The Land of Un

I'm stuck in a very (un) place right now.  I am (un)motivated, feel (un)important, (un)loved, and I am very (un)happy.  There's still a lot of things I can't go into detail about, but I was supposed to be in court next week and that has been pushed out til June now. The stress of what's happening in our once "normal" family of six has finally taken it's toll on each of my four kids.  I feel like I've spent too much time with self pity and no time helping them get through their grief and seeing if they are doing all right.  It's like we've ALL been pretending everything is fine, and slowly the masks are being peeled off to reveal the ugly and no more rose colored glasses to conceal the destruction that has happened. 

Getting through my day is becoming (un)bearable. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to deal with people. I don't want to pretend to be so damn happy right now. I want to escape. I want to stop dealing with life in general and just check out for a while, and come back to a land of happiness. I want things fixed. I want my kids to stop having stomach aches and headaches and anxiety attacks and problems in school. I want them to stop hiding in their bedrooms and rejoin the living. I want the same for me. I miss the part of my life before the kids were hurt, broken, angry and felt betrayed by their parents.  I don't know how to fix that for them. Just when I don't think it is possible to cry any more tears, I find more. 

The absolute worst part of ALL of this is being alone. I don't recommend divorce for those of you who have a loving heart and soul. The exception to that are those who jump right into another relationship and set up shop.  I can't. I'm too much of a burden right now to pass what I'm going through on to someone else. It's bad enough dumping emotions onto someone via phone, but a full relationship with someone? I want it, but I think I'd drive them crazy with my (un)stable emotions. I have no one. I am alone and I hate it. I feel myself shutting down and it scares me. I have got to help my kids and be there to support them.  Tuck away my wants and needs and focus on them. I know things will get better eventually, but it feels so dark and lonely right now. 

I think I am finally grieving.  I'm grieving the loss of a spouse.  The loss of a built-in support system. The loss of security and a protector.  The loss of twenty two years of history with the same person. I don't think I've ever felt like this before.  I don't like it.  It's (un)comfortable. I want out of it and I want to get out quickly before the grief sucks me in like quicksand and I drown.  Please don't worry about me. That is NOT why I'm writing this. In fact it would make me happy NOT knowing who has read this.  I'm venting. I'm crying and throwing a fit and kicking my feet like a child complaining that life isn't fair. I don't deserve this. My kids don't deserve this. One persons actions shouldn't be able to cause so many people misery.

I have been on my own for just over eight months now.  I have never had this long of a span without a relationship from my very first junior high boyfriend until now.  It feels like an eternity to be alone. I miss holding someone's hand. I miss feeling secure. I miss being loved. I miss being important and being present in someone's life.  I know I have friends going through the exact same thing as me, and I wonder if they feel the same and we just aren't close enough to grieve together.  I know I've been (un)willing to let down my guard and let anyone see how weak I am.  I'm a mess, but at least I've come to terms with it and I'm not going to remain this way.

I don't know exactly how I'm going to accomplish pulling my shit together, but it starts now. Part of creating myself is seeing how truly broken down I am, and figuring out where to put the pieces.  I came (un)assembled. I already have everything I need to make me whole again.  Time and strength and patience will get me there. The only love I'm truly missing right now is from myself.  I've given myself permission to sulk and feel pitiful, but it's time to stop.  I've been missing out on some good things while I was checked into the pity party. Please don't give up on me. I'm looking forward to a lot of f(un) times and happy days ahead for my family and friends.  Just know I'm trying to move forward.

Someday I'm going to turn my (un)bearable into (UN)BREAKABLE

https://youtu.be/OqGrcxxEXLc

Bacon & Eggs with a side of disappointment

Have you ever wanted something so much, and then gotten it and realized that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be?  Craving a certain food for instance.  You eat it and are left not feeling satisfied.  Wishing for a relationship, or worse yet, for one to end, and then reality hits you square between the eyes and you're left with a big sense of failure?  Why is it the things we so often look forward to, aren't really the things that are going to satisfy us at all?

This title was originally about something else entirely.  I started writing on Sunday. I've erased everything I've written and started over no less than five times, probably even closer to ten.  

It was a particularly hard day yesterday. I've been told by so many friends and aquaintances that they admire my strength and how well I'm doing through my divorce and starting a new chapter in my life...no, a new book actually.  That other book is over. It was twenty plus years of my life, and I had to shut the book and put it back on the shelf unfinished.  I am starting a new book. Some of the characters will be the same. Some have been written out of the story line but may pop up occasionally.  There are bound to be new characters whose parts haven't been written yet.  It will write itself as time progresses.  But friends, I can tell you this...the cover of a book never tells the whole story.  Sometimes you have to get deep into the story before anything makes sense.  I am still on the first chapter and I have NO IDEA where it is heading.  I am going to be just as surprised as you are.

The theme of my books seem to keep repeating themselves though.  I'm not thrilled with this.  Main character falls in love.  Doesn't feel worthy...is told she is broken and needs fixing...doesn't feel treasured..."sabotages" relationships and pushes others away to somehow "protect" herself from getting hurt. In reality, she keeps hurting herself with her actions and decisions because she believed what she was told for so many years.  She drank the kool-aid.  It's quite a depressing story actually.  It's plain to see from an outsiders perspective what is wrong with this picture.  

There is another take on this, my explanation of how the story goes.  Main character falls in love, she gives and gives everything away first before giving to herself.  She knows her worth and fights to make other people see it too.  Shuts down when she realizes this is getting her nowhere and she is exhausted fighting with why she isn't happy. Questions why anyone would want to be with her. Is disappointed constantly in herself and others. Knows she is worth more than what she allows herself to experience, and decides to open up and ..... this is where the story is right now ... AND WHAT?  

The side of disappointment served with the bacon and eggs can be symbolic of so many different things in your life. Disappointment in yourself. Disappointment in others. Disappointment in a situation or a place in your life. A disappointing relationship. Sometimes the disappointment is a drink that is bottomless, and the server keeps your cup overflowing.  Other days it's just a morsel of food on the plate that you can choose to consume or not.  It can be the jelly on the toast that you have control over how thick it is spread.  Disappointment comes in all shapes, colors, sizes and flavors.

What is disappointment?

How can you fix disappointment?  How do you make it go away?  WHY do you get disappointed in the first place?  I know my answer to WHY. I'm an optimist.  I have high hopes for myself and for other people. I believed and trusted people that let me down.  I expected more from others than they were ready to give.  In all of these areas, I have always set myself up for disappointments.  You may hear people say to "lower your standards and you won't keep getting disappointed", or "expect nothing, then you can never be disappointed".  I don't necessarily agree with that, but there is a piece to take from it. Lower your perception of what others are supposed to do for you, and make your own happiness.  Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.  Expect less from others and more from yourself!  I believe it is healthier to just be disappointed in yourself occasionally, than be disappointed by others all the time.  

When you are disappointed in yourself, you can do something to fix that. You have control over yourself, and no one can take that from you. There's a quote I read that I really like: Brad Warner says "Disappointmemt is just the action of your brain readjusting itself to reality after discovering things are not the way you thought they were."  This life, in no uncertain terms, and without sounding selfish, is about MY journey. We each get one life to make the most of.  We get some do-overs, but you never know when it's going to be your final try. We can travel different paths, join different religions, make a series of different friendships and aquaintances.  We have to choose the best for us with the information we know at any given time.  Life is a result of the choices you make. If you are disappointed with where you are in life, it is time to start making better choices. My own thoughts and choices are really the only solutions I see at this time for stopping the side of disappointment with every dish I am served in life.

I love bacon and eggs, but I am done with the all-you-can-eat disappointment or disappointment with free refills. It would sure be nice to replace that with some crispy hash browns, fluffy pancakes or bottomless coffee instead.  I think I'll start ordering differently, maybe from the grown-ups menu!  And if I'm served too much to handle on my own, I hope you will be there to share it with me.  I hate wasting a good thing. When we go out to eat together, please remind me of that.

Complimentary Coffee is the best

Are you comfortable enough with yourself to enjoy a compliment from someone, or does it make you doubt their sincerity and argue with them?  

I don't seem to be as concerned as I used to be with what others think of me now. However, I have found it easier and even enjoyable to receive compliments lately. I believe this directly corresponds with my own happiness. These days, I receive a compliment with a smile and usually one in return to the other person. I am happily living my life with my children, my job, my friends and my hobbies.  I am finding that the more energy I put into these areas, I'm am truly a happier person.  When I am a happier person, I draw in positive energy from those around me.  With that positive energy from others, I refill myself and can share the excess with others.  This usually comes out in the form of compliments, declarations of gratitude, heartfelt apologies, and deep musings about plans for the future. I feel like I am setting things straight and repairing any damaged relationships I've had in the past, and building stronger friendships for the present and future. 

When I am NOT comfortable with myself, or I spend too much time worrying about things beyond my control, I have problems receiving compliments, as well as no ability to give any either.  I used to have a negative comment about myself at the ready anytime i received praise. If someone liked my hair, I would complain about the length or color. If it was my clothing, I'd tell them it was old or I didn't like the way it fit my butt. I could become quite a miserable person actually.   You know it's bad when you don't want to spend time with yourself!

I've been feeling better and better about the direction my life is going, and while I still have an incredibly hard month ahead of me, financially and emotionally, I am at peace most of the time.  I consider myself to be extremely fortunate to have children who honor and respect me and love me, and friends who listen and don't judge.  Sometimes I even get to take on that role of nonjudgmental friend, and I LOVE IT.  I will be rich in experience in a variety of areas by the end of this journey through divorce, legal, physical, emotional and financial struggles.  I don't want to ask that question "What NEXT?", but seriously, it's hard to imagine many more things that I haven't had to deal with yet.  The death of a loved one.  That has not happened and I pray that it won't.  I have my limits, and it feels like I am quickly approaching them. I do not wish to temp fate and ask "What next".  

So, remember how nice it is to receive a compliment, and be that person that everyone looks forward to in the morning...the complimentary kind.  Tell someone today how wonderful they are. Hopefully they won't argue with you, and accept the compliment with grace and return one in favor. Now if my coffee would really be the complimentary kind...saving me money and starting every day telling me how great I look.  Double bonus!

Bounce baby bounce

This is the life.  I'm worn out today...and here is the reason why:

Yesterday I received an email regarding a trampoline that was available if someone would come out to Eagle and pick it up.  Let me explain something about trampolines and my daughter Emily.  Every birthday (December 23rd) and every Christmas, this was the first thing, and sometimes the ONLY thing, she requested as a present from about the age of 5. So, for the last 13 years, I have been bombarded with this one request. I've always wanted them to have one, and the three other kids wanted one as well, just not as desperately as Emily.  I wasn't a huge fan when the kids were smaller, but they always played on them at friends' houses, and there hasn't been a single trampoline related injury in all the years I've been raising kids (knock on wood). I replied back to the email to see if it was still available, and it WAS!

This afternoon we drove out to the home in Eagle, helped the owner disassemble it, loaded it into the back of Emily's truck and brought it home.  I had Nathan, Emily and Elizabeth help me assemble it in the backyard, and then the fun began. It was a beautiful day today, plenty of sunshine, laughter, music, and just all around anti-gravity experiences.  I'm feeling blessed to be able to give the kids something they have had a serious longing for, and all it took was some elbow grease and time out of our day to get it done.  Thank you James and Alice.  You just made me look like the best mom on earth today!

I will tell you this, you may find me on the trampoline just as much as the kids.  I love being on them, I love being silly and carefree. I always wanted to be on an episode of the Man Show "Girls on Trampolines". (okay, maybe that was a bit of a stretch)

Since I don't have a hammock at this house, I think the trampoline will provide a different kind of relaxation and fun. It's also a great place to take a nap, or even camp out overnight. Is there anything better than bouncing out your troubles? And Lord knows, I have enough on my mind that if bouncing was all it took to get ones troubles worked out, I'd be on that thing nonstop for days.

Infamous relatable quotes taken from Tigger:

"Oh Boy! You mean I can have my bounce back? Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"

"Say, I'm so happy I feel like bouncing!"

"Er, jump? Tiggers don't jump, they bounce!"

"Come on Rabbit, let's you and me bounce, huh?"

"Well, I gotta go now. I've got a lotta bouncin' to do.  T-T-F-N. ta ta for now!"

And yes friends, you may come visit and we will bounce.  If I don't answer the door, come around back. 

Pushing the Limits- a seriously long post

this blog is about "Limitless Linda", how I seek out new adventures to push my limits and break out of comfort zones I once found so familiar and safe.  That being said, Friday was completely about having my limits tested in SO many facets of my life.

My morning began in my most favorite way, coffee with my best friend. We visited for a couple of hours until I had to run to St Luke's for an appointment.  I had made a "to-do list" over coffee and was feeling motivated to take full advantage of my day off.

The to-do list began with a shoulder physical therapy appointment. (I have a rotator cuff injury that has been getting worked on for 5 weeks.) Yesterday was an evaluation to see when I would be released from therapy.  I was tested with 9 different strength exercises and at the end of my 30 minute appointment, I could not even lift a 1 lb barbell laterally.  I had exhausted my shoulder to complete failure.  My limits were pushed, and met.  I passed the evaluation and only have to come back once a week for the next two sessions before I'm released.   Limits tested...CHECK!

Next on my list was the Social Security Administration.  I ran home to shower and dress up for the day.  It was supposed to be in the 70's and I felt the need to look cute and be summery.  Legs shaved...check.  I'd obviously been neglecting that because a) it's been winter and b) who do I have to care about my legs?! Just having my legs shaved and a sundress on gave me a boost of happiness.  I was ready to tackle social security so I could legally change my last name back to Wallace.  I grabbed the paperwork I needed and headed out.  Upon my arrival at SSA, I was greeted by a full room of people and a line at the check in kiosk. I patiently waited and when it was my turn, I asked the security guard which option I needed.  The machine gave me my number and I found a place to sit and patiently wait. (I'm working on becoming a more patient person, remember?)

While waiting, I decided to read through the thick packet of papers and find the place that mentioned I had been restored to my maiden name during the divorce.  It was a good thing I became bored and got out the papers...I had grabbed the wrong thick envelope.  I got up, threw away my number, and sheepishly told the guard I would return with the correct set of papers.  So, after a drive back to Meridian, back to Boise, through the kiosk check in process again, waiting with the CORRECT set of papers in hand, and being helped by the nicest of all clerks in the office (Melissa), I officially became Linda Wallace, according to the government and its powers that be.  Limits tested...CHECK!

What would be more fun than going straight to the DMV on a beautiful sunny day? Nothing!  By this time, my Friday morning had ended and it was 12:35pm when I got to the only building in all of Ada County to make changes to a drivers license. I pulled my number and saw I had 63 people ahead of me numerically.  I settled in for the duration and people watched...fast forward an hour. Still 23 people ahead of me numerically, because NOT ONLY were the numbers being called in sequence, (212, 213, 214) but there would be random insertions of numbers in the 400 and 600 range as well.  I have NO IDEA how many customers were called ahead of me, but I do know I rested my head on the wall behind me and dozed off at one point and woke up when I felt a tiny drop of drool attempting to escape my lips. My number was called at 1:57.  I produced the paperwork needed for name and address change, took an eye test, a new photo, and paid my fee.  I left the DMV and walked out into the gorgeous sunshine at 2:09pm.  Limits tested...CHECK!

I had an appointment scheduled at Edward Jones at 2pm that I had to push back due to the delay at the DMV, but I was still able to be seen when I arrived. My financial advisor and I began playing the games with PERSI and Great West in order to get the ball rolling on having money transferred into my account.  I learned that even through the QDRO process, if I wanted to cash out any money to pay off the debt incurred during the divorce, I would be looking at nearly a 42% penalty on the money withdrawn.  HOLY $#!@! 25% federal tax, 7% state tax and a 10% early withdrawal penalty? SERIOUSLY.  Limits tested...CHECK!

I left Edward Jones just before 4pm. I had planned to be at Storyfort at 5pm and scheduled to paint at 7pm. I made another quick trip back to my house to grab a change of clothes for painting, a protein shake and to drop off all the paperwork in my car.  I had to gas up my car on my way and texted Alex from the Boise Creative Center to see if parking was available in his lot. Downtown Boise was completely crazy due to the Treefort Music Festival AND the fact it was a Friday right before 5pm.  I found a spot in his lot, paid my fee, and headed to the Linen Building for some story telling.  My name was drawn FIRST again to come up on stage and tell my five minute off the cuff story.  I decided to share my ONE WEEK experience about having a profile on Tinder and OKCupid. (That's a whole blog in itself) Serious limits tested...CHECK!

Time to paint!!! I walked from the Linen Building through Grove Street and looked at a few vendor booths. I signed up to be a bone marrow donor, because, why not? Maybe I can help save a life someday.  I changed clothes in my car and was just in time to get set up in the studio for a fun night of painting.  I had decided earlier in the day that I wanted to paint two canvases and saw I was set up in my "regular seat" with the extra supplies.  It was an awesome experience.  I took the one picture that everyone else in the class was painting on one canvas, and stretched mine out mentally to extend the length of two canvases.  This was only my 5th painting experience... I think I'm starting to get it.  Limits tested...CHECK!

I got home around 11:30pm and decided to sit out back on the phone, sharing the details of my day with my bestie, and to enjoy the end of a perfectly gorgeous day with a cup of coffee (I know, it was almost midnight, but time means nothing when it comes to a good cup of coffee). I kept hearing the sound of geese and thought it was strange that they were so loud that late at night. There must have been some type of predator nearby.  The geese noises kept going, getting louder then fainter, then a really strange screaming sound. I wondered to myself if one of them got attacked and was being killed nearby. Then I heard a loud grunt and some explitives that I shall not share here... Oh. My. Gawd. My backyard neighbors bedroom window was open and they were getting it on.  NEED I SAY MORE?

THE REST OF MY LIMITS TESTED... DOUBLE CHECK!

Wait, no, I'm limitless...please keep pushing my buttons universe. I'm learning to enjoy it.

Self Incarceration - A prisoner of the mind

I heard the footsteps getting louder and louder, the sound of thick rubber-soled, steel-toed work boots slapping against the cold concrete corridor.  I heard the rhythmic clanking of keys against his duty belt with each step he took. I saw the outline of his towering frame through the tempered glass window of the steel cage, watched him pause before each cell window and duck his head down for bed check.  I watched as he walked away, leaving me alone for another 15 minutes, feeling the need to tear another notch in the paper I used for keeping track of time. The sound of his footsteps becoming so faint that even once they disappeared I tried to convince myself I could hear something other than the sounds of the sobs that had consumed my body.  Eventually, without warning, the lights dimmed, a signal that it was 10:00 p.m. and time to sleep.  Too dark to read, too light to sleep, the glow from the florescent lighting produced an annoying state of wakefulness. 

If you have enjoyed this excerpt from "No Really, I'm Fine" 

then please stay with me over the next three years or so 

while I finish writing my real life/fiction novel.

I can only hope that after three years I will have a proper ending for the book!

What is a prisoner of the mind?  Here are some YAHOO answers: 

This happens when we become imprisoned in our beliefs and don't allow for any alteration of them.  If we believe something is correct or true we shut our mind off to any further input or discussion. We should strive to keep our minds open and welcome the thoughts of others and truly synthesize the knowledge available to all of us.

I'm not positive on this, but I think that it is like when a person has something really intense on their mind, maybe something that wasn't good or right, and they haven't come to any conclusion or peace with it, thereby making a person a "prisoner of their own mind."

I think I might know what does it mean. It's like a prisoner is locked up inside a jail cell, one is locked up inside our own head.  We are prisoner of our feelings and judgement and no matter how hard you try to get away from it you won't go anywhere because they are inside of you and within you.  You can't just stop being you...(this saying is very deep...)

Hmmm, while these are very interesting perspectives given by three random individuals, I have my own take on what this means.

It is a quick trip to become a prisoner of your own mind.  It is easy to get wrapped up in yourself, in your everyday drama and become consumed with the me...me...me... mentality. I'm not saying there aren't perfectly appropriate times to feel this way.  Any major life changing event can throw you into this state.  The difference is whether you let yourself be a VISITOR or become a PRISONER.  Death, divorce, job loss, any complicated life decision can qualify as a trigger. Anything that consumes you. An event that destroys your desire to move forward.  A grief so large that you become paralyzed.   Any of these can prove to be a probable cause for self incarceration.  Why that word?  Why SELF INCARCERATION?  You are still in control.  You can make a conscious decision to wallow, be in despair, self destruct, wither away and truly have your happiness DIE.  Yet you can also make a conscious decision to allow yourself the time and space and privacy to be a visitor in that darkness and remember to exit when the visiting hours are over.  Don't check yourself in. Don't give up and don't willingly submit to being a prisoner.  

I've been there...the food isn't good.

Thinking outside the box (of girl scout cookies)

I've had the blues lately.  It's been a challenge getting a grip on myself and my emotions over a variety of reasons, some of which I can't share publicly until April is over.  I thought maybe some fresh air would do me good.  Today the weather was looking alright for a while, so I got my lawn mower from the X and went to town on my yard.  I finished mowing the front and back just in time for the rains to unleash their fury.  After coming back inside and cleaning up, I laid in my bed listening to the storm outside, and felt the one still brewing inside as well.  

Today is the first day of spring break.  The kids were restless and wanting to get out and do things, but we all just settling for lounging around.  I began thinking of the rainy day boxes that I made for the kids to keep them entertained when they were younger.  Then I really started focusing on my rainy day box.  Inside of it, hand written on slips of paper, ideas of things to do with a loved one on a cold, snowy or wet rainy day. Unfortunately, I will have to wait to use those slips of paper, but I can do something else for myself that may help me get out of my FUNK and from under this dark cloud that seems to be ever present right now.

I need my own box.  My shitty mood, lonely funk, empty hole in my heart box... Screw the rainy days ideas...it's spring and every other day it will rain and the slips in the box will get all used up.  I am important and I need to make sure I am taken care of properly in order to take care of my kids, and I can ONLY depend on me for that.  No same sex or opposite sex friend is going to make me feel better if I don't ALLOW myself to feel better.  I can make up excuses or deny the issues, but it really just comes down to a simple decision I have touched on before.  Am I going to CHOOSE to be happy or not?

I've done so many things...more new things in just a few months than many people do in years: painting, travel, dancing, performing, story telling, music, movies, cooking, dreaming... It still comes down to missing the one person I want to do all those things with, or at least come home to at the end of my busy day doing them.  I AM happy.  I'm just sad at the same time.

I will make my own virtual rainy day box just for me and these are the things I will fill it with:

• Memories of good times with friends
• Handwritten notes expressing gratitude to those who are helping me through hard times
• Favorite songs that make me feel better
• Photographs that make me smile
• A good book to read
• Phone calls to my parents and kids
• Meeting friends for coffee

After exhausting all of the above, there is always the option to nap...or just give in and open the damn box of Girl Scout cookies.