THE BEST GIFT

It has been a long time since my last heartfelt blog. I've started and deleted no less than ten entries between the last one in November and now. Many life altering events have happened, and I believe I'm in the midst of yet another one. I feel like I've suddenly become this self righteous female that is on a truth crusade. I'm fighting all injustices regarding emotions, friendships, love and honesty.  This is not my battle to fight for anyone else besides me though. Why can't I just let others be, and conserve my energy for those who I don't need to fight for?

Example... My youngest daughter. There were some issues with her posting on social media things that were inappropriate and untrue. Solution...she got called out on it. There were big discussions about consequences from many different angles. She lost her devices, closed accounts, has much more adult supervision and hopefully understands the reasons behind the big changes in her life.  This was worth fighting for. This was hopefully a life lesson she will always carry with her. I hope she chooses honesty and self respect in the future...sure, there will be bumps in the road ahead, there always are...but for the majority of the decisions she makes, I want her to have honesty instilled as one of her values. This is a parenting job, a lesson to also be taught by example, and one that I will fight for EVERY TIME. 

You know what else is worth fighting for? YOU. Yourself. Your own self respect, your heart, your values and integrity. Don't allow others to belittle you, to take away your faith and trust in mankind, to treat you with less respect than you deserve. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated, to be lied to, or to be used for a way to pass time until the next best thing comes along. 

I have always been a people pleaser. This started in junior high, continued throughout high school, perfected in college, and then learned in marriage to tiptoe on eggshells and keep the peace for the children we were raising. After our divorce, and lots of counseling, I began to recognize how little I valued myself. I have spent the last year focusing on surrounding myself with individuals that I have been able to have candidly open and honest conversations with. I think it's easy to do when people are sharing negativity, ranting about divorce, or trying to form bonds with someone new. I always assumed what I was hearing was the truth, because I knew I was telling the truth. Looking back on it, I think I was fed a lot of bull. I'm getting better at connecting with my intuition and BS detector, and am genuinely starting to question my core group of acquaintances. 

I've learned that I am an open book.  I will tell you the truth about 100% of my life. If I don't have a strong connection with you, I may not share certain aspects with you, but I won't lie to you about them either. I will just withhold personal details until I feel I can trust you. I've also learned that I genuinely want to trust everyone. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I assume there is no motive to hurt me, because you are an adult and have the same values as I do. I am in no way claiming to be perfect. I have not always been honest. I have not always been faithful. But I did go through some heart wrenching times during my marriage that completely opened my eyes and changed my behavior for the better. I vowed to myself, which is more important than promising someone else, to stop lying...for ever. It is now physically impossible for me to lie. It was that traumatic of an experience. 

I have learned that behavior can change (most often it's only temporary) but your character is unchangeable. During very stressful times, I find myself slipping into old behavior patterns. I have to stop and remind myself every two to three days, or publicly call myself out and get help from my friends with accountability. I believe the people I've surrounded myself with all have stellar character, but some haven't taken time to examine their motives, actions and values lately. With the end of the year approaching, and a new one about to begin, it's a perfect time for self reflection and inventory.

It is my personality to be open and honest. I usually follow that up with "to a fault", but I am no longer going to look at it that way. It is a gift. I have been given a gift to feel deeply, love unconditionally, to be open with emotions and to help heal people that need healing. I would like to think that I can teach others that it is okay to open yourself up, to risk rejection in lieu of false hopes for the future, and to love yourself enough to let others see your flaws and shortcomings. I don't want perfection...there is no such thing. I want to be able to see honest, real, open, vulnerable and dependable qualities in you. I want you to see those qualities in me as well...without having to dig deep.

I know many of my best qualities have been intensified due to experiences I have been through in life. Maybe the people I'm counting on haven't experienced what I have, in order to gain perspective on their own value system. All I can do is continue to be me...like it or leave it...I won't change or shut myself down, because as painful as it might be to possibly get rejected by someone, it will be so worth it when I do find my circle of people to trust. 

The best gift I can give you is me...my humor, my excitement for life and adventure, my love for my family, my sense of wonder in the beauty of nature, my open mind and open heart, and my honesty and trust.

A clean slate...for someone

I've been absent a while... Metaphorically speaking and physically absent as well.  I'm back...in both ways. I guess I needed some time to process the loss of a job, the loss of direction for a while, the uncertainty of my future, and a bunch of junk that just wanted to bubble up to the surface. I can't wait for all of that to resolve before writing again, because life just isn't ever going to be perfect, or calm, or convenient, so I will just make room for getting my words out and accomplish this task of sharing again. 

Sometime this week my kids' dad is coming back into town. He has been out of state for two months, but hasn't physically spent any time with them for closer to three months. I am in close to panic mode about this, mostly because he's not coming home to stay.  He's coming to visit, say hi to his children, spend his birthday here with his parents and sisters (and kids I guess?) then pack up his truck and drive to Minnesota to begin his new life.  I get it. He's moving on. I am happier than ever that he's found something to lift him out of his depression he's been suffering, and can make a new start and get back on his feet. My one issue...it comes at the expense of his kids. 

I know, I know...kids are resilient. It is my job to protect them and reassure them this decision has nothing to do with them...he's not abandoning them, he's not giving up on them, he's not replacing them with "her kids", I know how to keep everything positive about him in their eyes. I absolutely have no intention of souring the relationship between father and child. BUT...I will not accept responsibility for what his decision creates in their mind. I am beside myself about this, and I have issues with men in general that make this move and discard their children. I get it...there are definite reasons that this has to happen in some cases...I just can't figure a way to justify it in my head. 

I know plenty of divorced men and women that have figured out how to work things out while keeping the welfare of their children as TOP PRIORITY. As bad as my divorce was...let's recap...my arrest and jail time, his loss of job, complete change in financial status, etc...the main focus every moment of every day was making sure the kids were taken care of and we were working on doing things for their benefit. I don't have to be his best friend, but I refuse to be the enemy as well. I've known him for 23 years, and was married to him for 20. I didn't think a year ago that we would be talking civil..but we are. Maybe some of that is because he is 1400 miles away and I don't have daily interaction with him. 

My other deep seeded resentment for his actions? He walks away and starts a new life. Leaves the pain, hurt, embarrassment of his past behind. He can stuff it all down deep where it will fester and come back to haunt him in time, but for the moment...can start with a clean slate. Guess where that leaves the mom (me)?  Dealing with the pain, hurt and embarrassment of the past, both in my life and in each one of our kids. It was bad enough being cheated on and lied to, but now we are all being discarded too? It's like a double whammy, slap in the face, and a big F You. Where's my clean slate, fresh start and new life?  Oh, I have it. I'm creating it. But MINE is centered around my kids. So forgive me if you think some of my actions appear self centered, but there may be times I need a breather...to step back and take a short break from holding everything together with a very weak glue. I'm new at this. I'm trying to preserve my sanity, my kids trust for adults, and restore their faith in love and marriage. I've got my work cut out for me.

As far as future relationships go...I can't commit to anything right now except my family. If I let you in to my family unit, you are being entrusted with a HUGE honor of possibly becoming a role model for my children. This in itself is a massive role, and not one to be taken lightly. I'm not looking for a new daddy for them. I'm not looking for a husband for me. I am looking for a sounding board, a friend, an entertainer...just someone that can interact in a positive light and help restore some of that trust and faith in adults for my kids. Someone to reassure me that I am doing okay...that I have good kids...or if you see a looming potential problem, you are able to call it like you see it and help me figure out a solution before it's too late. 

Who I let around my kids and who I spend my time with shouldn't be two class of people. I have to put some of my own wants and needs aside if necessary and purely focus on the kids ...this last year I've been very selfish and self preserving. That time is over now...I made it through the toughest parts of this situation...time to turn to my children and help them through their tough time right now.

I don't want this post to offend or confuse anyone, I'm withdrawing for a while, from a lot of areas, until I know my kids can get through this shift of seeing their dad move out of state and all of us move back into the house they grew up in. Yes'm that's right...renting from the ex...keeping his house occupied and having the kids back in the neighborhood and where they are comfortable. That is going to do a number on me mentally and emotionally, but again...kids best interests in mind, not mine. 

I'll get through this...my kids will get through it...like EVERYONE has been telling me, kids are resilient, right!? 

Feel free to wish me luck, and keep my kids in your prayers. I think they deserve a clean slate too, or at least a chance to not have their current slate covered with a bunch of crap.

Six Week Clean Life Challenge - Tony Cress Personal Training

I overcame my biggest obstacle today...THE BEGINNING...STARTING and FINISHING DAY ONE WORKOUT.

I know that sounds silly, but I woke up at six, and the first thought in my head was "I don't want to do this". But then I remembered my five reasons why I am doing this challenge, and I remembered that today was the easiest day, so I just needed to get it done.

Even after the positive self talk, I didn't feel like moving. I fixed breakfast for the kids, got Daniel off to his zero hour class at 6:50, then came home, got into my workout clothes, and fell back to sleep. I could've worked out then, but I didn't want Liz to hear/see me. I took Liz to school at 8 and decided I needed to face my workout demon. I texted my boss that I would be in by 10.

I grabbed my shoes and socks, and set up my living room with a bench for the mtn climber push-ups and some weights for the jump squats. I need to buy a kettle bell. I began the workout at 8:19am. At the end of round one, I think I took a four minute break. Immediately after, I thought there was no way in hell I would finish two more rounds. I thought horrible, negative things about myself. "How did you let yourself get in this shape?" "This is disgusting and embarrassing, you can't walk into a gym like this" "you are so fat that can't even breath in this position"..and worse.

When I got my composure back, I convinced myself another round would not kill me, and I would just get all three done and feel better eventually. I drank a ton of water and started round two. During the burpees, I had to slow it down a little and focus more on good form and slow and steady.  End of round two, more water and maybe a three minute break. It was taking me a long time to recover my breathing.

Last round high knees looked slow motion, mtn climbers were awkward, the lunge squat with side leg were still good, butt kickers slow-mo, burpees were really slow and steady, jump squats made me super dizzy and the kettle bell swing made me realize I was at the end of the workout and I survived it.

My heart rate was about 180 at the very end. I was wheezing and there was more negative self talk about how out of shape I am. I gave myself a little credit for pushing through, but I was still not happy with myself. But then something hit me.

This is the last day that I will feel this negative about myself. Because from this day forward, I will be improving. I got through the worst of it. I STARTED.

*Michelle and I met Tony Cress in Jackpot, NV this past weekend. Yes, he was part of the entertainment...but all of those men that perform together are also successful businessmen. I am tackling this challenge with every ounce of commitment and determination to win. And by win, I mean to make some serious life changes. That is winning.

Overcoming Insecurity

I think it's pretty natural for humans to be insecure, to a certain extent. I can only speak for myself at the moment though. It's 4:45am and I am wide awake. Thankfully, I have today off work and I only have grocery shopping to get done. I'll sleep later. Right now I am spending time examining my troubling feelings that are keeping me from sleep. 

I was reminiscing with a friend tonight what an awful year my 40th year was, then after some of the worst moments of my life, my 41st year ended up absolutely amazing. Now I'm 42. I look back two years ago at all the insecurities I had...mostly things I was told were wrong with me...and see the growth I've had. I have gained so much confidence since my divorce, yet I still get the unwelcome visits periodically from Insecurity that makes me doubt myself. 

I'll throw these out there so I don't skirt around the issues: 

I don't want to be alone. Outside of immediate family, I don't feel important to anyone. I want to mean the world to someone. I want someone who is in love with me, not just loves me (there's a difference). I worry that I will scare people away when I start showing my serious, emotional side. (I'm great company when my guard is up) I'm afraid I will be everyone's best friend and sidekick, but not relationship material. I'm also afraid I don't want any of the above, just miss the feelings associated with it all! 

I don't know why I'm rushing myself to have my life figured out right now. I have plenty of time, I hope. I have just been plagued with this feeling of urgency in several areas of my life. I don't want to waste time. I want to make every moment count, and if I don't know where my path is taking me, I'm finding myself filled with anxiety and impatience. I want answers. I want security. I want a lot that I can't even put a finger on and give a name to it. 

According to this chart, I am doing well in the confidence area. My insecurities have less to do with myself as a person, and more to do with my future in general. I'm self talking my way through this as I write, and it just became clear to me that is what is troubling me. I am a confident person. See the chart below:

So now that I have accepted the fact that I'm okay, and it's the fear of my unknown future, I can work on other things, like patience and using my time wisely. Also, in taking time to figure out what I want. Here are a few things that I know already...

(I don't agree with parts of that second paragraph...I don't have self-hate or worry about what others think of me...but I can be clingy and I am a hopeless romantic at heart!)

So, I'm doing okay I think...I am capable of showing and receiving love. I know when I'm being treated poorly, and it's my choice to accept that treatment or walk away with my head held high. I tend to relate a lot of my emotions and memories to music, and this particular song puts those feelings into words...if this was being sung to me by the person I want to hear it from, because I will feel the same way in return... This isn't the radio version...which makes it even better for my heart. 

The person who gets me is going to be really damn lucky. 

Thank you for following along with me on my self therapy session.

Here's the radio version of Lee Brice's song (by the way, I got to hear this live, at his concert, falling in love with it)

It's not about Creating...it's about Discovering

I reached another milestone today, and had a break through epiphany. Since I started blogging, the title of it has been "the creation of Ms. Wallace". For some reason, today I looked at the photo I posted of me one year ago and realized, I have not created anything. I'm on a journey of discovery.  I've been created already...I was born. I was raised. Creation happened through science. Discovery is a personal journey everyone gets to choose. Some people probably never discover who they are or why they are here. I fully intend to.

In this last year I have had many adventures, accomplished several large "bucket list" items, taken risks and performed on stage in front of hundreds of people collectively. I have struggled with my identity, confidence, value, and worth.  I've met some people who have made me feel more valuable, and some who have tried to make me feel worthless. I have finally learned to take control over my circle of trust, and I'm slowly deciding who I want to keep close to me. I'm still struggling with seeing those few that are there only because I won't release my grasp on them. Others are just coming into my life now, and I'm taking time to decide their meaning and placement. I can honestly say, the people I have come back in contact with from my past have all had a reason to appear again, while some of the new friends I have made in the last year will likely be more important to me than I could have imagined.

This next year ahead, if I am granted to be kept on this earth still, will be epic. I have lofty goals, backed by solid plans of how to accomplish them. I have so much ahead of me, so much to experience and accomplish. There are a few more big bucket list trips, some great concerts, sporting events, and amazing friends to enjoy spending time with. 

While it appears that I am submersed in discovering myself, be aware I have a laser focus on my children. They are starting to notice that I am okay. They see my optimistic outlook in the middle of some very bleak situations. They have seen me sacrifice pride and reach out to help someone who hurt me deeply. I am trying every day to handle myself with grace and dignity when it comes to our family situation. I've been called out for blogging certain aspects of the last year, but I am pretty comfortable with the generalities I write in. I've tried to protect both the innocent and the guilty parties. My kids, they are amazing. I love them with every fiber of my being. I would fight to the death for each of them. I have a protective instinct that I wasn't aware of since becoming a single parent. I am now the fierce one that would lay down my life if needed. I discovered that has always been a part of me, I just never thought it would be needed. Our family had a protector...he was a Marine, a police officer, a husband and father. Now that it's gone, I have a role to play that is just now manifesting itself. It is down deep, I have just realized it's there waiting to be developed. It's the same place that holds the determination and drive to workout, get in the best shape of my life, and become a warrior goddess. It's up to me to discover my inner strength.

I hope you all can follow with me and watch the evolution and discovery of Ms Wallace. It's going to be a real adventure. If I can inspire just one person to become a better version of themself, or convince someone of their amazing worth, or lead by example on how to live an honest life, this journey will be more than worth it.

Labor Day and Lies

Labor Day weekend will always be somewhat "memorable" to me. Last year, Labor Day fell a little earlier...the Friday before was August 29th. It was on this day that I was in a physical altercation with my now ex-husband, and I spent 4 nights in the county jail with a broken left hand. I won't go into details, but I was holding his phone and he wanted it back. Prior to that, I read some things on his phone that made me lose my shit and hit him with his baseball hat. Yep, it was a two way street. Push comes to shove, comes to a couple of minutes of things you can't ever repair. Why four nights? Well, there is no bond for domestic battery, and I had to wait til Tuesday to see a judge via video arraignment. Do many people know this story? A handful. Why am I telling it now? Because this is the one year anniversary of the weekend that it happened and the case is finally over. There is so much more to this, and the details aren't important. What is important is that we both did things we shouldn't have, and I was the one that made the report and "turned myself in" as the police chose to describe it. What is also important are the twenty years of marriage that was sprinkled here and there with lies and infidelities that came to an ugly head in a matter of seconds. I hope by me sharing this, I get some closure, and the few people that read my blog gain some insight into a personal form of hell.

I am far from perfect, and I am definitely not without fault in the break-up of our marriage. Many years ago (almost a decade), I was in a very low place and found myself getting attention from men other than my husband. It was nice. It really was. One particular person didn't live in the same town, it was "harmless" flirting, and I felt like I was finally understood. He was charming too. Said everything I wished my husband would say to me. When my husband found the emails he called me out on it, and I didn't want to tell the truth. I didn't want to hurt him. We had some pretty huge fights over this, especially when I told him there were others in previous years that I had been in contact with, and one happened to be a close friend of his. I was a shitty wife. I am the first to admit it. I wanted to blame it on him, and his job, and his lack of attention to me, but I knew it was my fault. I had chosen to do these things. I wasn't proud of myself and I was willing to let him walk away from me...but he didn't. He insisted we work out our problems and stay married. We had four children at this time, the youngest was 3. I had an ultimatum to face before he decided if he was staying or not. It was based on the outcome of my lie detector test. Yes, you read that. I took a lie detector test for my then husband.

I can tell you without a doubt, that was the most humiliating event I have EVER been through. I sat in front of someone I'd never met and was asked a series of the same questions, phrased in many different ways, about sexual infidelity. I emptied my closets of all skeletons possible that evening. When the test results were registered, and my then husband was happy with the outcome that I had never had sex with anyone else, he determined we would stay married and attend counseling. I wasn't even sure that's what I wanted, but he seemed so broken that I believe I owed it to him to atone for my sins. The first couple years were a lot of work, but we threw ourselves into investing time and energy into our marriage, and these were some of the happiest, memorable times we had together in our twenty years together. There were a lot of rules I agreed to follow...no social media, no speaking to men outside of strictly business matters, no traveling out of town without him...the list went on...but I AGREED to it. There were no secrets, no lies, and my closets remained clear and clean, as well as my conscience. Yes I am aware how messed up this is, and it wasn't healthy, but I really felt like this was my responsibility to "fix".

At some point we stopped working. We fell back into a complacent pattern and life started happening around us. This is when he started finding people online and developed "friendships" with females that were supportive of his bodybuilding goals and gave him the attention and excitement he wasn't feeling from me anymore.

I won't give details of his faults, there were a lot surrounding a particular married person he found online, but this is what brought the end to the marriage. It was a LOT more than what I did, but he was up front with me about it AFTER the fact. I didn't need to have him take a lie detector test, because he told me what happened. I didn't make him stay because he didn't want to cut communication with her. In fact she is still in his life somewhat now and I wish them the best. I didn't fight to save our marriage because it was over. I lived for 7 years in fear of him cheating on me or leaving me, and honestly, it was the best thing that could have ever happened. I was instantly freed from the prison I had placed myself in full of shame and guilt and regret. I felt like I had served my sentence by being a good and faithful wife for the last seven years, albeit a very resentful one at times.

A year ago I was in jail for four nights. I can't believe what a year can do. I won't write much about how the ex is doing right now, because I will respect his privacy and someday it will all be in a book or movie anyway. But I will say, he is in his own prison in his mind right now. I've tried helping, but the time has come for me to focus on my healing and taking care of our kids and making sure they stay safe and sane.

This brings me to the part about truth and lies. I decided over eight years ago that I would never put another skeleton in a closet. I promised myself to tell the truth, always. It's not easy, especially when you don't want to hurt someone or embarrass yourself. There are a lot of reasons to lie, and to justify it as well. I learned to expect that same behavior from others, and became disappointed repeatedly when I would uncover a lie. I found that lying is a common defense mechanism used by humans in general. I had changed my behavior, but I couldn't change those around me.

I talked with my counselor today about this, and have been given a book to read. Basically, I am going to learn how my behavior attracks people of the same behavior (this is my pea-brain understanding of it at this point). I am meeting new people, developing new friendships, and have some work to do in order to attract people that are healthy for me. I think this is why so many women end up with the same type of men that they've just divorced...they haven't changed their behavior patterns. If nothing else, it will be an interesting read.

This is a big deal for me to admit my faults and imperfections, to accept responsibility for how screwed up I was and the damage I did in a really screwed up marriage. It also serves as a warning to anyone who might be going down the same path in their marriage. I don't have advice other than be honest. Honest with yourself, spouse, the person you may be cheating with. You can't have a three ring circus and think that you'll keep it all straight without losing your mind and everything else at stake.

My ex and I are both lucky we got out. I hope he recovers. He lost a lot more than I did. I want the best for him and our children, and I also want the best for my future. If you find yourself in this spot, start by emptying your closets. You have to let it all out and start fresh. Be honest with everyone. They may not like you for it, but maybe they don't belong in your life, or you don't belong in theirs. I'd rather be hurt by the truth, than live in a lie.

This labor day I am NOT in jail. Not physically, not mentally and not emotionally. I am living an authentic life and taking responsibility for my actions and decisions: past, present  and future.

Who I Am

After you give this a listen, then you can continue reading...

So that's part of MY story right now.  No, I don't have a particular person in mind when it says "I was made for you" ...but someday...someday...I am going to feel like a million bucks, and I am going to feel like I was made for some one.  Right now I feel like about half a million (which is pretty phenomenal if you ask me!)  the rest of the song is spot on though. 

I have had a pretty surreal year.  I am enduring something right now regarding a legal issue that very few people know about. I am holding so much in, that if I really shared my stories, no one would believe me. I've sacrificed so much, conquered demons, faced fears, tackled problems, accomplished goals...so, so much...and yet I still have so much more to do. I have a perpetual smile on my face, hiding the ugliness that is contained inside still. I am not putting on a front...it is for protection.  For you to not see the real me yet. I don't have anyone else I want to tell, except the people who already know. 

This is who I am...

Brave, strong, determined, insecure, frightened, excited, depressed, fearless, restless, content and a mess. I have good days, bad days, fantastic days and terrible days. I feel loved and yet still very much alone. I long for a constant companion to complete me but need my independence and freedom so I don't give up control to someone who may hurt me. I want control, but I want someone to take care of me. 

Sounds simple enough doesn't it? 

This is WHO I AM. This is WHO I HAVE BECOME. This is not WHO I WILL BE TOMORROW. 

Tomorrow I will be mom, soothing the aches and pains of her children, sharing in their joys and laughter, cooking, cleaning, carrying on with the perpetual smile and ever ready sense of humor and sarcasm. I am that divorced woman who is doing quite well for herself. I am the woman with lines across her face, the one that will sacrifice time, love, money and self to feel that connection with you...only to find out, it's not there. 

Who I am, I am a little of everything...waiting, just waiting for a directional sign, ANY SIGN, to see where life's adventure will take me next.  Please, LIFE, be kind.

THE STORY - Brandi Carlile

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you

APPRECIATE THE BRUISES!

I started a post about bruises on July 25th, after going to the Train concert and being reminded of their song I used to listen to so many times. I just couldn't finish the post. I couldn't get the words right, and I didn't feel the message I was writing was complete. After this past week, I have realized the message I wanted to send finished writing itself. The message played out in my life all week. Life isn't about just getting bruised and banged up, and going through the healing process. Getting bruised comes in so many forms...some of them good even!

When I was about 4 or 5 years old, my body was covered in bruises. All. The. Time. No, I wasn't abused. I was LIVING. My mom and dad spent hours at a time outside with me, holding onto the back of my banana seat bike and steadying me as I was learning how to ride all by myself. I don't remember training wheels back then. We didn't have helmets or knee pads to protect us. What I do remember was peddling maybe two or three rotations and falling down. OVER and OVER and OVER again. I would pick myself up off the ground, get back on my bike, and repeat the process for what seemed like hours. At night, before bed, I would inspect my new "polka dots" covering my arms and legs. Sometimes I would even poke at them to see how bad they hurt. (You can't say you've never done this to a bruise, I still do!) I was proud of those dots. I was active. I was learning something new. I was having the time of my life. I finally learned how to ride that bike, and even after mastering it at a young age, I would still occasionally peddle so fast that my foot would slip off the peddle and I would get the nasty razor sharp edge of the peddle slammed deep into the flesh right above my ankle. Those peddles had TEETH on them. You remember? So I would end up with cuts and bruises on both ankles or shins, even AFTER I knew how to ride like a pro. I don't remember complaining much about getting my body banged up. It was part of the process, and at that age, bruises were proud distinguishing marks about how much fun you were having.

If you've known me for any length of time, I'm sure you've seen bruises on my body. I still get them. OFTEN. I am not the most graceful person sometimes. During my week in Louisville, Kentucky with Emily and several others from SkillsUSA this summer, I left the amusement park with some HUGE bruises...thanks to getting slammed into the side rails of rides, and just running into random things at the park.Yes, I even poked at a really big one on my leg to see the depth of pain associated with it. These bruises were well earned. I had a blast that day. Right now I am sporting some serious bruises on my legs from dancing last weekend. Again, bruises gained in fun and well worth the ugly marks. My friend Sylvia is a pole artist. She is covered in bruises from her workouts. She has earned every single one of them.They are badges of distinction she has earned through hard work and determination. I just joined Inner Diva again, and am positive I will be earning many more bruises once I start up classes again this weekend. I want every one of them to mean something. I'm learning, I'm growing, and I will be getting stronger.

Now let me bring up the bruises you can't see me covered in. Internal bruising. Heart damage, pride, self esteem, and ego. Other people can't see these marks that have been inflicted. Some are self inflicted, others were caused by actions or words from others, just like external ones that come from actions of others. These "dots" can't be seen, but they can still be felt, and poked at, just like the black and blue ones. Sometimes we choose to continue to poke at ourselves and see the level of pain each one may cause. These seem to heal slower than the visible ones. But, you know what? You don't have to poke them. The less you poke, the faster they heal. You know how each one got there. You also know that it's just a temporary wound that will go away if you leave it alone. Appreciate the reason you got it, acknowledge the source, and let the healing process take care of itself. Others aren't aware of these because they aren't showing on the surface. It doesn't make them any less real. But again, I want every one of these bruises to mean something too. I'm learning, I'm growing, and I'm getting stronger...mentally and emotionally.

I love my bruises. I am who I am because of the hardships, the injuries, and the FUN that caused every single one of them. I'm not done getting bruised either. Life isn't over...it's just beginning for me. I still feel like I am at a point in my life where I am just learning how to ride that banana seat bike. There is a lot of life ahead of me that is new and yet to be experienced. But this post isn't all about me...I need my children to understand about bruises as well. 

My oldest daughter is moving from Oregon to California next week, and chances are, she will be bruised from head to toe soon. My second oldest will be saying goodbye to her high school sweetheart when he leaves for college next week and she stays here to finish her last semester of college for her associate degree this winter. She will be bruised emotionally for a while as well. I need them both to appreciate these "dots" and grow from the experiences. I feel for them. I know there will be pain, fear and uncertainty in their lives for a while. But that is how we grow. We leave our comfort zone, and the goal is to come out the other side a stronger person. I pray they both learn this with grace and support from those around them. My son will be entering high school, quite possibly without his father in the same state. He bruises easily as well...both physically and emotionally. For a teenage boy, I can only imagine it won't be as "cool" to have the bruises that are invisible, even though he would brag for days about visible injuries. My youngest daughter is already covered with internal bruises. I'm so glad she will be leaving tomorrow for five days of church camp. She needs to learn, from someone other than me telling her, that she has the ability to heal quickly. She hasn't been permanently damaged by the events of the past year. All of them will hopefully look back someday and appreciate their bruises...every single one of them will have been earned for a reason.

I am happily bruised. I'm living life. I have marks to prove it. I am looking forward to more bruises in my future. I am going to push myself to accomplish things that really will leave physical marks, and I'm pushing myself to open up emotionally, putting myself at risk for more invisible bruises. There are events in life looming right around the corner that will be painful...parents are aging, good health is not a guarantee, and every day is uncertain what challenges we may face. So for now, I will appreciate everything in my life. Even my banged up arms and legs, heart and ego, and smile at the fact that I am living..life..to the fullest. I hope you are too. We all need to remember not to poke at our "dots" too much. They will heal with time.

Un-traditioning : reprogramming the new normal

Happy 6th of July

I couldn't write for a while. I'm so happy with my life right now, so please don't mistake what I have to say with anything other than just being real. There's a lot around this time of year that is messing with my head and my heart.

For about 6 of the past 10 years, there was a fourth of July potluck in the front yard of the "big house" (that's the house we all lived in) that I hosted with the help of a couple of neighbors. Everyone would bring a side dish, and whatever meat they wanted to grill and their lawn chairs. We would bring our big grill around front, set up folding tables and coolers of drinks and everyone would set up chairs all over our yard. This would start around 6:30pm, and we would all sit and eat and visit and laugh for hours until it became dark enough to move all the chairs behind our house in a common area "the track" to set off fireworks. One of our neighbors used to spend WAY TOO MUCH money on illegal ones. He was a widower, and just loved these gatherings. Last fourth of July was our first gathering without him (he passed away prior to the new year of 2014). After the display, everyone would help gather things up and life returned to normal. For those few hours, we were all completely carefree and happy. One year the sprinklers in the common area behind our house came on while we were lighting off fireworks and got everybody wet. I remember these things like they were yesterday.

FAST FORWARD TO THIS YEAR:

The EX was the one who loved lighting off fireworks with the kids. Even when he was on duty, he would make it a point to stop by. Several years his shift rotation allowed him to be off work completely. This year he is in Minnesota with his girlfriend and her two small kids celebrating the fourth and looking for a job. My oldest is in college in Oregon. Second oldest spent it at her boyfriends house and Ann Morrison park. Son was playing in a baseball tournament earlier in the day then stayed home with the dogs to make sure they weren't getting too scared and played video games all night online with a friend. Youngest went to her cousins house and set off lots of fireworks and had a BBQ. I watched my son play baseball, then went back to watch the late game because I didn't want to be at my house alone. Then I finally went to a girlfriends house and hung out with snack plates, drinks and we surfed dating websites. My son never lit a single fireworks this year. The cul d sac has changed...more people have moved out besides just me this year...and the tradition just stopped. Like I said...I love my life. I am happy. I hate that traditions effect me so much and I'm pained by watching my kids recognize the amount of upheaval in their lives. But I made it through the fourth and then the fifth arrived...

JULY 5, 2015

Emily called me in the morning to let me know one of our dogs needs to see a vet. She was on her way to work and I just assured her everything would be OK with the dog, etc . I had a lazy morning drinking coffee in bed and was still doing nothing when my phone rang and it was Emily's number. I had a sick feeling when answering, and sure enough, it was a paramedic letting me know they were transporting emily to the ER after she had a seizure at work. There's a lot of emotions and memories triggered when Emily has a seizure.  She was released same day and came home and had her boyfriend come keep her company. We have dealt with Emily's seizures for 18 months now, and about to start again with a cardiologist and neurologist to see if there's any new information. But this time, I'm doing it alone, uninsured, and without the emotional support of another adult in my life.

So Happy July 6th. I needed to vent. I'm sad, im lonely, I'm worried about all my kids, I'm worried about my new normal life ahead of me, and I'm trying to un-tradition each holiday, special occasion and family function so I can start to reprogram a new kind of normal for us.

As negative as all of that sounded, here is the reality of my life right now:
I have more self confidence than I have EVER had as an adult.
I see my children being resilient and forgiving and accepting.
I have more appreciation for the small things in my life.
I am meeting new experiences head on and with all of my enthusiasm.
I have brought new friends into my life and I can see the benefits each one of them offer me, and hope I find what I can help them with in their lives.
I realize I have a lot of love to give, and I can do it without protecting myself so much.

Thank you for being part of my life, even if you only read my blog and we never talk. I hope you take a little of my advice when I remind you of this one thing...don't get so wrapped up in tradition that you become disappointed if circumstances change. New traditions can develop, a new normal can be created, and the best tradition for any gathering is to remember everything you have to be grateful for.

MOVIES, SONGS and A PICTURE OF ME - Days 8, 9 & 10

Day 8 Three movies

1. Benny and Joon - I watched this at a time in my life when someone close to me was struggling with some mental/emotional problems. Besides Johnny Depp and Mary Stuart Masterson being awesome in this, the soundtrack included the Proclaimers... "I would walk five hundred miles, and I would walk five hundred more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door." This was what I wanted in my man that I did not yet have.

2. Sixteen Candles - The end scene, candlelight dinner, and Thompson Twins song "If You Were Here" starts playing.
"Happy Birthday Samantha, make a wish."
"It already came true."

3. Top Gun - "take me to bed or lose me forever." ~ Enough. Said.

Day 9 Two Songs ( I can't do just two)

1a. The Story - Brandi Carlile (I will belt this mother out if given the chance!)

  b. Wouldn't it be Good to be in your shoes - Nik Kershaw


2.  Green Eyes - Coldplay (so glad I was introduced to this Coldplay song. I'd like to think its about me)

Day 10 One Picture of Me

2:10 am

June 12, 2015

Vacation commences in mere hours. I am about to have the best time of my life thus far.

BOOKS - Day 7

Ugh, worst category for me. I am more of a trashy romance novel reader. I certainly can't list the last four books I read and look any type of intelligent! With that being said, I also really enjoy getting a great book started, and then reading it all night long until I find myself staying up all night in order to finish it. I did this with at least one book in each of the following series:

1. Hunger Games (entire series) 

2. Twilight (entire series)

3. Fifty Shades (entire series)

4. Divergent (entire series)

Yep, they have all been made into movies. Proud to say I read them ALL before that ever happened. It was fun having a daughter that was giving me suggestions on what to read. (DOES NOT APPLY TO FIFTY SHADES!) Maybe a few vacations from now I will have read more intelligent books. These served their purpose though. I escaped. They were pretty mindless and light reading which is a lot of what I needed at the time...

So the best part is, someday I will get to list my own books as some of my favorites. I just need to live a little more so I know how to end the first of the trilogy. 

FOODS - Day 6

I am going to try to be fair to the food groups here, and give you something from each one that I feel I couldn't live without. I can't list my favorite in each, because they change often.

I like food. I don't love it, but I like it a lot. Its not about sitting down by myself and pigging out at all. It is the pleasure of using food as a social focal point with others, mainly as a celebratory device. My problem is, I've had a LOT to celebrate lately, and therefore, over the course of 8 months, I have gained additional curvature. I'm in the process now of chiseling away at my fine sculpture, and reconnecting with what is under the outer layers. So, while I am thinking of how hungry I am for breakfast I'll get these foods written out and then be on my way to make eggs and ham.

VEGETABLES

I LOVE a good salad. Not talking iceberg, cabbage, carrot mix. Spinach, walnut, strawberry and chicken is one of my favorites. Kale mixed in there is great too. I find that the best kind of salad is always one that I didn't have to take the time to make. The preparation of salads drives me bonkers.

FRUIT

Peaches and Huckleberries.

No not necessarily mixed together, but it's a tie as to my favorite. Both are very much a seasonal problem in Idaho too. I'll eat them fresh, but as with everything healthy, there are hundreds of ways to add sugar and fat and carbs to them and transform something natural into a calorie laden, delicious dessert. Pie and cobbler would be two favorites for both of those fruits. 

GRAIN

Steel cut oats. I found a recipe for refrigerator oatmeal, and it is amazing. Put all ingredients together at night in a mason jar, stick in fridge. In the morning, it's ready to eat. I don't like so many carbs right off the bat, so it's a mid morning snack for me, but what an easy meal. I also will use oatmeal in tuna fish. Most people never notice. It's great to absorb the excess liquid, and with dill added, the oats don't change the flavor at all.

PROTEIN

Chicken. The beer chicken recipe I got from a friend is my new go to for easy chicken preparation. But beyond that, I still have 20+ ways I love to prepare it. Grilled, shredded in a crock pot, baked, fried, stuffed, stir fried...you name it, I've probably tried it with chicken. 

DAIRY

Cheese. This is my diet downfall right here. This is where my excess fat is derived from. I'm not a big sugar or chocolate fan. I'm also not a big ice cream eater. But cheese....oh goodness. If I had to remove dairy from my diet completely, I don't know how long my willpower would last. I try to stick with lower fat options like string cheeses and cottage cheese now. However, the richer and more aged the cheese is, the more I am intrigued by it.

I really hadn't planned on today's blog turning out like this. When listing five of my favorite foods, how does really good Chinese takeout not make the list? What about Eggs Benedict? This was a hard list for me to narrow down. I guess I am glad that I have more favorite FOODS than I do FEARS.

PLACES - Day 5

I get to only list six places? How can I narrow it down to that?

1. AUSTRALIA. My Uncle Bill Wallace and cousin Kevin have lived in Australia for almost 50 years. Kevin has only been to the United States twice and I have never met him.  My Uncle Bill is in his 80's and I only met him once, when he flew to California on a military hop and then hitchhiked to North Idaho and stayed with us for a few weeks. That man was full of stories. To see my dad with one of his brothers was a huge treat. I feel sorry for their mother, whom I never met. She raised five sons. All of them have traveled world wide, mostly while serving in the military.

2. JAMAICA. I could possibly tackle this location through a dental mission trip later in 2015. I need to raise the money to cover the costs first. It is two days of travel and four or five days of providing underprivileged children with dental treatment. I have heard there is not a lot of personal time on these trips, but I feel it would be personally rewarding, maybe even more so than just a vacation.

3. IRELAND / WALES / SCOTLAND. The land of my ancestry. I would like to find and visit the Wallis Castle, and spend a considerable amount of time tracking down landmarks that were important in our family. It's too bad my dad won't be traveling anymore. He would have loved to go on this trip.

4. TAHITI. I was fortunate to work at the Polynesian Cultural Center during college at BYU-Hawaii in 1991-1992. I worked as a hostess at the Ali'i Luau, and every night after work the employees were allowed to watch the Night Show as long as there were seats available. I think at one point, I had the show memorized and could have been a stand it for the female dancers. I was learning the Poi Balls, and had the Hula down pretty well for a white chick. The Tahitian dancers, and their culture in general, was always my favorite. I know that if given the opportunity, Tahiti would be a place I could live long term.

5. THE REST OF THE FIFTY STATES. Okay, so this is an easy way to sneak in more than 6 places. I have only been to 18 of the 50 states (plus Washington DC - so 19 out of 51 locations). I will be adding 5 or 6 more just this summer alone! I have a road trip coming up tackling a MAJOR bucket list item just next week! It will take me through Tennessee, Kentucky, Indiana, Illinois and Ohio. Don't worry, I will tell you all about it after I return and have pictures to accompany my stories! My dental office will be going to Florida in July for additional BOTOX training, and Emily and I will be spending a week in Kentucky for a competition she is in for SkillsUSA. If I am able to keep going at this rate, it won't take too long to see this one accomplished!

6. FRANCE. I mean, this has to make the list. Who wouldn't want to visit Paris? Did I take two years of French in high school for nothing? This is more like a token destination for my list, because yes, I have always wanted to do this. In high school, I gave up my opportunity to go on a two week exchange to France in order to participate in the Jr Miss Scholarship program. I ended up winning the title of Sandpoint Jr Miss, but looking back on it now? I probably should have traveled :)

There are so many more places I need to add to my list after I get these locations conquered. Costa Rica, Belize, Mexico (just to say I've been there), Tonga, New Zealand...I could go on and on. I officially have been bitten by the travel bug. Now I need to find a way to finance these adventures! (If someone reading this has the means to travel to these locations, and just needs some company, I am willing to be taken along as a travel companion as well...just sayin')

WANTS - Day 4

Well, after yesterdays post about fears, I spent a good portion of the day and night dwelling on those. Mostly about the sabotaging of relationships and driving people away from me. Funny thing was pointed out to me...the conversations I have in my head are always so much worse than conversations in real life. I will start my list of wants right there:

1. I want to live in the present. Stop worrying about the "what if's" of the future and the "should have's" of the past. I want to make the best choices with the information I have available RIGHT NOW. I want to enjoy this day, this hour, this moment.

2. I want to drive out fear with love. I said in my post of nine loves that I am learning to love myself. I want to learn faster. I do believe that I can replace many of my fears with love. I think this will help myself tremendously, but it will also help my children see my strength and determination to be a gracious, compassionate, happy person that isn't afraid to live life to the fullest.

3. I want to have adventures. I want to make every day an adventure in even the smallest way. Find or do and appreciate something amazing that I normally wouldn't do. Salsa dancing lesson was an adventure. My summer road trips will be adventures. I also want to accomplish big adventures ...bucket list adventures.

4. I want my great love. I want to be needed, appreciated, spoiled a little, taken care of but above all else, LOVED. It doesn't have to be this instant...I just want to know love like this exists for me.  

5. I want my children to be okay. Actually, better than okay. I want them to be successful, determined, happy and well rounded. I am trying to show them by example, but sometimes fail in several areas on any given day. I keep trying though. I want them to know how important they are and how much each of them are loved and that I admire them for their resilience. I think my kids are pretty amazing. I am so proud of each one of them.

6. I want to be out of debt. I want to have flexibility in my work situation so I don't have to constantly make enough money to just get by each month.

7. I want to be at peace. I want to let go of the hurt and anger and malice I feel. I want to let others make their own decisions about where and how I fit into their life and accept whatever the outcome is. I want to make my own decisions about where and how other people will fit into my life and release the ones that don't fit. I just want everything to be okay...

FEARS (8 of them!) - Day 3

Oh boy, what did I get myself into deciding to take on this challenge.  Who likes to sit and consider their fears?  I know I don't. And the more I think about the ones to include, the more anxiety I feel about the fears that I have.  Some are your normal ones that everyone has a fear of  (ie spiders or heights). Others are much deeper seeded emotional fears (loneliness, abandonment).  I don't know which ones will make this list of eight, but lets explore shall we?

1. I FEAR LOSING PEOPLE I LOVE. I fear that I am not enough, therefore I am too clingy and possessive and jealous, always trying to give more and more and more to make the other person see how much I love them. I fear I will push someone away because of this behavior and self confidence deficiency. I am honest when I say that I love to be the reason they smile, the reason for their laugh and their joy. If someone else makes them appear to be happier than they are with me, I will feel terrible and the vicious cycle of me not being enough starts over again. I know this is unrealistic.  "I" am not the cause of their happiness.  "I" do not have the power to "make" someone happy. "I" am not the only reason they smile, nor would I want to have that level of responsibility to maintain! I know all the reasons why this is an unrealistic fear, yet I still fear it, and obsess over it, and it tends to make things worse. 

2. I FEAR BEING ALONE. Not at home by myself watching TV, not going to the movies by myself, but the ALONE that you see in a nursing home, no spouse, no partner, no life long committed relationship. No one by my side when I pass away from old age. No one that I mean the world to. No one that means the world to me. 

3. I FEAR BEING AFRAID.  That's pretty deep, but I think I can explain. I didn't like knowing my X was serving a search warrant with armed and dangerous suspects waiting to ambush the police. I fear the unknown when the possibility of loss is as tangible as my racing heart beat. I fear all things that make me SCARED. I fear that adrenaline rush when it is related to a true FIGHT or FLIGHT reaction. This even extends to horror movies. I can not physically make myself watch another one. EVER.

4. I FEAR SNAKES. enough said.

5. I FEAR MISSING OUT ON MY CALLING IN LIFE. This is one reason I am trying so desperately to figure out who I am. Maybe my calling is to be an awesome Mom and raise four amazing kids. So far I am doing well with that. If there is another reason I am on this earth, I would like to realize what it is.

6. I FEAR LOSING MY MIND. Funny right? There are days that I wonder if I haven't lost it already! Seriously though, I think I could handle a physical handicap or problems with my health as long as my mind stays in tact. I do not want to be a burden to my children or to a health care system. I want to stay sharp and quick witted. I think I can persevere any problem as long as I have my wits about me. I watch my Dad, with the onset of dementia, and it scares me to think of the possibilities in the years ahead. 

7. I FEAR DISAPPOINTING OTHERS. I am well aware I am not supposed to worry about what others think of me. I also know that for most of my life, I allowed my self esteem to be measured by what my significant other thought and said about me. I know now that this is the worst thing you can do to yourself. I should be in control of how I feel about myself. I should be the one who decides when it is time to cut my hair, lose ten pounds, buy a new outfit or enroll in college classes again. I am not doing any of those things to please anyone else. I will do it to make myself happy and to feel good about myself.

8. I FEAR FALLING IN LOVE...with the wrong person, meaning with someone who doesn't feel the same about me as I do about them. I want the princess fairy-tale true love with a happily ever after ending. I don't know if that even exists. And if it does exist, I wouldn't even know how to find it because I am afraid to open up to the possibility of getting hurt if it doesn't work out. I don't need marriage again, I don't need a ceremony, I don't need anything but a commitment to stay faithful to each other, whatever that may look like for the two of us. In the end, I may look back on my life and realize I did have that, and I gave it all up because of my other fears getting in the way and sabotaging the perfect love. I am afraid of that too.

LOVES - Day 2

Day 2  - Listing 9 of my loves:

1. MY FAMILY - my children, parents, sisters.  I may not talk to my parents as often as I should, but the older I get, the more I realize how much they have sacrificed over the years to raise me and my sisters.  I rarely talk to my sisters, but I know that if they need me or I need them, we would always be there for each other. My children are the driving force behind my happiness and my desire to be a better person, for their sake, and for my own. They won't fully understand how I feel about them until they have children of their own.

2. MUSIC - nearly all types. Some because of the lyrics...I find deep meaning behind a great love song or sad songs. I cry, I brood, I release things that can't be let go through words. On the flip side, I love some music strictly for the rhythm. To dance to, rock out to, fall asleep to. No matter the mood I am in, I am able to find a soundtrack to fit my life at that particular moment, and lose myself in it. 

3. STARS - The is nothing better than laying in the dark losing yourself in a clear sky full of stars.  Peaceful, romantic, calming, uplifting, whatever the need may be. I become so small and insignificant, yet also feel a great sense of purpose for being alive. It is with great wonder that I am able to gain perspective and feel at peace for even a few moments.

4. BODIES OF WATER - Be it a lake, river, stream, pond or ocean, water and being in the water transforms me into a weightless, mindless creature. (For that matter, bathtubs and hot tubs work too!) I'll never understand the power of the pull of the tide or the undercurrent. It is like a perfectly orchestrated struggle, that somehow works out over and over again. 

5. WORDS - I may not be able to always write what I mean, or say what I feel, or read what I need, but the power of words can buildup and create or destroy everything. I know of nothing more powerful. To hear someone speak to me and say words that incite a reaction. Three small words that range from I Hate You to I Love You, and everything in between.

6. LAUGHTER - Coming from myself or the people around me. Being entertained and appreciating witty banter between friends, listening to comedians, watching sitcoms, observing children at play...when the laughter begins, I usually find myself fully immersed in the pleasure of letting mine go. 

7. KISSING - do I really need to explain this? I think that if there ever came a day that I had to choose only one physical touch that would always be available to me, it would be a kiss. Forehead kisses when sad, kisses on the cheek from a friend, on the back of my hand while walking side by side, on my neck during ... Well, you get the point. Of course, a well spent kiss on my mouth would be great just about anytime. 

8. COFFEE - I know, silly right? There is something to be said about sharing coffee with a friend. A cold fall day, on a bench, with a best friend beside you. It also goes quite well when I am alone and want some quiet time. I haven't encountered a time when a cup of coffee wouldn't make a great situation just a little bit better. Even some nights right before bed. I guess it just has that effect on me.

9. MYSELF - This is new for me, and some may argue that if I truly loved myself, I wouldn't be so hard on myself. Well, I'm learning. I'm growing from someone that struggles with self-image and depreciation into a woman that accepts her flaws and strives to improve on her strong points. I'm trying to find more things to love about myself, and focus on my desire to gain confidence and value. I will not allow myself to be put in situations that tear me down without building me up to be better than before. I'm over that period in my life. I am enough, and I will continue to become more than enough.

"Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." - Rumi