You Got This!

It's been more than a few hot minutes since I've written in this blog. I don't know where to start to recap the year that we will fondly refer to as 20/20, so I think I'll just skip it and forge ahead into the present time. 

I am a full-time student now, working on my degree in Business-Human Resource Management, and I'm also on a medical leave for several months due to a downhill skiing mishap last month. My youngest daughter is a senior in high school, my son just celebrated one year in the Navy, my second oldest daughter moved to Denver, and my oldest daughter is engaged to be married in December of this year. 

I've spent much time contemplating the timing of events over the last several months, and have come to the conclusion that God does have things under control. My little family is proof of that. With adversity and challenges all around us, everything has turned out for the best...in all situations. I hope you can take the time to find this true in your life as well. 

Even when the world around you seems to be going mad, just turn the focus inward and upward and you will begin to see so much good and so many blessings. You got this! 

Word of Intention 2020!

FAITHFUL. This is my word for 2020. This encompasses so many areas in my life.

I’ve been single 5 years after a 20 year marriage. I will have a faithful love.

I’ve been on a weight loss and health improvement journey and have been faithful to that new lifestyle, losing over 60 pounds in 6 months. I will meet my goal after another 20 pounds lost.

I have been a flight attendant for nearly four years, and I will show my faithfulness to the company and advance into another position.

My son will be leaving for Navy boot camp within a matter of weeks. I will support him and his journey, and model what faithful means to all four of my children.

There is so much this word will bring me this year. #oneword365

Re-views-olutions

Instead of New Years Resolutions, I wanted to take time to REVIEW and reflect on an incredible year! I saw a post that suggested taking 30 minutes to answer the following 10 questions:

1) What made this year unforgettable?

• I drastically improved my health

2) What did you enjoy doing this year?

• spending more quality time with my kids and traveling with them

3) Who/What is the one person/thing you are grateful for?

• my mother - she is my constant supporter, cheerleader and sounding board

4) What's your biggest win this year?

• losing 60 pounds in 6 months! Thank you Code Red!

5) What did you read/watch/listen to that made the biggest impact this year?

• guided sleep meditations...greatly improved the quality of my sleep!

6) What did you worry about most and how did it turn out?

• I worried for my daughter's health and well-being, and once I turned that worry into prayer, things are turning out just fine.

7) What was your biggest regret and why?

• I have no regrets, only lessons

8) What's one thing that changed about yourself?

• my outlook on my future - career, finances and love

9) What surprised you most this year?

• how happy and content I can be with just the simple things in life

10) If you could go back to last January 1st, what suggestions would you give your past self?

• stop doubting yourself and go for what you want!

Well, there you have it folks! In a nutshell, 2019 was a very successful year. I am joyfully anticipating the endless possibilities that come along with each new day. While it's great to claim the excitement over a new year and a new decade, I am going to continue taking life one day at a time and live each moment to my full potential. I know that at the end of the 366 days this year (we are given a FULL EXTRA DAY!) that I will be proud to review my accomplishments again. I am looking forward to surprising myself with the amount of growth and change this year is sure to bring. 

Wishing you all of the love, health and happiness you can handle!

Untangling the Knots

Let me start by saying I don't know anything about sailing. I would like to learn. I think I would really love it. I looked up "Sailing 101" before writing this blog entry, and learned "10 nautical and sailing terms everyone should know". I was immediately prompted to find the connections between life and sailing. Why did this come about? I am currently sitting on a catamaran named Aveia in the Kewalo Basin Harbor in Honolulu. More on that later.

Aft: the back of the ship (or aircraft in my world). Opposite the Bow

Bow: the front of the ship. Knowing the location of the front of the ship is important for defining the next two terms, Port and Starboard.

Port: when facing the Bow, the Port side is the LEFT

Starboard:when facing the Bow, the Starboard is RIGHT

Leeward: also known as lee, Leeward is the OPPOSITE direction that the wind is currently blowing.

Windward: the direction that the wind is currently blowing. Sailboats tend to move WITH the wind, making the windward direction an important sailing term to know.

Boom: the horizontal pole which extends from the bottom of the mast. Adjusting the boom to the direction of the wind is how a sailboat is able to harness power in order to move forwards or backwards.

Rudder: located under the boat, the rudder is a flat piece of wood, fiberglass or metal that is used to steer the ship. Larger sailboats control the rudder using a wheel. Smaller sailboats control the rudder with a steering mechanism directly aft.

Tacking: this basic sailing maneuver refers to turning the bow of the boat through the wind so that the wind changes from on side of the boat to the other side. (The boom of a boat will always shift from one side to the other when performing a tack or a jibe.)

Jibing: The opposite of tacking, this basic sailing maneuver refers to turning the stern of the boat through the wind so that the wind changes from one side of the boat to the other side. (The boom of a boat will always shift from one side to the other when performing a tack or a jibe.)

Remember I said I was currently sitting on a catamaran? How did I get here, and if I know NOTHING about sailing (and I'm not on here to go for a ride) then why am I on a boat? Alone. Enjoying the views and the solitude in Honolulu, and contemplating what all of this has to do with me and sailing?

If you have read any of my blogs, I seem to tell you a story then try to make a connection. Today I am attempting to make the connection, and the story is still developing. I may not be able to tell you all of it. But here is how it began:

I have been on a journey of self discovery, of unbecoming what I once was, and becoming the me that I know. I've broken down bricks, peeled back layers, and shed skin that had built up and blocked my truest self. I have fought long, hard, deep, and nonstop for my voice and my message that I can collect, analyze, organize and share with others. I've sought to inspire and encourage those around me that are ready to do the same.

One of the absolute hardest things for me to do recently was admit the past five years have caused me to be a financial failure. The first of those five years, I worked as a flight attendant, leaving a 20 year career in dental, and moving from nearly $50k/year to $16k/year. It destroyed me. At the time, I made the move so my children would have flight benefits to see their father who had moved to Minnesota. I needed a change myself, and followed a lifelong dream of mine to pursue this new career. I honestly saw the possibility of increasing my income over time. I did not realize the huge impact this decision would make.

A year later, I picked up a "second job", but that second job was full time, Monday through Friday. There were periods of time I worked over 40 days without a day off. This lasted for two full years. I became sick, depressed, tired, irritable, miserable, short of breath, achey, and fat. Holy cow was I ever gaining weight at record speed. I couldn't get enough sleep or food. Always hungry, always tired, always mad, and the worst was, I was disappointed in myself. Not only disappointed, but embarrassed. Dare I say, I hated myself. I hated putting my kids in a position to have access to free lunches (which they wouldn't use because they too were embarrassed), of being on medicaid, and for a short time, collecting food stamp assistance. I was angry. I was resentful. I was not who I was made to be.

The fourth year I got sick. So sick I had emergency blood transfusions and a year of iron treatments. All of my veins in my arms were blown, so I went through surgery to receive a power port and started getting treatments through that instead. I had to take leave completely from the airline job, and was gone quite a bit from my other job as well. I had two more surgeries during this time as well, on my shoulder and foot. Money again decreased and I had to accept a lot of help from my mother. At the end of this year, I decided to make a huge change. I decided I had not been giving myself the care or love that I deserve. I had been single nearly 4 1/2 years at this point and jealous of my friends that were in relationships, and here I was single and no prospects of a healthy relationship in sight. I knew I couldn't accept any one else's love unless I loved myself, but I had no idea how to do that yet. The 5th year would turn out to be pivotal and powerful.

This April, I saw a friend of mine that had transformed herself in a few short months. While I am mostly talking appearance and weight, I also saw her self-confidence skyrocket. I felt prompted to follow her journey and start getting a handle on myself. Over the course of the next 6 months, from May to November, I lost nearly 60 pounds. Aside from the physical weight that was shed, I also shed decades of emotions and past trauma that had been weighing me down as well. I was seen for a followup medical appointment at the beginning of September. My health had improved fully, and I was released from medical leave by my doctors and given permission to return to flying. This put me in a difficult situation with my second job, as I had just received my teaching credentials and had started teaching 9th grade Business Computer Applications for the Nampa School District. However, I had not gotten my contract yet, and had to decided what direction I would choose...

So back to where I am right now...on this catamaran, looking at the lines that run up the mast to raise and lower the sail. The lines look like a tangled mess, yet they are straightened out when they are in use. That got me thinking about the winds needed to get moving. Sometimes we feel like we have the leeward winds of adversity, blowing us off course and stalling our progress. Or how about those windward winds, pushing us so much faster than we could go on our own? What is our lives is our rudder, the small yet very powerful piece that determines our direction? Our tongue? Our thoughts? I'm sitting here alone, on this amazing sailboat, wanting to draw connections to something I know little about. I'm truly fascinated. I have just added another item to my bucket list...learn to sail. My lines are untangled and I am definitely ready to set sail. Bring on the winds... (oh, and maybe a Captain too... I still don't know how to sail!)

What I saw at check-in (found this through Airbnb)

The sunrise as seen from the Catamaran. Coffee and meditation time!

Until next time, Aveia

Code Red 10 Pound Takedown Challenge

10poundtakedownchallenge.com

Me and Mitchell Tenpenny

This was as close as I wanted to get to a full length picture. I have gained over 55 pounds in the past 5 years. Five years ago, I needed to lose 25 pounds. That makes me a WHOPPING 75 pounds overweight. For those of you that say I look just fine, Thank you...but I am NOT healthy carrying around that extra weight! Yes, I "carry it well". I don't have an excessively out of proportion belly or butt. I have packed it on evenly dispersed from head to cankles. The time has come to remove all 75 pounds of excess baggage. I am excited and motivated to succeed on my very last weight loss attempt. 

If you click on the link at the very beginning of this blog, a new window will open with information on the "Challenge" that I have accepted. This is my accountability blog filled with my food journal, progress pages, photos of meals, and mental and emotional struggles and victories. The challenge officially starts May 13th, but I've already transitioned into following the rules and have lost 7 pounds already...68 to go! 

I hope you will continue to stay with me for the next 30 days for the challenge, or even longer, to see what I accomplish! 

Thanks you for dropping by!

UPDATE!  I decided to take my blogging and food journal to a private page with likeminded individuals that were all competing in the same challenge. It proved to be beneficial, and as much as I would have loved to share the mental journey of losing 60 pounds (yes, I still have 15-25 to go...my goal weight is lower than I first planned because I KNOW it is attainable now!) I am happy that I kept it within the group of "Code Red Rebels" that were so supportive. 

So here is my "during" weight-loss photo with Cristy, the mastermind behind the Code Red Lifestyle.

I also have this before and during photo...

Left, January 5, 2019. Right, November 20, 2019.

Power of Positivity

What if every thought you created in your mind, had an equal consequence that directly effected your life? What if all those complaints you made about your aching back, your headache, the horrible drivers, the rude customers, the lack of money, the noisy neighbors, the cold weather...what if you replaced them with the opposite, creating a positive thought instead? How different would your life be?

Energy is all around us. The frequency at which you choose to live your life is responsible for all things that happen around you. We all know that ONE person, who walks into a room and brings the light with them. They instantly draw positive attention and you want to be near them. We also know that ONE person who walks into a room and sucks all the energy OUT of the room. The mood sours, and you can't wait to get away from them. Energy is a powerful thing. It's time to check out your vibrational energy and see which person You are. You'll be surprised how much you can change your life by simply raising the frequency you operate on. 

Here's a simple list of a few ways to change your vibrational frequency. Read the full article here: www.earthunchained.com/vibrational-frequency

Practice self love 

Pursue new adventures

Project your true self

Appreciate beauty

Practice thankfulness with a daily gratitude diary

Learn to give without expectations

Avoid gossip and negativity

Adopt an active lifestyle

Breath deeply

Face your fears

Surround yourself with positive people

Laugh to bring instant joy into your life

The saying "you get what you give" also applies here. If all you focus on is the negative, you will only reap negativity in return. It may not happen overnight for you, but I promise, if you consistently practice gratitude and kindness, the power of positivity will absolutely change your life.

"Head Down, Eyes Up" ~ Chase Rice

When I first saw this brand a couple of years ago, I immediately assumed it had a more "prayer" connotation to it. Like bow your head, but keep looking up towards God in your daily actions. I also took it to mean "stay humble" with your head "down" and keep your eyes up looking forward. This is how Chase Rice explains what has become his motto:

Everyone can have their own interpretation, or use it for what it means for them personally...either way it is to help you get through struggles, encourage you to keep moving forward, and inspire you to reach your goals. "Head Down, Eyes Up". Simple, direct, meaningful. Thank you for sharing your story with the world, Chase Rice. Your messages, your motivation, your example and your grit are just some of the reasons I love music so much. There's usually a story behind every artist. I want to find out as much as I can from the ones I spend my time and money on.

Read on to see what inspired this motto and enjoy a couple of his songs... the first one being an incredible tribute to our troops, and the second one from his new album being released in November.

HDEU for me started my junior year at the University of North Carolina. I was injured the very first game of the season (a season during which I was expected to be one of the top players on our team) and I was left with an ankle that needed rehab and a heart and mind that were crushed.

I was in the weight room at the beginning of my rehab and I looked up into the mirror to see myself in a way that I had never seen myself before. I looked mad. Not “mad at the world” or even mad at my situation – mad like the man in the mirror craved only one result: Victory.

I was at a crossroads and saw myself in that mirror with my head down, but my eyes were up. I was staring at a man who was ready to do everything he could to fight for success and redemption.

From that day on, “Head Down Eyes Up” became my personal motto; my way of life to succeed not by looking at an end result, but by fighting every step of the way, focusing only on each moment in front of me. I've had a lot of ups and downs since that day in the weight room, including the loss of my dad (he was my best friend) nearly seven months later. Through it all, I've kept my head down and my eyes up, and they are locked in on every small step of the way that leads to victory.

Head Down, Eyes Up.

And a special Thank you to Michelle for my new HDEU hat! Whatever obstacles are in your way, you know I will face them with you.  I love you my friend!

And so...the adventure begins!

You may notice a new design, a new title and new feel to my blog. If you have been with me from the beginning, this started out as "Limitless Linda ~ The Creation of Ms. Wallace".  Then, about a year into my blogging, I felt the need to change the title to "The Discovery of Ms. Wallace". I'm thrilled to have made it through the toughest 2 1/2 years of my life, and I'm ready for yet another Blog Title.  Limitless Linda ~ The Adventures of Ms. Wallace.

I took time to CREATE a new life. I then spent many months DISCOVERING myself, my hopes, dreams, fears, and plans for the future. Now comes the fun part. The next chapter is all about ADVENTURES. This may sound like it will be a travel blog, but traveling will likely be the least of my upcoming adventures. I am focusing on career, leadership, teaching and mentoring, and yes, along with my job at Horizon Air, I am sure there will be a few travel adventures as well. I am beyond excited for the coming year. I am hoping you will follow along with me and watch my world change before your very eyes.

Thinking good thoughts...

"Your thoughts are incredibly powerful. They actually govern not only you but those around you. Think about it, if you think positively about the people you’re around, their lives are better. This is why people “send positive energy” or pray for other people. It actually makes a difference. Your thoughts create endless ripples — even waves — of consequence all around you."
https://journal.thriveglobal.com/if-youre-too-busy-for-these-5-things-your-life-is-more-off-course-than-you-think-b54f102598b0
I read this article today and it definitely spoke to me. For nearly three years now, I have been consciously trying to follow my passions. With the tips and guidance in this article, I feel like I will be able to fine tune the areas of my life that still need to get on track.
I'm very happy I chose the path I did after my divorce. I think of how different everything would be if I had stayed in victim mode, remained angry or sought out revenge. I truly believe in the power of positivity and living out 
your passion. Please take a few minutes and explore the link to the article above. 

Last time for everything

I heard this song a few weeks ago for the first time.

I was filled with a profound sense of nostalgia, sadness and loss. I spent a few moments with these feeling, listening to the lyrics and ruminating over things in my life that have happened, both routine and what some consider tragic, when my feelings took a turn for the positive. Immediately I began to look at things differently. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 reminds us there there is a time and season for everything under the heavens. I have been so afraid to let go, trying to have control over things and even people, that I forget I am not the one in control here. I need to surrender. I need to step back and allow what is best for me to take place.

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. 

With every last time usually comes a first time for something else. I pray your firsts are full of adventure and love.

Headwaters...

Headwaters are the source of a river or stream, the literal waters that feed the river. There are a number of ways to define headwaters, and a number of potential sources of water to feed rivers and streams. In some cultures, people have mystical associations with these waters, especially those of major rivers which play a vital role in their communities, and these people may view the place as the source of life for the community as well as the literal source of water for the stream. As a result, shrines are sometimes established at sites identified as headwaters.

One way to think about headwaters is to imagine walking along the banks of a river or stream until it vanished. This furthest point along the river could be considered the headwaters. Some people consider this to be the furthest conceivable point from which water could flow in a watershed, whether or not the place is bearing water, and as a result, the location may move around. Others consider the headwaters to be the furthest point that supplies water throughout the year, making the location a stable, static place.        Source: wiseGEEK.com

My room in Yakima tonight has a balcony that overlooks the Naches River. It's flowing fast, it's just loud enough to use as white noise while I sleep (as long as I also crank the heat up in my room), and it's the perfect backdrop for reflection while I write. 

I'm envious of this water. I feel the need for movement in my life. So much has happened over the past two and a half years. I'm in a place I couldn't have ever imagined back then. However, I am once again at the point of "whats next"? I have experienced so much grown and change, yet I am eager for more. For some reason I haven't been doing as many of the smaller things that brought me so much joy...dancing, painting, concerts. Granted, my schedule is crazy with flying, and when I'm home, I just want to spend time with my children. But the urge is growing...I feel another change coming on and I just can't seem to identify the source of the anticipation.

Oh, and on a side note, the ex is getting married this week! I'm genuinely very happy for him, but he probably will never understand or want to believe that. It's not that I think he wants me to be miserable about it, but I just don't think he realizes I'm so over our relationship that I've been happy for him for a really long time! Good for him! I hope he makes this one last another twenty years. As for myself, I am thoroughly enjoying discovering my strengths, working on improving myself, and accomplishing my dreams. Cheers Ben! I probably won't ever tell you in person, but I wish you and Kelsey much success in your second marriages.

I am where I am TODAY

Tomorrow is my 2nd Divorciversary...January 31, 2015 I became a single woman after 20 years of marriage.  In those 20 years, I experienced what I believe were the happiest moments of my life...the birth of each one of my four amazing children, numerous milestones with each one, high school and college graduations, and so on and so forth. While listening to and watching Brad Paisley's song "Today", it dawned on me that lately I've been feeling like all the milestone and happiest moments of my life have already taken place.

I then took a few moments to reflect on the past two years. I've taken my kids to Disneyland, my son to MLB games, my youngest to Anchorage, Alaska, sent another daughter to Washington DC, visited my oldest a few times while she was working at Pebble Beach, I've been skydiving, learned to paint, performed burlesque, changed CAREERS, seen Niagara Falls, fallen in and out of love, survived disappointment, heartbreak, financial issues, lost my father to colon cancer, and SO MUCH MORE. I feel I have LIVED and EXPERIENCED more in the last two years than I ever had in the past. I am bursting with pride because of how resilient my kids have been through all the changes. I'm proud of myself for keeping my chin up and being positive 99.7% of the time.

I feel like I have made it through the worst of times. I have faith that more "happiest moments of my life" are still ahead of me. I believe I will be even more in love and have an amazing relationship with someone I can grow old with, I'll see my children raise families of their own, and I'll travel to places I had once only dreamed of. I vow to never lose hope, to always have dreams to pursue, to inspire my children to follow their passions, and always keep smiling...being grateful for everything I am blessed with.

I have also reached the rule of 10% (Being divorced 10% of the length of the time I was married). This holds another significance for me. I'm moving on. I'm happy with my choices, my children, my career, my health, my friends, and my future. My goal? Make every TODAY something I want to remember and look back on fondly. 

'Twas the night before birthday...

Twas the night before birthday and all through the house
Laundry was washing, uniform pants and a blouse
The towels were all folded and stacked with great care
Underwear and socks piled up on the chair

The birthday girl (me) sprawled across my king bed
While memories of the past year ran through my head
While Liz in her Jammie's and Danny in shorts
Were finishing homework and writing reports

When straight from my cell phone arose a great noise
I turned and retrieved it expecting great joys
Alas it was nothing more than a new email chime
I dropped the phone down and resigned to bedtime

I stood up to close the blinds for the night
But froze in my steps at the beautiful sight
The last bit of sun on the horizons expanse
Demanded attention not just a quick glance

I stood and I stared at the beautify sky
And choked back the tears welling up in my eye
Another day gone, not just any day
The last day of the year before my birthday

My children, new friends
A Job that I love
My health, my home
So much I'm proud of
From the start of the day
To the end of the night
I give thanks and pray that
I keep up the good fight

As dry leaves before the wild hurricane breeze
When met with obstacles, we drop to our knees
So down I went to give thanks and request
Courage and comfort and plenty of rest

And then in a moment I felt in my soul
The peaceful feeling I had as my goal
As I stood from my prayer and got into bed
I thought about my exciting new year ahead

I was covered in shivers from my head to my toe
As I acknowledged My Trials are how I will grow
The weight of the world I carried with me
Felt lifted, a bit lighter, I can be free

My eyes, how they twinkled!  My dimple, how merry!
My cheeks were rosy the color of cherries
My smile was genuine and quick
And I flashed my grin with a lick of my lips.

I spoke not a word but went straight to work
Writing this poem trying not to smirk
At last I was done, took a deep breath of air
Closed out the blog, hit save and then share.

I sprang to my feet, brushed my teeth and my hair
Climbed back into bed without a worry or care
In my heart I felt calm, everything was alright
Happy birthday to me I thought and to you a goodnight.

Wandering Minds (50th post)

February 8, 2015 I published my first blog post. Today on July 30, 2016 this will be my 50th. I've had a lot to say, but I was mostly just scratching at the surface of the real underlying issues in many of my wordy ramblings. I write to clear my own head. I don't write to gain followers or create a fan base. I don't even write to help other people out. Someday, maybe, that will be a goal...right now it's for me...and for those of you reading this, you probably won't understand unless you've been in my shoes, or can read my wandering mind

I sent a catty text to the ex yesterday congratulating him and his girlfriend on their two year anniversary. He flew out to meet her for the first time two years ago this week. I wasn't proud of myself after sending it. It was a stupid jab at him that made me realize I'm still holding a lot of anger towards the situation. Two years later and he's still with the same person he cheated on me with and I am not in a relationship like that. I've had a couple of people in and out of my life, and I keep telling myself I don't want to get into anything serious until my kids are out of school...I'm trying to avoid creating any more turmoil in their world. At least that's the excuse I've been using. However, right now, as I try to open myself up to a new relationship, I feel I will still somehow ruin it.

I've been told I talk too much and I'm too loud. I've heard this since grade school. This isn't news to me. But when you hear it again from someone you care about and realize how annoying you can be to them, it hurts. My friends already know this about me...sometimes I am funny, sometimes I am embarrassing, I mean well, and a good majority of the time I am nothing but positive energy. However, when something comes up that reminds you of the crap you were fed from your ex husband for 20 years, it hurts...a lot. I've tried to change. I've tried to think before I speak. I've tried to stay quiet and let things go. It works for some things, but not for everything. I feel the need to explain, and give history, and defend myself, and then fill in details and more history until I have completely exhausted everyone around me. There's a fine line between standing up for yourself and trying to convince someone else of your worth. I have crossed that line in the past and I don't want to do it again. I have also realized that just because I talk a lot, that doesn't make me an expert communicator.

So one of the big huge changes I'm going to make is to be a better listener and talk less. No interrupting, no finishing sentences, no jumping to conclusions. I'm also trying not to swear. Lofty goals...I know. My first fifty posts were pretty ridiculous if you ask me...I've now re-read all of them and I'm embarrassed how much I put out here, and what a mess I went through. As for the next fifty posts? I'm looking forward to seeing growth, maturity, more self respect and less scratching at the surface.

And where my mind wanders to? That is where my heart is. It's risky, but it's worth it...and so am I.

A Better Place and a Healed Heart - a very simple post 🎶

I've listened to a LOT of Pandora lately. I listen to it falling asleep, throughout my day, in hotels on overnights away from home, biking, working out, absolutely any time I can. Looking back, music has always been important to me. I began playing piano around age 4, then started playing the flute in elementary school and played flute and percussion instruments through college. I also sang in performing choir and continued singing in college. I originally majored in music with the intention of becoming a middle school band director (thank you Mr Walton for making it look like a glamorous career) but never finished. I never, ever lost my passion for music though. In fact, it has only intensified.

There are few people who really understand me...but the ones who do completely relate to my obsession with music. My friend Michelle and I went to too many concerts last year to count, and I went to even more without her. I have another friend who I can message "guess what I am thinking right now" and the answer has evolved to always come back with song lyrics. Even as I'm writing this, I am listening to lyrics that make my heart happy and bring a smile to my face.

I am convinced I was born with a musical force field around me. My feelings are triggered by melodies, both familiar and new, and are awakened to a level of alertness that can't be explained. I fall in love with songs and people in the same way...I feel something from them. I am a passionate person...often I am worried I am too much for people to handle...but not for the right person. When that person comes along, I know they will understand me, accept me for who I am and fall in love with my soul just like their favorite music. I am in such a better place than this time last year. My heart has definitely healed. The world is a better place with a melody, with lyrics, and with love. I can truly relate to the song below. 💛

Uncertain Future~a perfect Sunday thought

There has been so much on my mind lately, and an unbelievable amount of things in my life have occurred. Since my last entry, my life has drastically changed. It was less than three months ago when I ranted about "not being strong anymore". I was so done putting on my brave face. Then I resigned to just hand everything over to God and let my life take shape as it should. I realized I was interfering too much in my own life. 

I don't get religious too often for a reason...but this bible verse completely jumped out at me today and I absolutely have to honor that. 

Over the past few months, I have had a complete change of heart in what I want my future to look like. It looks so different than when I first got divorced. I have met an incredible group of people that I'm so proud to call my friends and coworkers and work family. I've made connections that I am positive will be life long. These people were brought into my life for a reason, and I was brought into their lives for a reason too. My nickname during ground school was "Momma Linda", and I really do care about these people. 

The more I relax about my own future and just let things unfold, I am noticing the struggles that others are going through. Relationship issues, personal struggles, financial problems, depression...the list goes on and on. I hope that I have the words of encouragement that lift them up or help them find the help they need to work on the issues themselves.

Then there is my best friend...I absolutely believe God blessed me with her because she is the only person that can handle me, understand me, sympathize with me, identify my needs and completely anticipate my moods and reactions to the events life throws at me. 

God really is watching out for me. I have had people brought into my life that have absolutely changed me. I have had more passion, drive, happiness, sense of accomplishment and pride in myself than I have EVER experienced in my life. My children have seen my true self emerge. I am trying to balance that with helping them understand this is a process they will be going through as well someday. I really do believe this is what "finding yourself" looks like. 

This week my oldest daughter turns 21, my ex husband and his girlfriend are visiting from Minnesota and the kids will meet her, I will be traveling as much as possible (to mostly avoid that), and I will be in one of the happiest phases in my life. I am cautiously optimistic however, because it seems like when everything is going so well, there will always be something that creeps in and tries to steal your joy and happiness, tries to break you, tries to bring you down. I have to remember that God is watching out for me. He knows what is in my best interest. Hard times put the shine into the diamond (Dierks Bentley~Riser). And I plan on shining bright for a long time.

I'm Done Being Strong

I hit a wall today. The last few days, no weeks, okay actually the last several months have been incredibly difficult and I have not reached out for any help and I've tried not to complain. I focus on all of the good things happening in my life. I am grateful for all the positives...good health, great children, enough money to barely pay the bills, a new job with great health insurance coming up, and endless blessings I have. I have no right to complain. But sometimes I get tired of being Pollyanna, always playing the Glad Game. 

I was married for 20 years. Obviously it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, or we would still be together...but more often than not, we were there for each other. He has moved on and straight into another situation where he has someone caring for him again. I do not. I have not. Dating here and there is completely different that being committed to someone, and having someone to look out for you. Someone to help me with car troubles. Someone to go car shopping with because one has broken down and another one is about to. Someone to notice and pick up on little things I've commented on and show me they care about me. I miss that. A LOT. And I know I'm not ready for that, because I could have had it and I pushed it away. I want to be fine by myself. I want to be there for my kids and make them priority, not some other person in my life. It might be different if my situation was different, but these kids are with me 100%. They are my priority. 

As I start this new journey and new career, I have worried that I'm being judged by others as being selfish for pursuing my dream of being a flight attendant, that somehow I won't be a good mom anymore. That I have put my dreams ahead of the needs of my kids. To those of you who have thought that...are you KIDDING me? I am busting my ass to get into a career field that will provide exceptional medical, dental and vision and countless other benefits for my family and can get them off of Medicaid. I worked in dental 20 years and could never offer insurance to my kids. Thankfully they have always been covered under their dad...until he lost his job and moved out of state, and that left ME to figure out how to take care of them 100%. Sure, I've sounded excited, and looked excited, and posted exciting things about this new career...but it is going to be hard work, long hours, and not the least bit glamorous at the bottom of the seniority pool. I have to leave my children for an entire month for training, when I've never been away from them longer than 8 days. I am making sacrifices so I can take care of them better. I'm trying to do something I love for work so that I can remain in the position long term and have security for the future. I can not count on some other man's money or retirement to come in to play. I have to be prepared to do this myself for the long haul. And that scares the hell out of me.

So, as this journey is about to start...I am only putting on the brave face for my kids. I only care about what they are feeling and concerned with. I am done playing strong and brave faced for everyone else. I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm excited, but most importantly, I am just doing the best I can to be successful and work hard and raise great kids.

42 years in the making...

It's liberating when you decide to be single (or when the decision is made for you and you willingly embrace it I guess?) I can't give myself all of the credit for just deciding to become single. I went through rejection again and AGAIN. I consciously ignored and pushed away people who could have been part of my life, and they did the same to me...so really it was a combined effort. They deserve credit too...but truly the decision to be at PEACE with it was mine. As I mentioned previously, I've had either an all-consuming crush, a boyfriend, a husband, or a male significant other since around the age of 14. I wasn't even allowed to date until I was 16, but that didn't keep me from becoming wrapped up with boys long before that. 

Looking back on each fixation or relationship, I am now able to analyze the good and the bad experiences and how they shaped my thinking about myself and men in general. I'm not proud to say that I blamed a lot of bad things on men. I can truly say that I never trusted men, EVER, while growing up. I watched my parents marriage, and even though their 50th wedding anniversary is this May, it wasn't the model marriage for three daughters to learn about love and trust. I won't get into all of that, because this is about MY decision and how I messed up...not my parents or sisters marriages. Just know, that even though I wasn't exposed to the perfect union, I was free to form my own opinion and views, and I often chose wrong. 

I believe there is more than one someone for each one of us out there. More than just "the one". In fact, I think there are several "soul mates" that we will recognize during our lives. Did we know these people before we were born, or maybe as some would question "from another life"? These are all much deeper and philosophical subjects than what I am willing to write about, so for now let's assume that the people we interact with during our lives were placed in our path for a reason deeper than we understand at this point in time. I've seen it play out in my own life, and if we are truly paying attention to the lessons we've already learned in life, many of you can relate to this. I am not trying to convince anyone that "everything happens for a reason". If that were the case, death, sickness and tragedy would be nothing more than a sick joke. What I believe, and is easier to accept, is there is a lesson to be learned from each experience we go through. These moments are the ones I look back on and understand "it happened for a reason" or "it was meant to be". You should, and will eventually, pick up the pieces and make the best of a tragedy and learn to overcome.

From what most of you know about me, you assume I am the least qualified to write about tragedy or loss or horrific life events. With the exception of war and military service and loss of life, I've been through more than I will ever share on a public blog. Things that should have ended my life and didn't. Situations that broke me but not my spirit. Many of the things I won't write about yet happened in the hands of men. I believed I had the right to hate men and began to believe I was nothing more than an object. My ex husband knew this, and while he desperately tried to help fix these issues, they eventually compounded into deeper trust issues with him...up until the grand finale of our twenty year marriage ending in infidelity and divorce. One cynical view would be "I was right" and continue on mistrusting men. I choose NOT to live the remainder of my life this way. I'm taking credit for my part in feeding into this myth that men can't be trusted. I'll put this out there for what it's worth...IF YOU DONT TRUST YOURSELF, YOU WILL NEVER TRUST ANYONE ELSE. 

This is where my trust issue came from. I was ill-equipped in the trust department. I had already made poor choices. I continued to make poor choices. I had to stop making poor choices at some point. Choices become patterns and patterns become habits. Bad habits are heard to break. I have learned through painful processes to not only trust myself, but to love myself and acknowledge that I am the one person who I can depend on to get me through anything in my life. It is because I can trust myself with that task that I can now trust others. This wasn't an overnight epiphany. This journey has been 42 years in the making, but the clarity did appear overnight. There was a vivid moment of realization that my journey through hell was over. 

I have friends right now going through similar relationship difficulties that I've experienced, and as much as I want to jump in and tell them what they need to do, I remember that each of us have a different path in life to take. Your answers are already inside you. Your road maps, your life GPS, is waiting to give you directions...you just have to decide where you are going to go. Your free will can take you on endless detours that might be pleasant or painful. It's all up to you. But whatever choices you decide to make, be willing and able to take accountability for them. There is nothing worse than blaming others for your situation. Be responsible, learn to trust yourself, and you will learn to enjoy the journey so much more.

I have many friends, my counselor and a few people from churches that I thank for their contributions to my journey. I would say thank you, but the chances they are reading this are slim, and if you are reading it, the chances you know how much you've helped me are even slimmer. THANK YOU

Being SINGLE

I am an honest to God, single, grown-ass adult woman. It is the first time in my LIFE than I can make this claim. This is the first time since I was a boy-crazy teenager, that I haven't had a boyfriend. I have no one to check in with, I have no one offering their affection, I have no one that I am showering with my affection. I am SINGLE. I am counting on MYSELF to get through my troubles and celebrating my joys with my kids and female friends. During the first year after my divorce I felt I needed someone constantly, I feared I would be alone forever, I didn't know how to go from married for twenty years to being alone. I had a transition period that involved one very close friend that I knew from childhood, and a couple of other people that I met and felt were important to me. Somehow, magically, when I hit my one year divorciversary on January 30, 2016, I felt an intense need to be unattached. I don't know if it's a burning desire to prove to myself I am a capable, independent, smart and confident woman, or if I am determined to get to know who I am and what I want before morphing into a version of what someone else expects me to be.

Here are some interesting things I discovered in that first year:

• I was a people pleaser. I didn't realize this...I thought I just agreed with things my husband wanted to do so we could spend time together...but quickly realized I found myself doing things with others and for others I didn't have interest in just to avoid conflict or to make them happy, even if I was miserable.
• I morphed into what the other person was...the ex was into weight lifting, so I became a gym rat with him. If he liked his eggs a certain way, that's how I ate them. If he liked certain music,  I started listening to it as well. If he didn't like someone, I in turn didn't like them (or at least didn't act like I did). I NEVER thought for myself. I didn't make my own decisions. I depended upon being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and never questioned why. I continued to act like this after the divorce and rarely made decisions without getting approval from a second party.
• I needed validation and wasn't getting it in my marriage. I questioned whether I was a good person or not. I knew I was an excellent mother, but I wasn't an excellent wife and felt I wasn't a very good friend either. My self esteem was rarely evident. I questioned my worth constantly. 
• I felt the only time I could be myself was when I was alone. I was always looking for some kind of escape. I couldn't stand for other people to see me in my family setting...I felt like a fraud.
• Even when I was alone, I was uncomfortable with myself.

All of these things have changed...drastically!  Yes, I've opened myself up to more genres of music now, but it's because I LIKE THEM. I listen to country and admit it, even if the person I'm with isn't a fan.  I eat my eggs however I'm in the mood for them. I make decisions to do things without checking for approval first (just notify my kids where I am). I see my counselor purely for the enjoyment of bouncing ideas off of her instead of fretting there is something wrong with my head. I go to movies and dinner by myself and enjoy it! I love being my own company. I don't seek validation from men or women. I love myself. I am an incredible person and IF AND WHEN the right man comes along, he will be blown away by me. That is NOT cockiness. I am finally confident. It wasn't anyone who instilled that in me, it was ME...I am enough. I am the example of Stuart Smalley in front of his mirror stating positive affirmations. I will not waste any more of my time questioning why, how, when and who will make me feel better. I did it. You need to do it on your own. And it helps to figure it out while you are SINGLE. 

Good luck if you still are getting there. You can do it. I believe in you. You ARE enough...if you aren't enough for someone else, that is not your problem. We always have something we can improve about ourselves, but it's not going to come solely in the form of physical attributes. It's your heart, your soul, and your head. It's how you think, what you feel and what you believe. Work on that. Then work on it some more. And the whole time you are working on it, be positive. Seek out beauty in the world. Focus on thing that are RIGHT in your world. Smile at people, compliment others, do good for other people. You will see things change right before your eyes. One day you will realize, just like I did suddenly, that you've made it. 

💜💜💜

GHOSTS and DEMONS

There is a common belief that demons are fallen angels and ghosts are dead humans. This theory is the core of difference between the ghosts and demons. Demons do not have earthly origin and hence they are considered to possess stronger powers than ghosts. But, why is it so that the ghosts are not as powerful as the demons? It certainly depends on what one believes. Demons are considered as fallen angels and hence their power is expected to be higher than the average ghosts or dead human.

Depending on your beliefs regarding this, one might also be sensitive to the fact that you carry ghosts from your past along with you into new relationships and new experiences. You let them cloud and distort your views of not only the present, but also the future. Worse than the ghosts from your past, you carry Demons that dictate your behavior and your judgement.

Ok, this all sounds a little spooky right? But if you don't think of it in a halloween or wicked witch sort of way, and think of these ghosts and demons as your emotional baggage, it's just a way to name them and deal with them. Everybody has their past. Everyone has their tragedies and triumphs. Everyone carries guilt, anger or shame that is hidden away and locked up tight. The healthy ones have been through counseling and have learned to let it out. Too many still believe if they keep their ghosts and demons hidden they will never escape to cause problems. How very, very wrong they are.

Through any life change, there will be elements of your past that continue into the present. The trick is to try to allow only the ones that will enhance or enrich your life from this point forward. This goes for people, objects, relationships, memories, etc. If you allow the demons, or the issues you fought so hard to rid yourself of, a place to comfortably reside in your present, the future will be full of anxiety, worry and ghosts.

Get rid of the things, people, situations and toxins from your past. Give yourself an opportunity to free yourself from the chains and start living again.