WANTS - Day 4

Well, after yesterdays post about fears, I spent a good portion of the day and night dwelling on those. Mostly about the sabotaging of relationships and driving people away from me. Funny thing was pointed out to me...the conversations I have in my head are always so much worse than conversations in real life. I will start my list of wants right there:

1. I want to live in the present. Stop worrying about the "what if's" of the future and the "should have's" of the past. I want to make the best choices with the information I have available RIGHT NOW. I want to enjoy this day, this hour, this moment.

2. I want to drive out fear with love. I said in my post of nine loves that I am learning to love myself. I want to learn faster. I do believe that I can replace many of my fears with love. I think this will help myself tremendously, but it will also help my children see my strength and determination to be a gracious, compassionate, happy person that isn't afraid to live life to the fullest.

3. I want to have adventures. I want to make every day an adventure in even the smallest way. Find or do and appreciate something amazing that I normally wouldn't do. Salsa dancing lesson was an adventure. My summer road trips will be adventures. I also want to accomplish big adventures ...bucket list adventures.

4. I want my great love. I want to be needed, appreciated, spoiled a little, taken care of but above all else, LOVED. It doesn't have to be this instant...I just want to know love like this exists for me.  

5. I want my children to be okay. Actually, better than okay. I want them to be successful, determined, happy and well rounded. I am trying to show them by example, but sometimes fail in several areas on any given day. I keep trying though. I want them to know how important they are and how much each of them are loved and that I admire them for their resilience. I think my kids are pretty amazing. I am so proud of each one of them.

6. I want to be out of debt. I want to have flexibility in my work situation so I don't have to constantly make enough money to just get by each month.

7. I want to be at peace. I want to let go of the hurt and anger and malice I feel. I want to let others make their own decisions about where and how I fit into their life and accept whatever the outcome is. I want to make my own decisions about where and how other people will fit into my life and release the ones that don't fit. I just want everything to be okay...

FEARS (8 of them!) - Day 3

Oh boy, what did I get myself into deciding to take on this challenge.  Who likes to sit and consider their fears?  I know I don't. And the more I think about the ones to include, the more anxiety I feel about the fears that I have.  Some are your normal ones that everyone has a fear of  (ie spiders or heights). Others are much deeper seeded emotional fears (loneliness, abandonment).  I don't know which ones will make this list of eight, but lets explore shall we?

1. I FEAR LOSING PEOPLE I LOVE. I fear that I am not enough, therefore I am too clingy and possessive and jealous, always trying to give more and more and more to make the other person see how much I love them. I fear I will push someone away because of this behavior and self confidence deficiency. I am honest when I say that I love to be the reason they smile, the reason for their laugh and their joy. If someone else makes them appear to be happier than they are with me, I will feel terrible and the vicious cycle of me not being enough starts over again. I know this is unrealistic.  "I" am not the cause of their happiness.  "I" do not have the power to "make" someone happy. "I" am not the only reason they smile, nor would I want to have that level of responsibility to maintain! I know all the reasons why this is an unrealistic fear, yet I still fear it, and obsess over it, and it tends to make things worse. 

2. I FEAR BEING ALONE. Not at home by myself watching TV, not going to the movies by myself, but the ALONE that you see in a nursing home, no spouse, no partner, no life long committed relationship. No one by my side when I pass away from old age. No one that I mean the world to. No one that means the world to me. 

3. I FEAR BEING AFRAID.  That's pretty deep, but I think I can explain. I didn't like knowing my X was serving a search warrant with armed and dangerous suspects waiting to ambush the police. I fear the unknown when the possibility of loss is as tangible as my racing heart beat. I fear all things that make me SCARED. I fear that adrenaline rush when it is related to a true FIGHT or FLIGHT reaction. This even extends to horror movies. I can not physically make myself watch another one. EVER.

4. I FEAR SNAKES. enough said.

5. I FEAR MISSING OUT ON MY CALLING IN LIFE. This is one reason I am trying so desperately to figure out who I am. Maybe my calling is to be an awesome Mom and raise four amazing kids. So far I am doing well with that. If there is another reason I am on this earth, I would like to realize what it is.

6. I FEAR LOSING MY MIND. Funny right? There are days that I wonder if I haven't lost it already! Seriously though, I think I could handle a physical handicap or problems with my health as long as my mind stays in tact. I do not want to be a burden to my children or to a health care system. I want to stay sharp and quick witted. I think I can persevere any problem as long as I have my wits about me. I watch my Dad, with the onset of dementia, and it scares me to think of the possibilities in the years ahead. 

7. I FEAR DISAPPOINTING OTHERS. I am well aware I am not supposed to worry about what others think of me. I also know that for most of my life, I allowed my self esteem to be measured by what my significant other thought and said about me. I know now that this is the worst thing you can do to yourself. I should be in control of how I feel about myself. I should be the one who decides when it is time to cut my hair, lose ten pounds, buy a new outfit or enroll in college classes again. I am not doing any of those things to please anyone else. I will do it to make myself happy and to feel good about myself.

8. I FEAR FALLING IN LOVE...with the wrong person, meaning with someone who doesn't feel the same about me as I do about them. I want the princess fairy-tale true love with a happily ever after ending. I don't know if that even exists. And if it does exist, I wouldn't even know how to find it because I am afraid to open up to the possibility of getting hurt if it doesn't work out. I don't need marriage again, I don't need a ceremony, I don't need anything but a commitment to stay faithful to each other, whatever that may look like for the two of us. In the end, I may look back on my life and realize I did have that, and I gave it all up because of my other fears getting in the way and sabotaging the perfect love. I am afraid of that too.

LOVES - Day 2

Day 2  - Listing 9 of my loves:

1. MY FAMILY - my children, parents, sisters.  I may not talk to my parents as often as I should, but the older I get, the more I realize how much they have sacrificed over the years to raise me and my sisters.  I rarely talk to my sisters, but I know that if they need me or I need them, we would always be there for each other. My children are the driving force behind my happiness and my desire to be a better person, for their sake, and for my own. They won't fully understand how I feel about them until they have children of their own.

2. MUSIC - nearly all types. Some because of the lyrics...I find deep meaning behind a great love song or sad songs. I cry, I brood, I release things that can't be let go through words. On the flip side, I love some music strictly for the rhythm. To dance to, rock out to, fall asleep to. No matter the mood I am in, I am able to find a soundtrack to fit my life at that particular moment, and lose myself in it. 

3. STARS - The is nothing better than laying in the dark losing yourself in a clear sky full of stars.  Peaceful, romantic, calming, uplifting, whatever the need may be. I become so small and insignificant, yet also feel a great sense of purpose for being alive. It is with great wonder that I am able to gain perspective and feel at peace for even a few moments.

4. BODIES OF WATER - Be it a lake, river, stream, pond or ocean, water and being in the water transforms me into a weightless, mindless creature. (For that matter, bathtubs and hot tubs work too!) I'll never understand the power of the pull of the tide or the undercurrent. It is like a perfectly orchestrated struggle, that somehow works out over and over again. 

5. WORDS - I may not be able to always write what I mean, or say what I feel, or read what I need, but the power of words can buildup and create or destroy everything. I know of nothing more powerful. To hear someone speak to me and say words that incite a reaction. Three small words that range from I Hate You to I Love You, and everything in between.

6. LAUGHTER - Coming from myself or the people around me. Being entertained and appreciating witty banter between friends, listening to comedians, watching sitcoms, observing children at play...when the laughter begins, I usually find myself fully immersed in the pleasure of letting mine go. 

7. KISSING - do I really need to explain this? I think that if there ever came a day that I had to choose only one physical touch that would always be available to me, it would be a kiss. Forehead kisses when sad, kisses on the cheek from a friend, on the back of my hand while walking side by side, on my neck during ... Well, you get the point. Of course, a well spent kiss on my mouth would be great just about anytime. 

8. COFFEE - I know, silly right? There is something to be said about sharing coffee with a friend. A cold fall day, on a bench, with a best friend beside you. It also goes quite well when I am alone and want some quiet time. I haven't encountered a time when a cup of coffee wouldn't make a great situation just a little bit better. Even some nights right before bed. I guess it just has that effect on me.

9. MYSELF - This is new for me, and some may argue that if I truly loved myself, I wouldn't be so hard on myself. Well, I'm learning. I'm growing from someone that struggles with self-image and depreciation into a woman that accepts her flaws and strives to improve on her strong points. I'm trying to find more things to love about myself, and focus on my desire to gain confidence and value. I will not allow myself to be put in situations that tear me down without building me up to be better than before. I'm over that period in my life. I am enough, and I will continue to become more than enough.

"Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." - Rumi

SECRETS - Day 1

If I share these with you, they will no longer be secrets, will they? Well....here goes.

1. I had an imaginary pen pal as a kid. I wrote myself letters from him. His imaginary sister signed my 7th grade yearbook. Devin and Christina Krisena were their made up names. Looong story.

2. I had a crush on one of my Jr High teachers. Every time he called on me, I would burn up with embarrassment.

3. I tried to pick the lock on my teachers door in second grade with a bobby pin, then cried in front of a bunch of my friends because I knew it was wrong.

4. 9 times out of 10, when I get angry I will cry instead of scream.

5. I don't lie anymore. I used to, but after cleaning out all the skeletons from my closet, I can't lie anymore. Physically can not lie.

6. I enjoy performing in front of strangers, but get nervous around my friends.

7. I have a burning desire to sing the national anthem at a sporting event.

8. I am a hopeless romantic...I love too deeply, and forget that I am worth more than I give myself credit for. I give in too easy, and should stand up for what I want in a relationship and not settle to make the other person happy.

9.  I often feel like a failure because of my divorce and think I've ruined my kids' emotional health.

10. I don't think I will ever find anyone who will love me the way I hoped to be loved.


That's it for day one. Tomorrow you get my 9 loves.

Slamming things makes me feel better!

I've not posted a blog for 24 days. This isn't because I've had nothing to say.  It's because I have had too much to say, but a blog was an inappropriate venue to voice my words. Instead, I've kept the words bottled up inside and have gotten to the point now that I want to explode. So, what do I tend to do when I get to the point that I feel I am going to go out of control? I tackle something on my bucket pail list...I look for something new to do. I SLAM SOMETHING. 

Within reason, my life motto is "I'll try anything once". I've put myself out there once again. In the public eye, up on stage no less. I entered the room with intentions of being a spectator, then the voice inside whispered "what do you have to lose?"  It was a valid question. I really didn't have anything to lose by being a poetry slammer for the night. I had one in my purse ready to read. Then I found out after signing up there was a two poem minimum, maybe even three. So I sat down and started writing another one. I found out I write lyrics, not poetry. Everything rhymes in my world, and is written to a beat. Most of the time I can write a complete song but have no idea the melody that should accompany it.

This is just like my life. I'm missing my melody. The something that makes my simple poems into extraordinary symphonic pieces. Tuesday night I attended my daughters orchestra concert. Meridian Middle and Meridian High School orchestras both performed. I sat near the back, alone, and listened to the melodies. Tonight is my son's last middle school choir concert. Next year he will be in the high school jazz choir. I'm so glad music is integrated in my life and my children are grasping on to it as well. Music seems to help fix a lot of broken pieces of my soul.

While waiting for the poetry slam to begin, I wrote a quick piece about divorce.  I also wrote a haiku (used to break the tie at the end of the contest actually).  I read my poem I came prepared with, and advanced to the second round. Then, after reading the poem I had just written 20 minutes before, and one of my previous blog entries, I found out I was a tied for 2nd place. Crazy. Judges voted. Two votes for me, three for John, so I ended up in third place. I'd never been to a poetry slam. Apparently newbies don't just walk in and perform and then finish in the top three either. It was fun...I earned a point to go to towards nationals if I want to keep doing this on a regular basis.

Writing words is more enjoyable to me than reading them to an audience. I write very personal things. My feelings are unapologetic.  Sometimes there's anger, usually there is a glimmer of hope but always there is truth. I think because of this, I appear to be an open book and willing to share other parts of myself with people. This is just not the case. Someone at the slam took a liking to me. Very genuine, complimentary but not creepy and seemed like a genuinely nice guy. I was surprised though. While there seemed to be some attraction, there was absolutely no spark. Not on my part anyway.  I have since received numerous texts from this person since Sunday night, and I need to know how to get the point across..."listen, it was nice meeting you, but..." As much as I hate being alone, I would rather wait for the time to be able to spend it with the right person. I guess I'm not looking for Mr. Right Now. I've been told I need to open up and give myself and others a chance. Well, guess what? I am pretty much an open book. I'm just very selective on who gets to read the whole novel.

My heart is healing, but my head is still a mess with so many things going on with my kids, the X, and court coming up, etc... I am anxious to fast forward a few years, or even a few months, and see where I will be. I'd be happy with just a glimpse into the future. I'm trying to find my way in life still. I feel like I will be discovering myself right along with my 18 and 20 year old daughters.  When the timing is right, I am trusting that everything will eventually fall into place.  Until then, I will consider continuing to slam things...mainly stories and poetry. I will also continue to try new things at least once. Twice if I liked it the first time, and a third time just to make sure.

HEADCASE - Interview and Answers: Session 1

You know, I write this blog for my own benefit. It's a diary of how I am feeling, my thoughts and plans for the future and how to accomplish my goals. During this process, I am treating you all to a glimpse of what conversations in my head with myself look like. I can only image that at times you all just roll your eyes and shake your head. Maybe you laugh at me, or with me. Someday you may cry with me too. Hopefully you all will understand the insane thoughts that divorce causes. Doubts about your own sanity and ability to move on with your own life, considering also if you have children, you are responsible for helping them move on as well. So here you go, today's glimpse inside the headcase also known as Linda Wallace.

CONFLICT A  Battling Negativity

Why do we spend so much time dwelling on the past and thinking of everything that has gone wrong over the past hour, day, week, year, decade? Why do we focus solely on the areas of life that are lacking? Seriously, why do we focus SO MUCH on what is wrong in our lives? Money, job, relationship, friends, family.  This is just a sampling of what I seem to worry about the most. In all of those areas I mentioned I feel like I am MISSING SOMETHING.

1. Money: (or lack thereof) I don't ever feel like I will ever have enough to live any other way than barely paycheck to paycheck
2. Job: I've done basically the same thing in dentistry for 20 years with no retirement benefits. I'm getting antsy for a career change...unfortunately this may lead to a cut in pay if I change industries (see #1 concern)
3. Relationship: (or lack thereof) I am missing an integral part of my life. Closeness with someone of the opposite sex. I am getting tired of doing things alone or with girlfriends. But I also am not willing to jump into something just to avoid being lonely...so, yeah, not much going to be changing here.
4. Friends: I don't feel like a very good one because I am always wrapped up in my own problems instead of spending my energy being a good friend to someone who needs it. This is certainly a big red flag for beginning a relationship (see #3 concern)
5. Family: I worry about my kids emotional and mental health because of the recent influx of stress in their lives. I know I am doing my part keeping them housed, clothed and fed, I just hope that is enough for the time being until we can all get the counseling we need.

So, what now? Do I accept this for what it is and pull up my big girl panties and trudge on with a shitty attitude and become "one of those" bitter divorcees? Oh hell no. I refuse to let this get the best of me. I have spent nearly every one of my waking (and most sleeping) hours dwelling on the top three of my five items listed above. I have come to the conclusion that everyone needs a plan. An immediate plan, a short term plan and a long term plan. It would be great to have all three of these for each item. I'm working on that. Here is what I have so far.

Money

1. immediate: stop spending unnecessarily. Set a budget and stick with it
2. short term: look for things to sell, put at least $25 per paycheck in savings
3. long term: get bills paid off using the debt snowball (see Dave Ramsey) and pay cash for everything with no debt

Job

1. immediate: be grateful that I have one. Many people don't. Stop complaining about working and change my attitude so that I can be more productive and happy while at work!
2. short term: start looking for opportunities in industries that interest me. (Airline, travel, blogging, writing, performing- notice, none of these are huge money makers)
3. long term: since I will have all my debt paid off in the long term, I will be able to take a job that makes less money because I won't have as many bills!

Relationship

1. immediate: ? I guess keep doing what I'm doing
2. short term: ?
3. long term: ? I hope I end up with someone who loves me as much as I love them and we live happily ever after.  It's worth waiting for. I don't plan on rushing this one.

Friends

1. immediate: I need to make sure to touch base with my friends, especially the ones I know are struggling just like me. 
2. short term: Make a plan to go do something with a friend at least once a week. Doesn't have to cost. A walk, bike ride or just sit and chat over coffee.
3. long term: Make bigger plans with friends. Short trips away from our worries, longer trips away with kids to start making lasting memories.

Family

1. immediate: hug more. talk more. spend more face time together and less time in separate rooms
2. short term: family counseling session to get things off chest that aren't coming out in conversation
3. long term: bonding activities and planning (and taking) a family vacation together

CONFLICT B Self Image Issues

Am I crazy, Am I fat, Am I lazy, Am I a failure, Am I immature, Am I embarrassing to my kids, Am I depressed, Am I anxious? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? Wow, that was just an explosion of a lot of stuff over TWENTY YEARS of marriage that I had convinced myself that the answer was always going to be YES.  I am slowly curing myself from the mindf*@#ing that occurred, and reprogramming my inner psyche to be more kind to myself. I will answer each of these concerns one at a time so I can reiterate to myself some very important points.

Am I crazy?: I hope I am. Just a little bit. Not in a bad way. Aren't we all a little "off"? I'll use mine for good.

Am I fat?: Who gets to define FAT? Do I have extra weight? Yes. Am I healthy? Yes. Does my size bother me? Some days yes, and some days no. So, I'm working on it. I want to tighten the things that jiggle, and smooth the things that are lumpy and see definition in the parts that don't have much any more. I think these are good goals. When I carry myself with confidence and feel good about myself, I will be beautiful. If you don't find me beautiful, then I guess I'm lucky you and I are not together. 

Am I lazy?: Sometimes. When I think not doing anything will benefit me more than doing something unproductive. It's okay some mornings to sleep in til 10 am, or go to bed at 8 pm. I think its okay to put off chores for a day or two. For weeks on end? NO. Do I always get my work done? YES. Do I find it easier to get up and get going if I give myself a reward? YES!  And, I have learned that ALL REWARDS will be calorie free.

Am I a failure?: This is just a flat out NO. Have things in my life failed? YES. But those do not define ME.

Am I immature?: Sometimes, in some areas. But the more I go through, and the more experiences I have, I am learning what it is to handle things as an adult, especially since I don't have anyone to take care of them for me.

Am I embarrassing to my kids?: Why did I worry about this so much? I don't care if I embarrass them or not, as long as what I am doing is RIGHT. Have I made mistakes in the past that might have caused embarrassment to my kids? Probably so, but I also talk to them and set things straight. NO, I will not cause a disturbance or be a drunk in front of them or their friends. YES, I will raise my voice if needed to correct their behavior even if friends are present, but only when it's REALLY NEEDED and can't wait. And I will continue to sing along to the radio in my car even if their friends are present.  Get over it kids. You think it's funny when other moms do it, so let me :) I don't need to be my kids friend right now. I'm a parent. Friendships develop after I have done my all parenting them. 

Am I depressed?: Sometimes, but then again, who isn't? I am learning how to get myself out of pity moods and can change this usually within a day, if not less. So I am not going to worry about this one any more. 

Am I anxious?: Yes, still this one gets to me. I worry over the future. I worry about the present. I second guess some of my decisions as to whether they are the best ones I can make. BUT, I'm not letting this get a hold on me. I wrap up the problem as soon as possible (or I blog about it) and I move on. Anxiety GONE.

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL?  Who would want to be "normal".  I remember in sixth grade at Farmin Elementary in Mrs. Berry's class, I had sticker paper that I made my own stickers on. I put them on all of my notebooks and I passed them out to my friends. I wish I still had those stickers. There was a very simple saying on them, and I believed this then and still do now.  "WEIRD IS BETTER".  I don't want to be normal. Normal is boring. I want to be remembered. I want to make a difference. I want to be ME and I am in no way "normal". Chances are, if you and I are friends, I think you are a little weird too. And that is a compliment. You're welcome.

SO...that was the journey into my head today.  Question and answer session with self is complete. Maybe you feel better about yourself now!

If you're happy and you know it...

Friday. I wait all week for this day. It's finally here and I have a to do list longer than the day itself, but of course I couldn't make the list until after my Keurig carafe of coffee.

Now that I have downed the coffee, it's time to move on to accomplishing things I have put off all week. Laundry, finish up work at the office, yard work, pay bills, grocery shop, watch a middle school track meet and then follow all that up with PAINTING!  I'm back on track for the moment enjoying a day of pure bliss...

I've gone back through my blog posts and have noticed I've been down in the dumps for quite a while.  I miss having company, enjoying my day with someone beside me, having someone at home waiting for me. It's different coming home to just kids, or worse yet, coming home to an empty house. I am getting used to it, but it doesn't change the fact that I want someone to curl up next to on the couch and watch Seinfeld and laugh out loud with. (Patience, little one. All good things in life are worth waiting for.)

I posted a prayer yesterday that really hit home. I know what I want. I know what I am hoping my future will look like. I just don't know what is really meant for me or how long I will have to be patient to start seeing those life changes take effect.  I'm working on letting go of my expectations and taking one day at a time. I have a lot of hang ups to deal with before I can consider any drastic changes in my life. The positive thing about all of this is...I'm ready. I feel like I am past the stage of possibly making bad decisions because of grief or fear or loneliness.  I've been careful and cautious this whole time with who I surround myself with, and have avoided causing myself pain through bad decisions.  I've proven to myself that I am in control and I am capable of being alone. Every day I get closer to being put back together.

This is the view I see around 7:45 every morning and it reminds me I have a fresh start today...

Note to self:

Start workout plan (again)

Find something to be happy about

Appreciate people that are in my life for the right reasons

Smile

Be good to myself

Compliment someone today

Be generous

Listen to music that makes me feel invincible

Enjoy the beauty in nature

Hug my kids for a few seconds longer than they expect

Say I Love You to the people I love

Be thankful for what I have

Find something to look forward to tomorrow

If you're happy and you know it, share your happiness with someone today.

I just shared mine with you!