FEARS (8 of them!) - Day 3

Oh boy, what did I get myself into deciding to take on this challenge.  Who likes to sit and consider their fears?  I know I don't. And the more I think about the ones to include, the more anxiety I feel about the fears that I have.  Some are your normal ones that everyone has a fear of  (ie spiders or heights). Others are much deeper seeded emotional fears (loneliness, abandonment).  I don't know which ones will make this list of eight, but lets explore shall we?

1. I FEAR LOSING PEOPLE I LOVE. I fear that I am not enough, therefore I am too clingy and possessive and jealous, always trying to give more and more and more to make the other person see how much I love them. I fear I will push someone away because of this behavior and self confidence deficiency. I am honest when I say that I love to be the reason they smile, the reason for their laugh and their joy. If someone else makes them appear to be happier than they are with me, I will feel terrible and the vicious cycle of me not being enough starts over again. I know this is unrealistic.  "I" am not the cause of their happiness.  "I" do not have the power to "make" someone happy. "I" am not the only reason they smile, nor would I want to have that level of responsibility to maintain! I know all the reasons why this is an unrealistic fear, yet I still fear it, and obsess over it, and it tends to make things worse. 

2. I FEAR BEING ALONE. Not at home by myself watching TV, not going to the movies by myself, but the ALONE that you see in a nursing home, no spouse, no partner, no life long committed relationship. No one by my side when I pass away from old age. No one that I mean the world to. No one that means the world to me. 

3. I FEAR BEING AFRAID.  That's pretty deep, but I think I can explain. I didn't like knowing my X was serving a search warrant with armed and dangerous suspects waiting to ambush the police. I fear the unknown when the possibility of loss is as tangible as my racing heart beat. I fear all things that make me SCARED. I fear that adrenaline rush when it is related to a true FIGHT or FLIGHT reaction. This even extends to horror movies. I can not physically make myself watch another one. EVER.

4. I FEAR SNAKES. enough said.

5. I FEAR MISSING OUT ON MY CALLING IN LIFE. This is one reason I am trying so desperately to figure out who I am. Maybe my calling is to be an awesome Mom and raise four amazing kids. So far I am doing well with that. If there is another reason I am on this earth, I would like to realize what it is.

6. I FEAR LOSING MY MIND. Funny right? There are days that I wonder if I haven't lost it already! Seriously though, I think I could handle a physical handicap or problems with my health as long as my mind stays in tact. I do not want to be a burden to my children or to a health care system. I want to stay sharp and quick witted. I think I can persevere any problem as long as I have my wits about me. I watch my Dad, with the onset of dementia, and it scares me to think of the possibilities in the years ahead. 

7. I FEAR DISAPPOINTING OTHERS. I am well aware I am not supposed to worry about what others think of me. I also know that for most of my life, I allowed my self esteem to be measured by what my significant other thought and said about me. I know now that this is the worst thing you can do to yourself. I should be in control of how I feel about myself. I should be the one who decides when it is time to cut my hair, lose ten pounds, buy a new outfit or enroll in college classes again. I am not doing any of those things to please anyone else. I will do it to make myself happy and to feel good about myself.

8. I FEAR FALLING IN LOVE...with the wrong person, meaning with someone who doesn't feel the same about me as I do about them. I want the princess fairy-tale true love with a happily ever after ending. I don't know if that even exists. And if it does exist, I wouldn't even know how to find it because I am afraid to open up to the possibility of getting hurt if it doesn't work out. I don't need marriage again, I don't need a ceremony, I don't need anything but a commitment to stay faithful to each other, whatever that may look like for the two of us. In the end, I may look back on my life and realize I did have that, and I gave it all up because of my other fears getting in the way and sabotaging the perfect love. I am afraid of that too.