in high school for nothing? This is more like a token destination for my list, because yes, I have always wanted to do this. In high school, I gave up my opportunity to go on a two week exchange to France in order to participate in the Jr Miss Scholarship program. I ended up winning the title of Sandpoint Jr Miss, but looking back on it now? I probably should have traveled :)

There are so many more places I need to add to my list after I get these locations conquered. Costa Rica, Belize, Mexico (just to say I've been there), Tonga, New Zealand...I could go on and on. I officially have been bitten by the travel bug. Now I need to find a way to finance these adventures! (If someone reading this has the means to travel to these locations, and just needs some company, I am willing to be taken along as a travel companion as well...just sayin')

WANTS - Day 4

Well, after yesterdays post about fears, I spent a good portion of the day and night dwelling on those. Mostly about the sabotaging of relationships and driving people away from me. Funny thing was pointed out to me...the conversations I have in my head are always so much worse than conversations in real life. I will start my list of wants right there:

1. I want to live in the present. Stop worrying about the "what if's" of the future and the "should have's" of the past. I want to make the best choices with the information I have available RIGHT NOW. I want to enjoy this day, this hour, this moment.

2. I want to drive out fear with love. I said in my post of nine loves that I am learning to love myself. I want to learn faster. I do believe that I can replace many of my fears with love. I think this will help myself tremendously, but it will also help my children see my strength and determination to be a gracious, compassionate, happy person that isn't afraid to live life to the fullest.

3. I want to have adventures. I want to make every day an adventure in even the smallest way. Find or do and appreciate something amazing that I normally wouldn't do. Salsa dancing lesson was an adventure. My summer road trips will be adventures. I also want to accomplish big adventures ...bucket list adventures.

4. I want my great love. I want to be needed, appreciated, spoiled a little, taken care of but above all else, LOVED. It doesn't have to be this instant...I just want to know love like this exists for me.  

5. I want my children to be okay. Actually, better than okay. I want them to be successful, determined, happy and well rounded. I am trying to show them by example, but sometimes fail in several areas on any given day. I keep trying though. I want them to know how important they are and how much each of them are loved and that I admire them for their resilience. I think my kids are pretty amazing. I am so proud of each one of them.

6. I want to be out of debt. I want to have flexibility in my work situation so I don't have to constantly make enough money to just get by each month.

7. I want to be at peace. I want to let go of the hurt and anger and malice I feel. I want to let others make their own decisions about where and how I fit into their life and accept whatever the outcome is. I want to make my own decisions about where and how other people will fit into my life and release the ones that don't fit. I just want everything to be okay...

FEARS (8 of them!) - Day 3

Oh boy, what did I get myself into deciding to take on this challenge.  Who likes to sit and consider their fears?  I know I don't. And the more I think about the ones to include, the more anxiety I feel about the fears that I have.  Some are your normal ones that everyone has a fear of  (ie spiders or heights). Others are much deeper seeded emotional fears (loneliness, abandonment).  I don't know which ones will make this list of eight, but lets explore shall we?

1. I FEAR LOSING PEOPLE I LOVE. I fear that I am not enough, therefore I am too clingy and possessive and jealous, always trying to give more and more and more to make the other person see how much I love them. I fear I will push someone away because of this behavior and self confidence deficiency. I am honest when I say that I love to be the reason they smile, the reason for their laugh and their joy. If someone else makes them appear to be happier than they are with me, I will feel terrible and the vicious cycle of me not being enough starts over again. I know this is unrealistic.  "I" am not the cause of their happiness.  "I" do not have the power to "make" someone happy. "I" am not the only reason they smile, nor would I want to have that level of responsibility to maintain! I know all the reasons why this is an unrealistic fear, yet I still fear it, and obsess over it, and it tends to make things worse. 

2. I FEAR BEING ALONE. Not at home by myself watching TV, not going to the movies by myself, but the ALONE that you see in a nursing home, no spouse, no partner, no life long committed relationship. No one by my side when I pass away from old age. No one that I mean the world to. No one that means the world to me. 

3. I FEAR BEING AFRAID.  That's pretty deep, but I think I can explain. I didn't like knowing my X was serving a search warrant with armed and dangerous suspects waiting to ambush the police. I fear the unknown when the possibility of loss is as tangible as my racing heart beat. I fear all things that make me SCARED. I fear that adrenaline rush when it is related to a true FIGHT or FLIGHT reaction. This even extends to horror movies. I can not physically make myself watch another one. EVER.

4. I FEAR SNAKES. enough said.

5. I FEAR MISSING OUT ON MY CALLING IN LIFE. This is one reason I am trying so desperately to figure out who I am. Maybe my calling is to be an awesome Mom and raise four amazing kids. So far I am doing well with that. If there is another reason I am on this earth, I would like to realize what it is.

6. I FEAR LOSING MY MIND. Funny right? There are days that I wonder if I haven't lost it already! Seriously though, I think I could handle a physical handicap or problems with my health as long as my mind stays in tact. I do not want to be a burden to my children or to a health care system. I want to stay sharp and quick witted. I think I can persevere any problem as long as I have my wits about me. I watch my Dad, with the onset of dementia, and it scares me to think of the possibilities in the years ahead. 

7. I FEAR DISAPPOINTING OTHERS. I am well aware I am not supposed to worry about what others think of me. I also know that for most of my life, I allowed my self esteem to be measured by what my significant other thought and said about me. I know now that this is the worst thing you can do to yourself. I should be in control of how I feel about myself. I should be the one who decides when it is time to cut my hair, lose ten pounds, buy a new outfit or enroll in college classes again. I am not doing any of those things to please anyone else. I will do it to make myself happy and to feel good about myself.

8. I FEAR FALLING IN LOVE...with the wrong person, meaning with someone who doesn't feel the same about me as I do about them. I want the princess fairy-tale true love with a happily ever after ending. I don't know if that even exists. And if it does exist, I wouldn't even know how to find it because I am afraid to open up to the possibility of getting hurt if it doesn't work out. I don't need marriage again, I don't need a ceremony, I don't need anything but a commitment to stay faithful to each other, whatever that may look like for the two of us. In the end, I may look back on my life and realize I did have that, and I gave it all up because of my other fears getting in the way and sabotaging the perfect love. I am afraid of that too.

LOVES - Day 2

Day 2  - Listing 9 of my loves:

1. MY FAMILY - my children, parents, sisters.  I may not talk to my parents as often as I should, but the older I get, the more I realize how much they have sacrificed over the years to raise me and my sisters.  I rarely talk to my sisters, but I know that if they need me or I need them, we would always be there for each other. My children are the driving force behind my happiness and my desire to be a better person, for their sake, and for my own. They won't fully understand how I feel about them until they have children of their own.

2. MUSIC - nearly all types. Some because of the lyrics...I find deep meaning behind a great love song or sad songs. I cry, I brood, I release things that can't be let go through words. On the flip side, I love some music strictly for the rhythm. To dance to, rock out to, fall asleep to. No matter the mood I am in, I am able to find a soundtrack to fit my life at that particular moment, and lose myself in it. 

3. STARS - The is nothing better than laying in the dark losing yourself in a clear sky full of stars.  Peaceful, romantic, calming, uplifting, whatever the need may be. I become so small and insignificant, yet also feel a great sense of purpose for being alive. It is with great wonder that I am able to gain perspective and feel at peace for even a few moments.

4. BODIES OF WATER - Be it a lake, river, stream, pond or ocean, water and being in the water transforms me into a weightless, mindless creature. (For that matter, bathtubs and hot tubs work too!) I'll never understand the power of the pull of the tide or the undercurrent. It is like a perfectly orchestrated struggle, that somehow works out over and over again. 

5. WORDS - I may not be able to always write what I mean, or say what I feel, or read what I need, but the power of words can buildup and create or destroy everything. I know of nothing more powerful. To hear someone speak to me and say words that incite a reaction. Three small words that range from I Hate You to I Love You, and everything in between.

6. LAUGHTER - Coming from myself or the people around me. Being entertained and appreciating witty banter between friends, listening to comedians, watching sitcoms, observing children at play...when the laughter begins, I usually find myself fully immersed in the pleasure of letting mine go. 

7. KISSING - do I really need to explain this? I think that if there ever came a day that I had to choose only one physical touch that would always be available to me, it would be a kiss. Forehead kisses when sad, kisses on the cheek from a friend, on the back of my hand while walking side by side, on my neck during ... Well, you get the point. Of course, a well spent kiss on my mouth would be great just about anytime. 

8. COFFEE - I know, silly right? There is something to be said about sharing coffee with a friend. A cold fall day, on a bench, with a best friend beside you. It also goes quite well when I am alone and want some quiet time. I haven't encountered a time when a cup of coffee wouldn't make a great situation just a little bit better. Even some nights right before bed. I guess it just has that effect on me.

9. MYSELF - This is new for me, and some may argue that if I truly loved myself, I wouldn't be so hard on myself. Well, I'm learning. I'm growing from someone that struggles with self-image and depreciation into a woman that accepts her flaws and strives to improve on her strong points. I'm trying to find more things to love about myself, and focus on my desire to gain confidence and value. I will not allow myself to be put in situations that tear me down without building me up to be better than before. I'm over that period in my life. I am enough, and I will continue to become more than enough.

"Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." - Rumi

SECRETS - Day 1

If I share these with you, they will no longer be secrets, will they? Well....here goes.

1. I had an imaginary pen pal as a kid. I wrote myself letters from him. His imaginary sister signed my 7th grade yearbook. Devin and Christina Krisena were their made up names. Looong story.

2. I had a crush on one of my Jr High teachers. Every time he called on me, I would burn up with embarrassment.

3. I tried to pick the lock on my teachers door in second grade with a bobby pin, then cried in front of a bunch of my friends because I knew it was wrong.

4. 9 times out of 10, when I get angry I will cry instead of scream.

5. I don't lie anymore. I used to, but after cleaning out all the skeletons from my closet, I can't lie anymore. Physically can not lie.

6. I enjoy performing in front of strangers, but get nervous around my friends.

7. I have a burning desire to sing the national anthem at a sporting event.

8. I am a hopeless romantic...I love too deeply, and forget that I am worth more than I give myself credit for. I give in too easy, and should stand up for what I want in a relationship and not settle to make the other person happy.

9.  I often feel like a failure because of my divorce and think I've ruined my kids' emotional health.

10. I don't think I will ever find anyone who will love me the way I hoped to be loved.


That's it for day one. Tomorrow you get my 9 loves.